Set me free

Ok, I'm not sure what the hell is happening to me, but I'm becoming all maudlin all of a sudden. Generally, nothing makes me teary eyed except for ET and Rudy--oh, and Miracle chokes me up a bit. There's something about Al Michaels screaming with utter abandonment: "Do you believe in miracles?" that does it to me everytime. Still, not a big crier.

This week, though, I keep getting choked up. And the thing about it is, I've been getting choked up without the ability to cry, even though I'd let myself if I could. So I just sit there with this constant lump in my throat that makes me sound like I've got chronic laryngitis.

And it's the weird kind of maudlin, the kind that you get when you're not really sad but more overwhelmed to the point of paralysis with the changes happening in your life. So there's a reason behind it, but I still feel like some sort of teenager caught in the midst of a surging adolescence.

I'm leaving my job. This gets me choked up. Why? I haven't the slightest idea. I'm thinking it's exhaustion mostly, but there's more to it. Maybe I'm sick of switching jobs. Maybe I'm apprehensive of going back to school full time. Maybe I'll miss a few people, and I know I'll miss all the kids. Maybe it's because I have to tell so many people, and each time I'm forced to relive the emotions and carry a piece of theirs as they crumble from the news. And I'm not being hyperbolic here, folks. They are literally crumbling, which makes me wonder what sort of boundary issues I'm working with here.

I'm going to Lubbock. Jesus help me.

Part of it is that I've wanted a PhD since I was a kid, so this is sort of the beginning of a dream of sorts.

And then my car keeps breaking down. It's been in and out of the shop 4 out of 5 days this week, and then last night, it whacked out again. The last thing you want breaking when you are having a post adolescence meltdown is your CAR!

The CP's farewell speech last night got me all choked up. In fact, it actually made me cry--a 3 tissue cry, I might add, and I don't think I've ever had to reach for 3 tissues. Now don't get a picture of me wailing or anything. It was a silent cry, but it was one of those where the waterworks just wouldn't stop, well, working.

I mean, seriously, get a grip, Cranky. Go back to your cantankerous self. It's just your PhD. I dunno. I just feel like I'm at a turning point of some sort, and there's no going back, and I'm not sure what the hell that means.

OH and the DREAMS! Jeez, the anxiety dreams. Last night, it was all about someone stealing my friend's identity which somehow affected my identity, and I was confined to one room of my apartment until they figured it out. And what did I do in that dream? I cried about not being able to run. So bizarre. And it had chicken in it. I keep dreaming about chickens.

I sort of feel like Simon: "Is this what madness feels like?"

Ok, have to go tell the kids I'm leaving. I dread this, esp bc the only memory I have about telling the kids I was leaving in the last place I worked was of them holding onto my legs as I tried to walk out of the door. That was just heartbreaking. I hope this one goes better.