Country Car Alarm

So we went to Victoria for Gordie's 32nd birthday. It's a great place--serene, quaint little ranch house with a cabin in the back and 90 acres of land bordered by the Guadalupe river. We spent the day at the river and came back for a fabulous country dinner (of which I partook too much...ugh!) when suddenly there was this honking sound, not like a car, mind you, but more like a very large goose. Think Godzillagoose. It was obviously some sort of animal, judging from the sound of it, but to Edgy's credit, the honks were perfectly spaced out so that they sounded almost mechanical. Anyway, Edgy looked up from his meal and said, "Somebody's car alarm is going off," much to the amusement of the ranch owners who explained nicely that it was a mama cow coralling her calf. They called him a city boy. Luckily there was a giant plate of homemade mac and cheese, fresh green beans, and new potatoes on his plate (oh and fillet mignon of sorts), so Edgy wasn't too...well, edgy about it. :o) I got indigestion. Have you ever tried to eat a cow with a cow crying in the background? I just ate the bacon instead. There weren't any pigs, thank god.

Wonka Nightmare!

Picture this: the entire dream is animated in Tim Burton style--dreary colors, bleak, twisted houses begging for a soul...you get the picture. The setting is Victorian London, and I (animated as well with a face like Jane from Disney's Tarzan) am a governness for an orphanage. I'm standing in the dining room preparing to eat the meager lunch set before me, when one of the girls lets out a stifled shriek. The cook, a robust woman with grey straggly hair, one glass eye, and missing teeth, runs out of the kitchen screaming: "I told ya unce if I told ya twice--Rats are a good source of protein." Only, it's not a rat that causes the little waif to cry from her large Anime eyes. Inside her bologna sandwich is a gleaming piece of gold. The cook yells: "Wellahlbebuggered, you won the golden ticket, 'aven't ya?" The little girl with claylike head too big for her skeletal body wipes chocolate strands of hair out of her eyes and whispers: "Yes." I won't bore you with the rest of the dialogue, but suffice it to say that the adult she picks to go on a tour of the Oscar Mayer plant, is me. We arrive at the gates of the meat packing monstrosity, and Willy stands there, the portrait of gluttony--balding head, a cleaver stained with blood, white undershirt exposing a teeming gut. Then we go into the plant. It was awful, like the animated version of The Jungle. What in the hell got into me, I'll never know.

Reality Junkies

This post serves as an addendum to the previous "Dissed at Pisd" post. I forgot to add the funniest moment of them all: the facilitator gave her speech about herself and admitted (we were all supposed to share a deep, dark secret like we were at an AA meeting or something) that she had an unhealthy obsession with reality TV. She said that she TIVOs every reality TV show there is, including "The Littlest Bachelor," which she described as "Speed dating for midgets [her word, not mine]." It's funny in and of itself, but if you could imagine a woman who looks/acts/speaks like Laura Bush with West U platinum dyed hair, you can see the added humor. She was unbelievably serious about this and said it with the tone of a child in her first confession. It really was the most surreal experience. We were all sitting around with joined hands supporting each other in these confessions to remind us that no one is perfect. I've never met these whackjobs in my life, and what in the hell would I want to confess anything to them for. In case you're wondering, I couldn't confess much because I was laughing too hard, so I said that I had a problem speaking in front of people without laughing out of nervousness. What else was I supposed to say? If I wasn't afraid that they'd screwed up all of my paperwork, I might risk it and come up with a doozie, but I thought I'd play it pretty straight. Bills are important to pay, you know?

MESS

Thanks to Glinda, we have now dubbed PISD with a second acronym, MESS. Dunno what it stands for...mundane educational system that sucks, I guess. Anyway, I got a letter from PISD yesterday saying that my benefits were cancelled due to my resignation. I called them today and explained, again, that I rescinded my resignation and was rehired. She asked if I had filled out all of the paperwork with HR, and I said, yes. She answered, "Ok, then throw the paper away." I explained to her that I didn't want to throw anything away until I was certain that she had, in her records, notification that I was officially rehired. Her answer: "Oh, well if you filled out the paperwork, then you're fine. " She refused to get off her ass and check her filing cabinet. Unbelievable. Hang on, folks, god knows if I've got a job.

New Near Looper

Gordie's moving close to the Loop! I tried to get her to move to the 'trose, but she's not quite emotionally ready for that yet. No really, she wanted a w/d and cheap rent, so she moved out past the Loop but still well inside the beltway, so we'll claim her.

