Kimday highlights

Kimday opening ceremonies are over. Here are the highlights. My apologies that they don't make sense to everyone, but even if I described each one in a paragraph, you couldn't get how funny it was without having been there.

1. Shoe shopping at Mervyns. What bday celebration is complete without shoe shopping at Mervyns?
2. Pulchera beating Two Shirts out of the restroom.
3. Arriving at the hotel late because we stopped for food. I like food.
4. Woman Hollering Creek
5. Mint Kit Kats--limited edition
6. "Edgy, you know that if you could lick your ass like that dog, you would." "Huh, um maybe." He was asleep or so we thought.
7. Changing out of my normal shirt into an extra small. I wore an extra small. It even almost fit except for the internal bra which cut off my circulation, but the rest of the extra small fit. I wore an extra small. I don't think I've ever worn an extra small. Damn my boobs looked good. Magical Kimday.
8. Best damn salsa ever
9. Best damn garlic cilantro sauce ever
10. Best damn mojito ever
11. Bad pork. Sorry, TwoShirts
12. Chorizo is disgusting, as evidenced by the awful picture of me that Glinda will put on her blog.
13. Bert is evil. "Do you want to play with my bottlecap collection?" God, I'm cracking up writing it.
14. Laughing until my face was red from the bottlecap comment. You see, I tried to imitate Bert, but it came out sounding like Danny from The Shining. "Bert is not here Mrs. Torrence. red rum."
15. Pulchera's laugh.
16. "Why would her mommy name her Tootie?"
17. "They're acid washed jeans."
18. Sitting at Kubrick's ghost's favorite joint, The Merkin or something like that. Where the hell were we? No wonder I talked like the little boy from The Shining. I was possessed.
19. Laughing hysterically in The Merkin and having everyone not stare at us. It was like our loud selves weren't even there. How cool.
20. Edgy being so sweet to give the chorizo appetizer to a homeless person, and the homeless person turning it down. I told you that chorizo is evil.
21. Grasshoppers and Kir Royales at Swig.
22. Two Shirts: "I've never licked a chocolate rim."
23. The vicarious attendance of Praxis88 by phone. It was like he was there with us, as he should've been. Good choice on the Hoegaarden, my man. Beats milk. Wait a minute. Didn't Bert like milk?
24. The woman with the ass. What was that ass? Was it a separate entity? Why was it patterned? Why, when Glinda took a picture of it, did it come out looking ok and covered in fish nets?
25. The Battle of Bad Faces (a gross out contest) elicited the second Crankykim face: I tasted an Old Fashioned. Bleeech.
26. Pulchera face: "Imagine anal sex with Dick Cheney in a room full of smoked meat."
27. Glinda face: "You're driving behind a milk truck and a morbidly obese woman is sitting on top in chaps swirling a lasso."
28. Edgy face: "I'm not Stimpy. Why am I Stimpy?"
29. TwoShirts face: fake. Everything we mentioned to gross out TwoShirts secretly made him turned on. He finally had to pretend. ;o)
30. The Clown car bathroom: how many men can fit in there, and how many can I walk in on?
31. Swig: the bachelorette party capital of the world
32. Swig: the babydoll pajama top capital of the world.
33. The surrey with the fringe on top.
34. Elvis the molester and his sidekick Officer Dullard.
35. a cab with talking GPS
36. Pizza and french fries at 2am.
37. Waking up feeling better than I ever have
38. Checking out the missions.
39. mariachi mass.
40. TwoShirts' great parking jobs.
41. Take out water
42. my balloon popping
43. looking in my purse and fetching out a dollar with writing on it that said: "Happy Birthday. At least you didn't have to take your clothes off for this dollar." Ha. I thought someone in my party wrote it, but I noticed a staple, so I guess someone else got it for their birthday.
44. Pie at Franks. MMMM PIE.
45. Relaxing at home watching Twin Peaks
46. Oh, and out of order, sitting under the Hello Kitty pinata at Mi Tierra. "It's a freakin sign!"

Great birthday--one of the best. Very depressed to be back in Houston. I literally started feeling weighted down when we got in the city limits. I hate this place.

[Bert picture appears courtesy of http://www.toughpigs.com/anthernie05.htm]