A CURSE ON THEE, TARGET

I am instituting a ban on Target until I receive a response from the Corporate Office. Unless you know me really well, you can't possibly understand the willpower it will take to stay away from this place. I buy EVERYTHING from Target. Target is my therapy. I go in, get my pumpkin spice latte, and walk up and down every aisle, letting all of the crankiness subside as I bask in all the glory of what is Target...what WAS Target.

Today, however, I walked up to the return counter, which had no line, so I thought to myself, "Target rules. No line!" I was returning a top that I got for Xmas because the gathers around the breasts make them look enormous (too enormous even for me who thinks she has itty bitties) and then the rest of the top is that baby doll type that just hangs down from the enormous breasts so I look preggo. Anyway, needless to say, I don't like the way I look, so I took it back.

I don't have the gift receipt, though, so I explain that to the woman behind the counter, fully expecting that I can't get money back but could possibly exchange it for something else. Now, this shirt had the full tag on it, including the $12.99 price. It still had creases where it had been folded by a machine. She yanks it from me, scans it, and throws it back across the counter in one swift motion, not looking me in the eye at all, and says, "It's not in our system." She then walks off. I call her back and say that I want to talk to a manager.

Now I never talk to a manager. I hate people who talk to managers. I used to work retail, and I know what it's like to have to call a manager over. Still, I felt the need to talk to one. She calls as CSM over, who bypasses me and walks into the CS booth. The aforementioned counterworker pulls her aside and talks to her in the corner office. Then the manager (who happens to look just like everyone else in the store with a regular nametag and uniform) doesn't even let me explain, snatches the shirt out of my hand, scans it, and says, "it's not in the system." I said, "What does that mean? I can't return it? I just got this 4 days ago." She said, "Well, the person who bought it obviously bought it a long long time ago on clearance."

Now, I know for a fact that she didn't buy it a long time ago because I actually saw the shirt in the store in November (I'm telling you. I shop there once a week, at least), and I know it wasn't on clearance because Target uses red tags on clearance items and this one had the regular tag on it. Plus, I'm positive it was from Target because it was a Mossimo product and because she SAID it was from Target when she gave it to me. I said, "Look. I just want to exchange it for something else. " She said "Even if it was in our store right now and you wanted the same size, we couldn't exchange it if it wasn't in the computer." I kept my mouth shut and didn't say, "Well, if it was in your store, it should be in the computer."

I asked who I could talk to above her and she threw a corporate complaint flyer at me. Anyway, I said that for 13 dollars, they just lost out on someone who buys groceries, clothes, accessories, toys for my godchildren, electronics, EVERYTHING from Target. I'm not shopping there again until I speak with someone who has a sense of customer service.

Then I go into Office Depot--angels behind the counter--the most pleasant people I've ever encountered. I thanked them for being so helpful and congenial, and they said, bewildered, "Why? Isn't everyone that way?" I laughed and said that I had just had a bad experience at Target, and the girl behind the counter says, "Oh, the one on San Felipe? Yeah, they have attitudes. I tried to take something back once with receipt in hand, and they wouldn't let me return it. I won't shop there anymore."

'Nuff said.

So now I'm drinking a pomegranate martini and eating chocolate covered macadamia nuts.

Oh, to end on a positive note, I got enough for xmas that I can have my own freakin club in my home: Edgy got a dartboard; I got a dancing game (like the ones you see in the arcades). Add that to my fully stocked bar and kareoke machine...I'll never have to leave my house. Speaking of which, I'm having a superbowl party, so those of you out of state need to drop in! ;o)

Tribute to Praxis 88 on his birthday

Original image from www.margueriteperrin.com
Mutilated by Cranky, who is not adept at photoshop whatsoever.

Just in the St. Nick of time

I'm getting pretty tired of searching for jobs and was about to throw in the towel, so I went down to check my mail. What to my wondering eyes did appear? A package from Praxis88!

So now, I am all jazzed up to send out resumes right and left because I have my GodWarrior mix crankin'. Wooohooo!

Thanks, Prax! Very creative. I personally like the references to tainted and GET OUT. Too bad Glinda is off snowboarding. Poor thing. She has to wait a week for her copy! It pays to stay in Pewston.

Hallelujah!

The CV is done!

Now for the grueling task of finding a job, preferably out of this city.

BTW, Edgy got Rookie of the Year at his job! Yippee!