Dissed at PISD

So today I had to attend a new teacher orientation for 6 hours. Funny, not only am I not a new teacher, but I sat through the identical damn orientation last year. They made me take it again because I quit and got rehired. Positives: Starbucks coffee (a first for PISD) and chocolate chocolate chip poundcake; a free coffee mug (It's ugly and contained some goofy metaphor comparing teaching to stirring coffee or something, but it's free nonetheless); a highlighter with post it flags inside; a zipper bag of candy (ruined by the fact that we are supposed to use it as a mnemonic device to remember to "snicker" when life gives us problems and get the help of our "3 musketeer" coteachers when we need advice in our "crunch" times. They are "lifesavers." Oh and the best one was about relating kids to m&m's, but that one is funnier said in person.) ; 3 books, which are worthless, but I have a book obsession, so I just love getting them; finding out that TX does have some sort of grievance system for teachers even though they won't allow unions; and rainbow sherbet with the little wooden spoon. Negatives: It was the SAME DAMN thing as last year, except last year the theme was nuts, and this year it was coffee (starbucks is much better than a nut cup); free calendars (you would think that this would be a good thing, but they had little dancing pumpkins and the ABC's on them. I can't put that up in my room. still better than nut cups, though); the name badges and name tents, which had bright smiley faces on them and the little lines that used to be on Big Chief tablets so that you could write your name correctly; the 2 hour get to know you session where we filled out 2 page questionnaires about our favorite color and dream pet and then had to introduce our "neighbor" trying to remember everything on her sheet, which prompted a woman to tell about her breech birth in detail; Tom, my new colleague from Santa Fe who looked like Bill Nye the science guy and who never freakin' stopped talking about himself and about how he could be my father throughout the entire session ; a pack of lavender pens to grade with; the "bye bye" sheets at the end, where we had to write 3 things we learned and had to have them approved by the leader before we could leave and get credit for the 6 hours. Funniest moments: the fact that I won a doorprize which was later revoked because I came back 30 seconds late from break. They actually took it away and took my name out of the hat for future drawings; the facilitator walking up to Tom while she was passing out our pictures for our stupid questionnaire sheets and saying, "Oh, I didn't recognize you. You look 20 years older and very bloated in this photo;" the facilitator teaching us to use a color coded system for folders in our classroom and a girl in the back saying, "Well, what if one of us is color blind, or what if our students are color blind?," and then the facilitator laughing hysterically until she realized that the girl wasn't kidding; the discussion of banned books in the classroom and about how[exact quote] "due to the fact that some of our schools touch the Bible belt, we should get permission slips from all members of the family (incl. grandparents) and do a write up for every book we use;" the subsequent discussion of To Kill a Mockingbird , The Outsiders, & Forever (too long to write); and finally, the request that we start including picture books like "If you give a Mouse a Cookie" in our high school class curriculum because they help students with the concept of visual literacy and because it allows the students to enjoy reading because they don't have to think about what the words mean (and then she read it to us along with a chapter from some chicken soup book that left everyone bawling and grasping for kleenexes, and I'm still not sure what was so damn heartwrenching). That's it, but I have another 2 weeks of it, so stay tuned for more "The Dumb and the Witless."

Time Warp?

What in the hell happened? I would think that I went back to my collegiate days, except that my cellulite and creaking bones tell me different--that and the fact that I choose Absolut martinis over Olympia beer and Gomez tequilla. First of all, thanks to Glinda and TwoShirts, I've been partying like it's 1994 nearly every weekend. If it weren't freakin' 170 degrees outside, I might even wear my Grunge flannel from '94, but the thought makes me sweat profusely. [God, I loved the Grunge era]. Furthermore, the reason that I haven't posted to my blog is that for 4 days, I've been cranking out a semester's worth of work for these certification classes. It's like the time (and Panchette Villa, my old college roomie, remembers this) that I had 5 papers due in 2 days. Panchette still laughs when I had to ask her if the library was open at night because I never went there. [Glinda is sighing now]. Anyway, I'm now caught up and finished with the midterm! Yippee? Should I procrastinate some more? Probably. Another thing that makes me think I'm still in college is my apartment. It doesn't even look like a home, just a temp residence. I've been living out of boxes since I moved in 6 months ago, and it's time to move again. I even have 2 cats like I did in college. Poor Miller. Wonder what happened to him/her (did we ever figure it out?). I'm about to move back into the 'trose, thank God. Quirky little apartment. I bought a new '70 shagadelic throw rug with the perfect color palette for the place: chocolate, sky blue, bright orange, tupperware green, and bright yellow. The shower curtain is vinyl with the same colors in big vinyl bubbles. God, I can't wait to move in.
I won't be in the same complex as Glinda but close enough to continue this dream of never leaving the college experience. She wouldn't go to the Davenport with me tonight, but that's just as well because I ended up with a throw rug and a shower curtain. Anyway, I had a final point, but I forgot it, which is much like my college days, so there you go.

