No wonder my ass is falling off

Due to the obnoxious diet...er...I mean change in lifestyle eating I'm on, I've lost weight--enough weight, apparently, that TwoShirts lives in fear that I might lose my ass. This fear, of course, resides in the hearts of all the woodland creatures who used to take cover under my awning ass during thunderstorms. They've torn down the rain forests and now my ass is gone. Where is the shelter for the wee creatures of the forest?

I digress. Anyway, now I understand why it is that my ass is disappearing. Re-read this post. It's because I didn't send that fucking butterfly email. I'd better check my family's inner thighs for mustaches.