Ok, off to the job search. Wish me luck! BTW, I'm turning the blog that I did for my class project at UH into a tracking device for all of the places I send resumes. Note how perky the template is...soooo not lugubrious. ;o)

Headbanger's Ball

Check out the pics from my friend, Jeff's, wedding. The best one to look at is CLR_175. Edgy's playing air guitar, and I'm...well, banging my head, I think.

Holiday fun

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Egg Nog

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree? unwrapped

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? I don't decorate with lights, but I do like to see tasteful ones in the neighborhood

4. Do you hang mistletoe? No, I just grab people and kiss them anyway

5. When do you put your decorations up? the day after Thanksgiving; I also buy all of my gifts by Thanksgiving day

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? broc and cheese or dressing

7. Favorite Christmas memory as a child? the year that my grandpa made me a Barbie sized doll house; It was a replica of my house and the roof lifted off, so you could look into the house from the top instead of the sides like other dollhouses. It was fully furnished with a piano, a working stereo, working lights, a christmas tree, crocheted afghans (done by my grandma), a framed picture of me, china and silverware, a stocked refrig with ice cubes in the tray The only problem was that there wasn't a toilet in the bathroom. that always bothered me, so I went to some store like Cracker Barrel and bought a wooden outhouse that I stuck in the bathroom. Yes, it was a redneck dollhouse.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? Santa's not real? Really, though, some classmate told me that the tooth fairy wasn't real one day, and I came home, rushed into my parents' house, and screamed, "So I guess Santa and the Easter bunny are you, too, huh?" My dad sat me down and told me some Virginia there is a Santa Claus story, but I was still pissed.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Yes, 1/2 on the eve and 1/2 on the day

10. What kind of cookies does Santa get set out for him? I always ate all the cookies. There weren't any left for Santa. I'd write him a thank you note, though

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love it even when it turns black and nasty. I MISS SNOW!

12. Can you ice skate? Yes, two years ago when I lived in Chicago, I took my first ice skating lessons (I'd always wanted to take them, but my parents wouldn't send me). I was the tallest in a class of 6 year olds but I learned to swizzle and hop and skate in an arabesque and do a simple turn and most importantly, to stop without hitting the wall.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? the aforementioned dollhouse and my sesame street little people village thing

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? taking in all the details--the sights, the smells, the energy in the air; being with people I love; also, we usually do some sort of service project as a family, and I look forward to that every year

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? sweet potato pie

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? my cousin and I always sort the gifts. we weren't ever allowed to sort until we finished our meals, so even now, I rush through my food or hardly eat so that I can sort the presents into neat little piles by person; I know, I'm anal. another tradition was that my aunt would buy my cousin and me PJs. That tradition stopped when she died, but now that my cousin has a baby, I bought the entire family pjs this year.

17. What tops your tree ? varies from year to year. This year it's a plaid bow

18. Which do you prefer: Giving or Receiving ? Giving. I really prefer to guess my gifts more than I do receiving them.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Carol? Adeste Fideles and Carol of the Bells

20. Candy canes? MMM, though I'm a little overloaded this year from all the ones given to me by students

21. If you could spend Christmas with one person who would it be? I don't like this question

22. Favorite Christmas movie? Movie: Narnia Short animated flick: Peanuts or Grinch

Education classes

I just signed up for $1800.00 worth of education classes today to keep my job for this year. I'm taking 4 grueling months of Reading in Middle and Secondary schools and Teaching composition in Middle and Secondary schools.

Pushing the little red, "CHARGE ME LOTS OF MONEY" button for classes I don't want to take in a job I hate has prompted me to begin revamping my CV. I'm off for 2 weeks, so I should have plenty of time to do so.

[Side note: It's really not a good idea to put faculty pictures on websites. I just looked at my comp prof, and she looks mean as hell].

WOOHOOO!

I'm finished with HCC grades.

Feels good to have that monkey off of my back.

The mother of all Pez

I got my secret santa gift today.

It is 3 1/2 feet tall. It's a giant snowman plush pez dispenser. She gave it to me in a Hefty Steel Sack because it didn't fit in any fathomable container. The head was sticking out.

The top of the snowman's hat hits right under my boobs. I haven't brought it in yet. It's in my trunk and fits across the entire width of the trunk.

I will take a picture of it, but I'm...I'll take a picture of it.

Happy bday eve, Glinda!

Why didn't we go here for my birthday? Scroll down to "Hollywood invades Auburn."

