Cranky's Post Game Report
Yesterday began as a bad day for me. My laundry room flooded, people at work are pushing every last ounce of energy I have to tolerate morons, someone dinged my car in two places in the parking lot--the list continues.
I blame most of it to the fact that I didn't have a White Russian the night before. Celebrating Marmot Day without a Caucasian is like Mardi Gras without the King's Cake and gratuitous nudity. Thinking that it's never too late for a Cauc, I headed home in my dinged up car and poured myself a nice tall one.
Then I got hungry, so I headed out to a local bar/grill and ordered some food and another Russian while watching bull riding on TV. Why a bar/grill wouldn't be showing pre-game stuff on Superbowl Sunday is beyond me, but I got bull riding instead. And this is no ordinary bull riding, my friends. No, the wonder worriers of the 21st century have tainted another ridiculous sport (dodgeball being the first). Now bull riders are encouraged to wear helmets, neck braces, and kevlar vests. COME ON! You are the same people who beat wimpy kids up for wearing stupid shit like that. Don't get me wrong. They probably should wear protective gear. Still, given that it is generally a sport meant to prove some sense of stereotypical "manhood," I'm surprised they wear the things, and you have to admit that it looks pretty funny. [no offense to G's brother who would probably look hot in a helmet].
Ok, so on to the game. Here are my Cranky highlights in random order:
1. Yeah Giants!
2. A marmot and Rocky themes in commercials. It's like they knew I was watching.
3. Wes Welker--That little son of a bitch was amazing. If he were a woman, Glinda would be all over him. He looked like a Munchkin tackling a bunch of winged monkeys. He was like fucking Scrappy Doo out there. Unbelievable.
4. Sobe Lizards dancing to Thriller. I didn't understand the commercial. I thought the woman was entirely untalented and unnecessary, but damnit, the lizards made me happy.
5. I never thought I'd say this, but that Audi was HOT!
6. Howie [sigh]; I *heart* Howie.
7. This is the first time I've watched TB without screaming: "I fucking hate Terry Bradshaw...stupidass...[more profanity]. Maybe it's because he didn't have a voice.
8. Seriously, at what point will Jimmy Johnson's hair thin? Is it real? Has it always been a rug? I'm so confused.
9. Couldn't help but notice the abundance of 49ers references: Bill Walsh, Steve Young (2nd best QB ever), Joe Montana (#1), Jerry Rice (#1 WR EVER), Ronnie Lott...
10. Is it bad that I put my lit phone up in the air during Free Fallin'?
11. 4:00 left on the clock during the final quarter: Did anyone else see a robot on the field? [found out later that this was some sort of camera. I swear it looked like Number 5].
12. 4th quarter with less than a minute to go: holy shit. OMG. Eli somehow emerges from a tangled mess of humans, passes it to Tyree, who caught it while being pinned in a Backbreaker WWF style. Unbelievable!
13. Prince Caspian--woohoooooooo!
14. Danica Patrick--she's strong and talented, and I just keep hoping she avoids that fine line between being a woman who excels in a traditionally male sport and being a woman who caters to the traditional male view of women as sex object.
15. OMG the final catch
16. ok, I know it's a hybrid, but what the hell do the Mannings need another Escalade in their family for?
17. And finally, why couldn't someone have at least mentioned Archie Manning. it cost me my Bingo, damnit.
So, the upshot is that it IS never too late for a Caucasian. They turn even the most lugubrious days into Crankylicious ones.
I blame most of it to the fact that I didn't have a White Russian the night before. Celebrating Marmot Day without a Caucasian is like Mardi Gras without the King's Cake and gratuitous nudity. Thinking that it's never too late for a Cauc, I headed home in my dinged up car and poured myself a nice tall one.
Then I got hungry, so I headed out to a local bar/grill and ordered some food and another Russian while watching bull riding on TV. Why a bar/grill wouldn't be showing pre-game stuff on Superbowl Sunday is beyond me, but I got bull riding instead. And this is no ordinary bull riding, my friends. No, the wonder worriers of the 21st century have tainted another ridiculous sport (dodgeball being the first). Now bull riders are encouraged to wear helmets, neck braces, and kevlar vests. COME ON! You are the same people who beat wimpy kids up for wearing stupid shit like that. Don't get me wrong. They probably should wear protective gear. Still, given that it is generally a sport meant to prove some sense of stereotypical "manhood," I'm surprised they wear the things, and you have to admit that it looks pretty funny. [no offense to G's brother who would probably look hot in a helmet].
Ok, so on to the game. Here are my Cranky highlights in random order:
1. Yeah Giants!
2. A marmot and Rocky themes in commercials. It's like they knew I was watching.
3. Wes Welker--That little son of a bitch was amazing. If he were a woman, Glinda would be all over him. He looked like a Munchkin tackling a bunch of winged monkeys. He was like fucking Scrappy Doo out there. Unbelievable.
4. Sobe Lizards dancing to Thriller. I didn't understand the commercial. I thought the woman was entirely untalented and unnecessary, but damnit, the lizards made me happy.
5. I never thought I'd say this, but that Audi was HOT!
6. Howie [sigh]; I *heart* Howie.
7. This is the first time I've watched TB without screaming: "I fucking hate Terry Bradshaw...stupidass...[more profanity]. Maybe it's because he didn't have a voice.
8. Seriously, at what point will Jimmy Johnson's hair thin? Is it real? Has it always been a rug? I'm so confused.
9. Couldn't help but notice the abundance of 49ers references: Bill Walsh, Steve Young (2nd best QB ever), Joe Montana (#1), Jerry Rice (#1 WR EVER), Ronnie Lott...
10. Is it bad that I put my lit phone up in the air during Free Fallin'?
11. 4:00 left on the clock during the final quarter: Did anyone else see a robot on the field? [found out later that this was some sort of camera. I swear it looked like Number 5].
12. 4th quarter with less than a minute to go: holy shit. OMG. Eli somehow emerges from a tangled mess of humans, passes it to Tyree, who caught it while being pinned in a Backbreaker WWF style. Unbelievable!
13. Prince Caspian--woohoooooooo!
14. Danica Patrick--she's strong and talented, and I just keep hoping she avoids that fine line between being a woman who excels in a traditionally male sport and being a woman who caters to the traditional male view of women as sex object.
15. OMG the final catch
16. ok, I know it's a hybrid, but what the hell do the Mannings need another Escalade in their family for?
17. And finally, why couldn't someone have at least mentioned Archie Manning. it cost me my Bingo, damnit.
So, the upshot is that it IS never too late for a Caucasian. They turn even the most lugubrious days into Crankylicious ones.
Labels: marmot, rocky, superbowl, white russian
posted by Cranky at 7:17 PM
1 Comments:
Number five is ALIVE!
Post a Comment
<< Home