Grumble

I think that subconsciously I want to sabotage my academic career and get the fuck out of Dodge. I lost a very important paper today and had to go to confession. Sadly, I was not absolved of my sin (no matter how many times I recited Hail Erikson), and now my prof hates me. Thank God evals were last week.

did I mention I'm sleep deprived? It's another long night ahead, too.

Oh, and then, to top it off with sugar coated cherries and syrup, I get a series of emails from people in my program bc I'm on some godforsaken distribution list. Obviously, they weren't talking about me. Here are some excerpts:

"Way to be positive ladies! you're awesome! I just want to give you a big bear hug and sprinkle you with... sprinkles! Kisses and Hugs all around! Love ya more than rainbows!" [mind you, this was one email]

" love you guys more than homemade sugar-free cookies with splenda frosting!!"

There were more about puppies and cupcakes and sunshine. God bless 'em. I had no real response. what do I say? Love you more than this assload of work I'm doing bc I actually give a shit about this program and don't plan to skate by on tears and plagiarism?

Sigh, perhaps I'm being too harsh. Perhaps I'm jealous because I want to feel the love of kittens and jujubees. Maybe I'm on my way to becoming the cantankerous old woman at the end of the street who picks bugs out of her hair. Maybe I'm there already.

Do you think I'd be blissful if I thought things like this? Really. I ask this as a true question with no sarcasm attached. I'm actually fairly happy with my life. I'd be happier out of Lubbock, but that's beside the point. I am average happy, not jujubee happy but you know, content. Would I just be as high as a crack whore in vegas (perhaps that wasn't the best analogy) if I had the capacity to say things like that in all seriousness? I just can't fathom it.

I really would try, but it just wouldn't come out right because I just don't feel that way. Maybe my heart is 3 sizes too small. Hmmph.