I hate potlucks

Yesterday's potluck was annoying, mainly because of the 20 minute time limit but also because I forgot my stupid dish. I spent the night before buying supplies for and preparing the stupid artichoke dip, and I left the damn thing in the fridge. This would not normally be a problem, but I have one of those 'case of the Mondays" sort of people in my department who kept saying that i needed to leave during my 20 minutes and go buy something to donate because it wasn't fair for me to eat otherwise. The same thing happened to a colleague. I ended up donating a bag of chips and package of twinkies from the vending machine. she wasn't pleased. My colleague did as she was supposed to and skipped lunch. I practically skipped lunch seeing as though there was nothing appetizing anyway. I think my meal consisted of some cream cheese ball thing and crackers. Oh, there was some homemade strawberry trifle thing, too.

Today before I even got out of my door for lunch, 2 people in my department rushed in asking if I had brought my donation from yesterday and today. I brought my dip and come store bought cookies from the bakery. They weren't pleased with the fact that the cookies were store bought (even though some other tool brought a lemon cake from Walmart, and everyone oohed and aaahed about how fucking phenomenal Walmart's bakery is). The dip was a hit, though.

Slim pickins at this luncheon, too. Here was what people brought: rotissere chicken (Store bought, mind you) and scissors to fucking cut off a piece; my dip; green bean casserole (ugh); fruit salad (store bought); 3 types of cake; my cookies; iced tea in a jug

I ate my dip and 3 pieces of cantaloupe. The thought of the chicken and scissors disgusted me; I hate green bean casserole; the fruit salad consisted of 2 grapes, a buttload of honeydew, and cantaloupe, so I ate the cantaloupe; I hate the cookies I brought, and I didn't want the cake. Well, I take that back, I nibbled on the walmart cake to see what the fuss was all about. I should've brought this cake for the damn fiesta.

Here's the other thing I hate: Secret Santa. K. The instructions say to spend no more than a dollar to five dollars a day for a week (not in excess of 15 for the whole week) on your santa person. My person said that she liked coffee, mounds, turtles (not the chocolate ones), ceramic dogs, and doorstoppers and decorated her tree in red and gold. I bought her the following: Day 1. an oversized coffee mug, an individual pack of gourmet coffee (enough for one pot) and some chocolate stirring sticks (oops they were kahlua flavored--hope she's not a tea totaller); Day 2. a red and gold hand blown ornament; Day 3. a pumpkin spice jar candle; Day 4. an assload of mounds candybars in a cute container; Day 5 will be tomorrow. a gift certificate to Starbucks and a little gift basket thingy from there. I might have gone a little over 15, but it's within a decent range.

My secret santa, however, (oh, sorry they are secret angels this year) spent ungodly amounts of money on me. Each gift was about 15-20 bucks (i know this because she left the price tags on). I feel like an ass, now, because not only did I not buy a ceramic dog turtle door stopper (Praxis, can you pick one up for me at the dollar store?), but I didn't spend nearly as much as everyone else's secret santa did. I'm like the welfare santa, and I'm gonna get bitchslapped with Southern hospitality tomorrow.

Grumble.

OMG OMG OMG OMG

I went to Fiesta today to buy some junk for all my stupid holiday luncheons this week at work, and I accidentally came across Peanut Butter Bars. I was just talking about these the other day to some people at work, and no one knew what I was talking about. I mean, I see those foulass chick o sticks everywhere, but man, these things are the bee's knees. Truth be told, though, what I like more than the taste is the packaging. The brown pinstripes make it. I feel my heart drop a little when I unwrap them to reveal a stark white piece of candy.

DE-LISH. I would give up a year's worth of cotton candy for one bag of these. MMMMM. Problem is that I go through them in an instant, so I have to watch it.

Eat yer heart out, Praxis, eating all that healthy shit. I'm going straight for comfort food. OOO, it says it's low fat and cholesterol free. Whoopee! I'm eating healthily, too!

[I should've bought more than one bag].

K, so I mentioned that I had to cook a bunch of shit for these things at work, right? One luncheon is tomorrow for the English department. We have to cook enough for the entire department plus the damn librarians (no offense) and the "principles and vice principles" [sic]. The above was written by a special ed teacher, not one of our English folks, thank god. The best part--we have 20 minutes to heat it up, serve it, and eat it. I'm making artichoke dip--cold. No preparation, just plop it down and sit my ass down to eat. This is the fucking luncheon (I hate that word) that I went to last year when one of the VPs pointed at my gut and said, "Is there something you'd like to tell us?" really loudly. I said, "Yep, I'm fat, now get out of my fucking way. I want some pie." [Grumble].