Fourth of July

If I didn't commit all the seven deadly sins this weekend, I certainly wore gluttony completely out. I've haven't had so many parties since college, and my body was much more equipped to deal with it back then. It all started off on Tuesday when Edgy and I went out with Glinda for margaritas. Glinda left and missed the Twisted Sister cover band at Blanca's and a few games of pool and shuffleboard. We laid off a little on the libations until Friday when Glinda and Edgy and I went to the Davenport, which will always end in trouble. This time I had a fan club who kept calling me Daisy Duke (I was wearing a little baby doll dress, so I'm not sure what the reference was all about) and touching my arm like Lennie in Of Mice and Men and saying, "It's so soft. it doesn't look that soft. It's like an ill-oo-zee-un." The three of us closed the bar and ended up at Walgreens where I bought pants and cotton candy. You can imagine how the night went from there.

Saturday was spent doing my paper, but sat night, Two Shirt invited us out to a party in 3rd Ward. I think that they sacrificed 70 chickens and a ranch full of cattle to the BBQ god because that poor man was cooking from 8 til 1am. There was also a buffet of gumbo, red beans and rice, 3 types of potatoes (Damn the potatoes were good!) and a cucumber salad that was too die for. This was topped with a bottle of Grey Goose apiece. Need I say more? Sunday was spent in the suburbs. See below.

The Fourth was fun. I didn't get any chiggers, despite the fact that I was on the grass, and nearly everyone else was on the tiny square patio. Glinda, ColdStone (sounds like a wrestler, which might be the case--dunno), Edgy and I braved the lush St. Augustine and came out ok, which is good since I read that chigger bites are actually caused by the larva, that insert some bodily protrusion, flush your skin with enzymes that slowly digest the skin cells causing some of them to turn to mush and others to form a hard, strawlike feeding tube, and then suck the damn skin cells up. Fireworks were surprisingly good. Biggest damn show I've seen. Edgy had his first veggie dog. Freaked him out so much that he broke his chair getting up to grab another Shiner. Poor thing.

Last night ended the toxin binge with a blueberry margarita from Senor Ritas. V good since they made it with real blueberries and not blue colored syrup. Not that I'm complaining about blue colored things, mind you. MMM...blue cotton candy. Glinda's holding my cotton candy for ransom, btw. I won't get it back until I present her with homemade peach cobbler and ice cream.

Still sore from the party in the suburbs. Let's clarify that...my body is sore from running across the yard and flinging myself at a slip and slide for hours. It's TwoShirt's fault. He started it and didn't look like he hurt himself at all. It's like the time that my friend, Pheebes, got drunk for the first time on a bottle of Gomez tequilla (To her credit, she only turned up the bottle because she thought it had the same alcohol content as a wine cooler ;O) ) She ran out of the apartment, across campus, stopped and fell over like a tree in the woods. We ran over and found that she was supported at the face only by a little shrub. we couldn't imagine how a shrub would not only break her fall but completely support her weight and furthermore, how her neck didn't break in the process. So, the geniuses that we were, my friend, Trinidad and I fell face first into neighboring shrubs, too, just to test it. Needless to say, she was still supported, but Trin and I went straight to the bottom, scratches covering our faces. I still don't get the physics of it to this day.

Pissed at PISD

Well, special thanks to Glinda for introducing me to the world of html code. Now my blog doesn't look as pathetic. I'll be working on it more soon.

I got a call from PISD the other day saying that there was "a problem" and that I needed to sign some paperwork. The woman asked me to call her back. Well, I was going to be on that side of town anyway for my dad's bday, so I just stopped by. I thought that the woman was going to blow a gasket. She chastized me, literally with a pointed finger, saying that she didn't ask me to come in; she asked me to call her. I tried to explain that I was trying to kill 2 birds with one stone, and she replied, "When I ask someone to call me, I expect them to call me, not come in. If I had wanted you to come in, I would have asked you to come in." I asked her what she was calling me about then, and she said that she was calling to ask me to come in. Has the world lost all logic, or have I?

So I asked her if I could fill out the paperwork, and she huffed around for about 20 minutes and finally produced a sheet for me to sign which stated that I hadn't turned in any of my paperwork, including my deficiency plan (which was the impetus for the whole blow up about how I may or may not have a job there in the fall because I waited until summer to take classes, so I know that they have the plan). I said, "You have all of my paperwork." She said, "well, sign it anyway." "But if you have it, why would I sign that you didn't?" "Just sign it." I said that I refused to sign something that wasn't true, and she said that if I wanted the job back, I had to sign it. Finally, I signed it and wrote to the side that it was untrue. I think that either they are insane or I'm going insane--or both really.