ok but

my new phone has a voice recorder, so I can totally leave messages for Diane on it.

Diane, never drink coffee that has been anywhere near a fish.

THAT'S MY NEW PHONE'S NAME--DIANE!!!!

YAY!!!

Diane, I need you

...and I'm holding in my hands a small box of chocolate bunnies.

I'm in serious need of some Twin Peaks, STAT!

And I need some coffee, black as midnight on a moonless night.

Whohooo! The Owls are not what they seem.

Took the What Twin Peaks Character are You quiz, and scored:


You're Agent Albert Rosenfield, the snide and
superior forensics expert. Your tongue is
sharper than your scalpel, and it doesn't take
long for people to start hating you for your
supercilious quips, but you are the very best
at what you do. You don't suffer fools gladly,
but you give respect when it's due. In fact,
you're a good guy at heart, but so wedded to
your sarcasm that you can rarely stand to treat
people kindly.

Which Twin Peaks character are you?
brought to you by

What is wrong with the water in Twin Peaks?

What is wrong with the coffee, the donuts, the hospital food or all the food for that matter (everything is green and orange), the night hospital staff or lack thereof, the atmosphere, the circadian rhythms...

Seriously, they must live near a vortex or something because I've never seen so many people have so many freakyass visions and dress up in freakyass costumes--what's up with the red headed pianist in the tinkerbell costume?

K. I readily admit I'm hooked on this stupidass show. I, who never ever watch tv save my Mad about You and Simpsons (and the occassional freak gargoyle lady), watch 3 episodes a night. What in the hell? Did I vicariously drink the coffee?

What got me hooked?

• Cooper for one. I'm mesmerized, and I don't know why. Perhaps it is his obsession with food.
• Albert--he cracks me up! his silent responses are the best, but the dry wit in his briefing sessions kills me. Everything that comes out of his mouth is what I'm thinking in my head as I'm watching these inane bumpkins try to solve a case, but the ironic part is that I'm getting sucked in to their weirdness.
• the damn opening. Is it the little bird, the smokestacks, the slowly moving mill reminiscent of Mr. Rogers, the waterfall? I don't know. I can't get it out of my brain.
• Bob. Dude, what a freak!
• the log lady--wtf?
• Lucy's impregnation by Liberace? Who the hell is that guy?

Still hate Audrey. I think that the only reason Glinda likes her is because she's tied up and gagged in a whorehouse. That and her little pink gauzy number that makes me think of Autobiography of a Flea.

Whoops! MAY is on. Gotta go.

Twin Peaks

So I borrowed tapes of the show from Glinda. I've watched 4. Here's what I think: the coffee in the town is drugged causing the entire town to lapse into a stupor where they believe they are all on the show Invitation to Love. That's why they all act like weird Film Noir or soap opera stars, and that's why they all look alike and dance strange little dances and have tripped out dreams. That's why Laura Palmer looks like her cousin and all the weird people at One Eyed Jacks. It's the coffee. That's the secret. ;o)

Figured out where I know Agt Cooper from. He was in the Flintstones. He's also in a movie that I saw at Hollywood video: The Librarian: Quest for the Spear. What is it with all these librarians trying to overcome their little bunhead image? Give it up! Like we really believe you are the Conan the Barbarian or Barbarella type. Come on! How do you kill your enemies? With a shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! :o)

Have to admit. Am a little addicted. Not sure why. Maybe it's the pie? I do know that i have to put the stupid thing on mute whenever the theme song comes on because I can't hear it without thinking of it coming out of Glinda's ass (her costume had theme music with it).

Kimday highlights

Kimday opening ceremonies are over. Here are the highlights. My apologies that they don't make sense to everyone, but even if I described each one in a paragraph, you couldn't get how funny it was without having been there.