[Damnit, Mia's trying to eat my peanut butter bars. No, Kitty, that's mah peanut butter bar].

Then Thursday, I have to make something for the English dept luncheon...oh, do you think I repeat myself? No. No, on Thursday, we are splitting the department up into "hallways" and having lunch with the hall. WTF? Know what I'm making? I'm making sugar cookies with icing on top bought directly and packaged directly from Fiesta. [grumble more].

Friday, we are having the chili cookoff and luncheon (What's with that fucking word?). Oh, no, I'm sorry. It's the chili [and soup] cookoff and luncheon. I told them that I was bringing vegetarian chili because I don't eat beef, and they said, "Ooooh. Isn't that nice. Well, we'll just add soup to the flyer, and it will all work out just fine."

MMMM...peanut butter bar. La vita e bella now. Anyone know how to make an e with an accent mark over it with the computer? I can't make it work. Now I wrote The life and beautiful.

Yeah, well, the life and beautiful.

Blog Holiday Party

You are all cordially invited to my Blog Holiday Party, which is happening, well, right now, really. Basically, I want to know who the hell even looks at this blog because I suspect that it is only viewed by Glinda, Two Shirts, and Praxis88.

So stop by, make a comment of some sort, have some egg nog, and socialize. Socializing here means that if you come across a comment from someone you don't know, check out their blog. Tell 'em I sent ya. If you don't have a blog (TwoShirts), now is the time to start one. It's free. It's easy. It's addicting.

Happy Holidays!

Ah, memories

I sent out one of those emails with all the questions on it. My friend, Phebes, sent it back with the following comments:

> What's your favorite memory of me:
1.) A GUY WAS HANGING A COKE BOTTLE OUT OF A WINDOW OF HIS DORM BY A FISHING POLE. YOU SAID, "ARE YOU TRYING TO CATCH A WOMAN? YOU SHOULD USE CHEESECAKE."

2.) ROLLING DOWN YOUR WINDOW OF YOUR CAR AND DAINTILY FLIPPING OFF THE GUY BEHIND YOU FOR HONKING. YOU HELD YOUR FINGER OUT THERE FOR LIKE 2 MINUTES.
3.) TELLING THE FARTING WOMAN IN THE BATHROOM OF A MEXICAN RESTAURANT THAT SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD THE BURRITO. (I WASN'T THERE, BUT I STILL LOVE THE STORY.)

My friend, Jeff, writes:
What's your favorite memory of me: The roadtrip between baylor and south padre and then sleeping in the car on the beach. Pushing my car up into the gas station. Etc. That trip rocked.

my earliest friend writes:
What's your favorite memory of me:> eating dumdums in the backseat of your mom's car after school and your birthday party where we watched girls just want to have fun (Yeah, that was before she had Sex in the City).

Gordie writes: Oh, I know my most favorite memory of you – in Waco, getting the phone call after inventory of you telling me that there was a person in your apartment and I got up, threw on clothes and there was NOTHING in your apartment. And to top it off you convinced me to stay up and go out with you and some crazy guys and they kept talking about the munchies and we ended up in a BAD house.

And Glinda: What's your favorite memory of me: ah god. MILF. i couldn't stop laughing.

What a lovely picture painted of me! Yeah, well, one of a kind I am.

Asthma attack waiting to happen

This is one gallery that I physically couldn't enter. I'd risk it, though, if it meant going to the roach museum instead.

Godsmack Rox

I just worked out to my Cranky Mix, a gift from Glinda. There's nothing like screaming Godsmack at the top of your lungs while pumping out all of those endorphins. I think I disturbed the big headed baby, though.

Because I had a bad evening

I returned home to my favorite vice--online quizzes. Here's my sex role:

Androgynous
You scored 56 masculinity and 60 femininity!

You scored high on both masculinity and femininity. You have a strong personality exhibiting characteristics of both traditional sex roles.

Nice to know.

To Glinda, for her birthday

Made me think of you--the collar mostly...well, that and Bert.

I love how Ernie still has the Applause tag in his ear.

Can't even check my PISDucts because of PISD

So the doc wants me to have a CT scan to check on the status of all the inner kidney workings. I tell him, fine if it doesn't cost too much. CT place calls me and says that all I need to do is pay the rest of my deductible, which at this point is about 300. I think it's not too shabby, so I go ahead and schedule. Then a thought occurs to me that perhaps I shouldn't trust this woman, so I call my insurance. BINGO! I have to pay the deductible AND 20% of the remaining balance. I DON'T THINK SO! So I cancelled. The woman at the CT place actually said, "I am so sorry. I wish that there was something that we could do. People have to cancel all the time, and it kills me that they put their health on hold because of insurance."

While I've got her on the phone, I check about a well woman exam. The exam is not covered, but the pap smear and mammogram are...huh? Anyway, I tell her that I can't have a mammogram because my breasts are too dense (I'm serious. Mom has the same prob. We're small but perky). They always have to give me an ultrasound. She says, "Oh, then that's not covered. Only the mammogram is." I said, "So I'm being discriminated against because I have dense breasts? I can't have the mammogram. The ultrasound should be a substitute." She said that they will only pay for the mammogram because the "ultrasound has a different code." Ok, is it just me, or does that answer not seem even remotely logical? I mean, I know that in the innerworkings of the insurance world, it is logical, but just read the sentence as it stands, and tell me if it even makes sense? If they had said, "We can't pay for an ultrasound because it is more expensive and we're cheap bastards," I would've thought that it was a logical answer, but a different code? So change the fucking code to a payable one then.

I have to get the thing done, though, because I've got another tumor, and I've waited a year to have it looked at because I'm still paying an $8,000 bill for the last tumor I had removed. They weren't cancerous, but the doc wanted to remove them just in case. I worry, too, that i'm going to have to pay the whole thing anyway because they'll claim pre-existing just like they did the time before when I got stuck with 8k. Fucking system.

Well, off to tell 11 of my students that they plagiarized (calculated wrong yesterday, Glinda. The other 5 were some of my high schoolers). Wish me luck!

Bob and Bob are coming to PISD

PISD has decided to spend more of our tax dollars (well, not mine, I guess) to invite the prestigious firm of Bob and Bob to do a little house cleaning. Actually, they've already done their initial investigations, and we found out the results in our meeting today:

• The motto is "Less Rigor; More Relevance"
• Elementary schools at PISD are providing too much rigor. They should let the kids color more and express themselves creatively. Leave reading and writing to the middle schools.
• Middle schools have too little rigor. They are focusing too much on playtime in the classroom and not enough on teaching fundamentals. Good failure rate, though--0%!
• High schools--the failure rate is too high, especially at Dobie (my school) in the English department (mine, too) and particularly among Freshmen (oops, my fault, as well). Our failure rate of fish is 30%
• Relevance is only relevant (ha) when one takes into consideration the generation being studied. This generation, for instance, has been raised on video games and television. Therefore, we must change our stance in the classroom.
• This generation only has a 30 second attention span for media. When using video technology, show it only at 30 second intervals with a break in between to assess knowledge and comprehension. This means that if I'm showing a documentary on Shakespeare, for example, I need to stop the dvd every 30 seconds to ask the kids questions.
• Furthermore, only teach for 7 minutes at a time. The kids (high school included) can only hold 7 minutes of information, so you need to give their minds a break after 7 minutes. Therefore, if you are showing a video, show it in 30 second intervals for 7 minutes and then stop for awhile to let their brains relax. "7 is the magic number." (I thought 3 was the magic number!)
• Information in the classroom must be relevant to the generation. If it is too old, throw it out.

So here's my take on this. I agree that we can't keep teaching the same old way--pointer in one hand, chalk in another. I also agree that kids need a change up in routine--whiteboards, video, groupwork, powerpoint, etc. I even took a class in technology so that I could use the latest tech in the classroom (which they won't let me use because they say it doesn't have any educational value. Maybe bob and bob will change that). I also think that you need to make the work accessible and relevant to kids. Make the stories come alive for them. Connect it to real life. Have them connect it to their lives or to something on TV/Movies.

What I don't understand is this magic number bullshit. If they only have 30 second attention spans for media, why is it, then that they stay glued to a hip hop video from start to finish? It is longer than 30 seconds. Furthermore, if the timeframe is correct, then why do we think it is a good thing? Why don't we teach our kids to have longer attention spans. Think in the long term here, folks. How many corporate meetings do you know of that last for 30 seconds or 7 minutes and then take a break? College classes? SAT tests? Seriously, we're doing them a disservice here.