1. Shoe shopping at Mervyns. What bday celebration is complete without shoe shopping at Mervyns?
2. Pulchera beating Two Shirts out of the restroom.
3. Arriving at the hotel late because we stopped for food. I like food.
4. Woman Hollering Creek
5. Mint Kit Kats--limited edition
6. "Edgy, you know that if you could lick your ass like that dog, you would." "Huh, um maybe." He was asleep or so we thought.
7. Changing out of my normal shirt into an extra small. I wore an extra small. It even almost fit except for the internal bra which cut off my circulation, but the rest of the extra small fit. I wore an extra small. I don't think I've ever worn an extra small. Damn my boobs looked good. Magical Kimday.
8. Best damn salsa ever
9. Best damn garlic cilantro sauce ever
10. Best damn mojito ever
11. Bad pork. Sorry, TwoShirts
12. Chorizo is disgusting, as evidenced by the awful picture of me that Glinda will put on her blog.
13. Bert is evil. "Do you want to play with my bottlecap collection?" God, I'm cracking up writing it.
14. Laughing until my face was red from the bottlecap comment. You see, I tried to imitate Bert, but it came out sounding like Danny from The Shining. "Bert is not here Mrs. Torrence. red rum."
15. Pulchera's laugh.
16. "Why would her mommy name her Tootie?"
17. "They're acid washed jeans."
18. Sitting at Kubrick's ghost's favorite joint, The Merkin or something like that. Where the hell were we? No wonder I talked like the little boy from The Shining. I was possessed.
19. Laughing hysterically in The Merkin and having everyone not stare at us. It was like our loud selves weren't even there. How cool.
20. Edgy being so sweet to give the chorizo appetizer to a homeless person, and the homeless person turning it down. I told you that chorizo is evil.
21. Grasshoppers and Kir Royales at Swig.
22. Two Shirts: "I've never licked a chocolate rim."
23. The vicarious attendance of Praxis88 by phone. It was like he was there with us, as he should've been. Good choice on the Hoegaarden, my man. Beats milk. Wait a minute. Didn't Bert like milk?
24. The woman with the ass. What was that ass? Was it a separate entity? Why was it patterned? Why, when Glinda took a picture of it, did it come out looking ok and covered in fish nets?
25. The Battle of Bad Faces (a gross out contest) elicited the second Crankykim face: I tasted an Old Fashioned. Bleeech.
26. Pulchera face: "Imagine anal sex with Dick Cheney in a room full of smoked meat."
27. Glinda face: "You're driving behind a milk truck and a morbidly obese woman is sitting on top in chaps swirling a lasso."
28. Edgy face: "I'm not Stimpy. Why am I Stimpy?"
29. TwoShirts face: fake. Everything we mentioned to gross out TwoShirts secretly made him turned on. He finally had to pretend. ;o)
30. The Clown car bathroom: how many men can fit in there, and how many can I walk in on?
31. Swig: the bachelorette party capital of the world
32. Swig: the babydoll pajama top capital of the world.
33. The surrey with the fringe on top.
34. Elvis the molester and his sidekick Officer Dullard.
35. a cab with talking GPS
36. Pizza and french fries at 2am.
37. Waking up feeling better than I ever have
38. Checking out the missions.
39. mariachi mass.
40. TwoShirts' great parking jobs.
41. Take out water
42. my balloon popping
43. looking in my purse and fetching out a dollar with writing on it that said: "Happy Birthday. At least you didn't have to take your clothes off for this dollar." Ha. I thought someone in my party wrote it, but I noticed a staple, so I guess someone else got it for their birthday.
44. Pie at Franks. MMMM PIE.
45. Relaxing at home watching Twin Peaks
46. Oh, and out of order, sitting under the Hello Kitty pinata at Mi Tierra. "It's a freakin sign!"

Great birthday--one of the best. Very depressed to be back in Houston. I literally started feeling weighted down when we got in the city limits. I hate this place.

[Bert picture appears courtesy of http://www.toughpigs.com/anthernie05.htm]