I left PBS right at the time when they were talking about revamping Sesame Street. CTW did the same bob and bob survey and found out that preschoolers through 1st graders (not highschoolers, you notice) have 30 second attn spans, so they drew out plans to make 30 second segments on SS like Elmo's world and Cookie's world or whatever and take out the ongoing, segmented story. They felt that kids wouldn't be able to remember the story from start to finish because there were too many interruptions. Isn't that the point--to test their memory, to strengthen it? Shouldn't a 3-6 year old learn to follow a story from start to finish even if there is a break between? If you take it out, they will never learn. More alarming, this CTW study was done 6 years ago, so those kids are now 9 to12 and essentially the beginning ages that they are studying in the PISD Bob and Bob survey. Has the new SS system helped or hurt?

Of course the biggest Bob and Bob complaint is our practice TAKS scores. They're upset that we're giving them timed tests in the classroom since TAKS is not timed; kids can take as long as they want. Having observed classes, they find that too much emphasis is given to teaching research, grammar, novels, and poetry, since none of those things appear on the TAKS. Our one goal is to get those scores up, and for that reason, all freshmen teachers are going to be required to start teaching earlier in the summer (with no extra pay) in order to get these kids TAKS ready, at 7 minute intervals while having fun with little rigor.

Blaaaaaaaaah

Birth Announcement

Congratulations to me. This morning, at approx. 7:20, I went into labor and by 8:20, I had given birth to a beautiful baby KIDNEY STONE! I had my first kidney stone back in 1999, but, alas, I lost it down a toilet somewhere. This one, though, lies incubating in a little specimen jar in my doc's office until I pass his brothers who are on their way. Yea!

He's about the size of a peppercorn and jagged around the edges like his mama. I named him Jag. It was weird. I woke up this morning and felt funny and drove to work and felt some pain in my kidneys but nothing substantial. As I pulled in the parking lot, the pain and pressure were a little stronger but still pretty dulled. I walked up the stairs and into a meeting and whammo, there was the pain I remembered. Strangely enough, I sat through the entire meeting quietly and tried to listen and then got up and told my deparment head that I thought that I had a kidney stone and needed to go home. He looked at me, and then everyone looked at me and thought that I was pale and insane and needed to leave immediately.

It's not as bad as last time when my boss at MCI made me wait until my lunch break to go to the doctor. 4 hours of excruciating pain, followed by a trip to the doc where I had to wait and then a trip to the hospital where I had to wait and then a ct scan where I had to wait for results before they finally said, "You have a huge kidney stone. Go home." All of this with no medication. Then when I finally got to go home, I still couldn't take meds because I hadn't eaten. After having that experience, today was a piece of cake. Jag was a little one. His bros might be worse, though, so I shouldn't count my chickens I guess.

Now I'm home drinking fluids and waiting for the others to start pushing their way out! In the meantime, I'll do something more painful--grading papers.

The Diamond Age draws nigh

Interactive books might be closer than we think as far as Edgy's concerned. Well, at least ones that take over your body while you read them.

We're sitting at Tapatia. I'm grading papers, and he's reading The Chronicles of Narnia. Midway through the grading session, I look over, and Edgy's nodding his head slowly. He stops, and then he nods his head more emphatically.

Now, I'm thinking that perhaps he's gotten into some deep philosophical part of the book and is agreeing with the author's assertions, so I ask him what's going on, thinking that this will provide a great diversion from my papers.

Edgy's answer: "They're talking to the dragon in the book, but he can't speak. He can only nod or shake his head." He then looked back down and the book and continued reading.

I stared at him a moment, chuckled, and went back to grading a paper on being a goat inseminator (honest). Glad I didn't start imitating that.

I look like the Shaggy D.A.

I got my haircut today, and it's short. I've spent a year growing it out and was going to try to grow it down to my ass, but I got frustrated mid back (probably more due to grading stress than my hair woes) and told the hair magician to cut it off (but not too short). I don't look like a pixie (not that there's anything wrong with that), but it is at my shoulders. It's curly, so now I look like a sheepdog. I hand him a picture of Uma Thurman, and I come out like a sheepdog. Not his fault, mind you, but I just have sheepdog hair. It's like trying to make Carrot Top look like Pierce Brosnan. Ain't gonna happen.

Maybe if I starved myself and drank 200 degree lattes, I'd be skinny enough to have the body of Uma Thurman and then my hair would look like hers, too. Dream on. I'd look like broccoli.

Edgy thinks it looks good. He kept telling me how pretty it looked tonight. Anyone ever read Stevie Smith? Enough said.

Back to fucking grading.

PS. Love to Edgy for thinking it's pretty.

Ain't no hole in the washtub

I'm babysitting for a precocious 3 year old on Wednesday, so I went to Walgreens to buy some art supplies to keep her entertained. While there, I saw Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas for $3.99. In keeping with my Kermit the Frog theme, I thought I'd buy it and maybe share it with the 3 year old. It's from 1977 with the real Kermit (Jim Henson's voice). Apparently it was a made for TV movie, but I'd never seen it before, until now. I had to actually turn it off midshow because I was laughing so hard I snorted. It's Kermit meets the Beverly Hillbillies. The music, including Ain't no hole in the Washtub, is...I don't even have a word for it. The best part is Chuck the bear (pictured above) in a sleeveless denim shirt/jacket with "Chuck" written across it, the local bad boy. Even better, sitting next to Edgy who is imitating Chuck the bear perfectly.

Really, though, it has a sweet little premise, and the otters on strings are adorable. It's great to watch a good old fashioned puppet show without all the digital technology. Still, though, the soundtrack...UGH.

Well, got to go doctor my foot. I think the pedicure lady got a little carried away with the pumice stone yesterday and cut the part where my toe meets my foot. It's all red and angry, with a gaping hole. I was toe retarded. Now I've got toelio.

Picture of chuck the bear from http://www.progressiveboink.com/archive/emmetotter.htm.

It's not easy being green

Graded 14 papers today. 7 were plagiarized. I hate my life.

So here is the list of places I've gone to grade papers this week:
Monday--Starbucks
Tuesday--Denny's
Wednesday--Chili's
Thursday--59 diner
Friday--IHOP
Saturday--day off
Sunday--Starbucks, TacoBell, and Empire Cafe (Every place was too damn cold. I couldn't get comfortable).

Some woman in Starbucks today was the most high maintenance broad I've ever seen. Early 40s, she comes in wearing little hot pants and a workout top complaining that since she's so thin, she's freezing in the cooooold weather (At this point it was 70) and should've worn sweats. Then she proceeds to order: "Hi. I'd like a Venti latte, nonfat, with little foam, exactly 200 degrees and a pinch of soy milk." The woman behind the counter just stares at her. She repeats it again, like some insensitive moron would do for someone who is hearing impaired, "VENTI LAAATAY, NONFAAAT, WITH LIIIIITUHL FOOOAM, EXAACTLEE 200 DEGREES, AND A SMIDGE OF SOY MILK." Is a smidge different than a pinch? I dunno, but the barista tried to do it anyway.

While waiting, HM hot pants decides to banter--nothing worse than a bantering Jersey Villager. I don't even remember what she was saying but everything referred to her workout and how much she works out and how anal she is about measuring out how much cellulite is under her skin, etc.

Then she gets her f*cking latte. OMG. I think her head turned purple, but she maintained this plasticine smile the whole time. She visibly gulped and said with this candy apple sweetness, "Um...maybe you should try this again. I can tell by taste that it is not 200 degrees. I must have it 200 degress because [some book] says that exactly 200 degrees is needed to burn fat cells while drinking it [note to dieters]. " And she shoves the 2 cups back into the barista's face. the barista, befuddled, attempts to test the milk and then heats it back up. HMHP says, "I don't know how they do it in The Tunnel, but it is always perfect. That Stefan, he always knows how to do me right [giggle giggle]. Maybe I should ask him how he makes it and come back and tell you. That wouldn't offend you, right. I mean, I just want to help you make it right. YOu wouldn't be offended by that, right? I mean, I want it the right way, and this way, you wouldn't have to think I was a pain in the ass by making you redo it because you wouldn't have to redo it, right?"

Barista hands the cups to another barista and says, "Make Trudi's drink, please."

This shit continues on forever. She gets on the phone and yells with candy apple sweetness, of course, at someone for being in a meeting when she called. The whole store is glaring at her, and she's bouncing around, talking like someone on meth. She finally leaves, and every barista in the place slams their head down on the counter simultaneously. Priceless.

That said, I'm tired of grading, so I'm doing my nothavingtothink addiction--quizzes and useless trivia online. Today, it's Sesame Street, in honor of the fact that i'm trying to get back at WTTW in Chicago. Keep your fingers crossed.

Here is why I'm Kermit the Frog.
You are somewhat organized. You have a good idea where you put things and you probably keep your place reasonably clean (except during paper grading time). You aren't totally obsessed with neatness though (As I shouldn't be). You are sometimes concrete and sometimes abstract thinker. You have a good balance in your life. You know when to be logical at times, but you also aren't afraid to explore your dreams and desires. (Come on WTTW)! You are both extroverts. Kermit gets along with everyone. Sure a few folks annoy him, but that's just because they are annoying (Couldn't have said it better myself. Cranky with justification, thank you). You definitely enjoy the company of others, and you don't have problems meeting new people... in fact you probably look forward to it. You are willing to take charge when necessary or work as part of a team.

Yep, Kermit's cool. I thought I'd be Oscar. At least I wasn't Bert with his bottlecap collection. BTW, I also picked up some interesting SS facts:

• Snuffy's real name is Aloysius Snuffleupagus
• Cookie was actually a potato chip monster in the 60s, as a branding icon. His name was Arnold.
• Despite all of the hype about Cookie's bad diet, he actually ate rice cakes on the set.

K, and have you checked out these creatures on PBS lately? It's like the Teletubbies on acid. Trippy.

Polls

I was going to add a poll to my blog, mainly so that we could vote on whether we think TwoShirts should start his own blog (he thinks his life is not interesting enough), but every poll site I look at incorporates ads into your results page, and if I'm going to flood my blog with ads, I'm going to make money off of them with adsense or something, not just host a free space for them to copulate.

Anyone know a way around this?

PS. What do you think about TwoShirts and a blog?

Dreaming of that mojito in San Antonio...

and decided to take this Alcohol Knowledge Test

Bacardi 151Congratulations! You're 141 proof, with specific scores in beer (80) , wine (83), and liquor (130).
All right. No more messing around. Your knowledge of alcohol is so high that you have drinking and getting plastered down to a science. Sure, you could get wasted drinking beer, but who needs all those trips to the bathroom? You head straight for the bar and pick up that which is most efficient.

How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 80% on proof
You scored higher than 66% on beer index
You scored higher than 72% on wine index
You scored higher than 95% on liquor index

I guess I need to study up on beer. They don't serve beer at the Davenport.

What kind of twisted freak am I?

I'm averaging about 7 papers a night in grading, folks, and part of the problem is that 4 out of 7 contain some form of plagiarism, despite the fact that I taught an entire week's worth of lessons about plagiarism, including powerpoint presentations, handouts, personal conferences where I critiqued their rough drafts and pointed out plagiarism, and sent a letter out to parents with links to the OWL writing lab at Purdue and other plagiarism websites and an attachment of my powerpoint presentation. What more can I do?

That said, is it strange that I am delighting in sifting through the papers with highlighter in hand and googling my heart out (because PISD doesn't see Turnitin or any other software as worth their money) to find each and every plagiaristic element of their papers.

Stranger yet, I am actually enjoying the process of looking up all the suspicious parts. I've got them color coded by site and giggle manaically every time I print out a hard copy of the webpage so that I can slam it down as Exhibit A in my trial when I fail them. [Don't laugh. I was put on "trial" last year for giving a student, who didn't do a damn thing, below a 50, since the district policy is to give no lower than a 50 to any student].

hmmmmmaahaWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hey, I wonder if there is a quiz on what kind of twisted freak I am.

Too tired to really post today

I just got home after a day at the high school, an evening at HCC, and a grading session at the 59 diner. Plus, I taught Finnegan's Wake tonight (well, 2 pages of it anyway to give a little taste of Joyce to the HCCers who think they know everything despite the fact that they never read their damn assignments). That was entertaining. I know. I'm a passive aggressive bitch, but whaddya gonna do. Truthfully, though, they kind of liked it.

anyway, the tinky winky thing is pretty damn funny. I thought for sure I'd be Laa Laa because she twirls around and does ballet all the time; then again, Tinky Winky wears the tutu most often. I'll take Tink, though--cool bag, controversial, falls over a lot, loves to sing to himself, "Pinkle winkle, Tinky Winky, pinkle winkle, Tinky Winky." I mean, that's me through and through, only I generally sing in a ferret voice which is much higher in pitch and tone than Tinky Winky's voice.

For those of you wondering why I know the Tinky Winky song: I used to work for PBS and had to monitor breaks everyday, so I watched Teletubbies twice daily.

Ok, last quiz for the evening. I would've rather had Rogue, but you can't argue with the cool factor of Storm.


You are Storm!

You are very strong and very protective of those
you love. You are in tune with nature and are
very concerned with justice and humanity.
Unfortunately, certain apprehensions and fears
are very hard for you to overcome, and can
often inhibit you when most need to be strong.


Which X-Men character are you most like?
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Ok, Time for Tubby Bye Bye.

What would Jerry Falwell do?

What!?

Funny Asian Man

What's Your Personality Type?
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