Miss you, too, Rick!

Cupids, and Pixies, and Nessie, Oh MY!

Just sitting here at the coffee shop, brain completely melted from sifting through and coding qualitative interviews that mean nothing to me in terms of a dissertation. Just pays the bills. For awhile, I was able to half-ass listen to a convo about various poets, making me wish I was back in the English department--sigh. The choices we make...

Now the tie to my literary past is gone, and I am left with nothing but thoughts of mythical creatures: gorgyles, leprechauns, slykicks, unicorns, big headed babies. This came about because next to me, there are three people sitting abreast on a couch drinking nothing, saying nothing, and simply staring at a sleeping baby with a look of prozaced bliss on their faces. Seriously, they look like Medusa sneaked up behind them and turned them to stone with this look on their face. I'm ok with it and all, but you're taking up a couch, dude. Then again, I'm taking up a table writing about them, so I guess I'd better get back to coding. At least I'm drinking coffee!

I've got another refill coming on my coffee, or I'd just leave. Please, gods above, grant me something interesting to watch or talk to.

note to self

must do a dialogue--tag team wrestling between sheik and goulet/warrior and walter. shomer shabbas get outta my ring.

Gorgyles!

I worked from home today but took a little day trip to the Bayou City Art Festival and spent a day's earnings. Still, I couldn't pass up this fantastic picture (hit Paris and look for Lunch in Paris) of 2 gargoyles devouring the Eiffel Tower atop Notre Dame Cathedral. It's aptly titled Lunch in Paris, and he personalized the back for me.

The thing is, though, that I was completely infected by the damn Warrior! I honestly could not say the freakin word, gargoyles. In fact, even now as I type, I keep thinking I'm typing it wrong and that the word is gorgyles. OMG, I'm Warriorlexic now!

I even had to apologize to the artist and tried to explain that I'm not an idiot and actually have a Masters in English and am just messed up because of the show. He, having not seen the show, put on a good face and said, "Um, yeah, like a bad song stuck in your head." UGH! Stupid Warrior!

Anyway, he actually took it on Old School film, and you can even see the writing from the negative on the top of the photo, which makes me happy.

And in case you think I was just playing hookey from work, I actually went shopping and picked up a few plush seder dinner sets for the Passover teaching this weekend, and trust me, there will be much work for the Crankster this evening. But for now, off for a little Italian food and a martini!

Happy belated bday, warrior

In my craziness, I forgot that the Warrior's bday was yesterday. Since I had to work, I'll celebrate tonight with a little dedication and some tainted OJ.

As if I don't have enough decisions to make in my life

My credit card sent me an important announcement (open immediately) that I could customize the design of my card by choosing from over 150 designs. A. Like I have time to look at 150 designs. B. Like I could choose one. It's like 31 flavors, I can't ever decide so I just choose mint chocolate chip for the color (always a hit). C. I doubt they have Hello Kitty, and I would only waste the time changing my card for Hello Kitty or perhaps godwarrior. and D. if I did change it, they'd probably screw something up and send me the wrong one anyway, prompting me to spend hours on the customer service line listening to Lionel Richie covered by John Tesh, only to talk to some low paid CSR rep (I feel your pain) who doesn't really want to be there and is probably playing freecell while talking to me anyway.

I have my plain card and a sharpie--it's not that hard to draw the warrior!

Devil Box Confessions

I rarely watch TV, mainly because I'm never home to watch it but also because I find that I get sucked into mindnumbing shows. In fact, before the Warrior, I only watched The Simpsons and and reruns of Mad About You.

Post Warrior, however, I've found myself spending some (ok most) Friday nights watching Trading Spouses. This led to Wife Swap, a similar show on ABC Monday Nights. After WS comes SuperNanny, which I "closetly" watched before really. Now that it comes on after Wife Swap, however, I watch it more often. And now, the show of the century, Miracleworkers, a much better show than that Makeover Waaa my nose sucks and I can't be seen in public show on Fox. This show actually helps people with serious problems, and now I'm addicted to it. I just spent from 7pm til 10 watching TV, getting up only to make myself a Toffeecoffeetini (my new creation) and to "wee wee," as Jo, the SuperNanny, calls it.

Oh, and I think I ate an entire bag of pizza goldfish.

I'm so dorksided.

I'm Tainted--ahhhhhhh

Sweet mother of God. Everytime we go to the Devilport, I am reminded of why we don't go there often. It's because the next day, I'm resigned to eating baked lays, salsa, and "Co-Cola's new energy drink." I've got a Warrior sized headache (going away now that I'm drinking my Co-Cola). Plus, at about 7 this morning, the Warrior took her revenge (something akin to Montezuma's revenge, if you get my drift). Still, an excellent way to celebrate the inaugural year of Warriorday. Here are highlights:

• The trip to Michaels the day before. It's like the poor white trash girl's Tiffany's. I quote Holly Golightly: "Well, when I get [the mean reds] the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!" Everyone was so nice in Michaels, and they even gave me 40% off of my purchase, even though I didn't have a coupon.
• Fried pickles and ranch dressing, dubbed "Warrior Spears"
• Glinda had a Guiness because it was "darksided." I had a 5th avenue because I wanted a 5th avenue; Chuck had a Manhattan (I guess our drinks could represent the East Coast where all the tainted people live); Twoshirts had iced tea (I'm starting to think that he is on the other side--LIGHTSIDED!)
• Discussion of firearms at dinner, just like any redneck family from Ponchatula Parish
• The unveiling of the official Warriorday t-shirts (Edgy's--Gorgyles!; Mine--Slykicks!; Glinda's--Tainted!; and Twoshirts got shafted because I accidentally bought the wrong size. Praxis, your iron on transfer will be in the mail soon).
• Wearing of such tshirts--Glinda in a crew neck--HA!
• Parking situation at Devilport--there is no parking. I don't know where we all parked.
• The menu--very little tainted material to work with. We had to get creative. Twoshirts had Barbie's Bathwater, a drink which he felt "shrunk [his] testicles to the size of [something, I don't remember]." Glinda and I had Pitbull in the SKYY because she is most definitely a Pitbull hovering above everyone. Chuck had Sex at Sunset, when he should've remembered her pithy saying at the radio station, "I promise you won't go blind." During this time, Praxis was fighting with the dryer and Beelzebounce.
• Watching fish porn on TV and screaming, "Get it, Nemo--UH!"
• Some guy from the Merc in NY who flipped his business card at us and begged us not to take his picture just so that we would take his picture. He represented the 15 minutes of fame that the Warrior should've had but that we keep dragging out for her.
• This part didn't happen last night, but I just have to wonder if Corpus Christi will erect a statue of the Warrior. Why, you ask? Because Corpus already has 3 statues in the main square, apparently: Columbus, Jesus, and Selena. Why not the Warrior? Her gap toothed smile and portruding boob would forever be cast in bronze.
• The pictures. ungodly. I'll leave you to Glinda for those.
• Second round of drinks: G--same; Me--Antarctic Blast (It was blue and made no reference to the Warrior, but it was tasty); Edgy--what did Edgy get? And Twoshirts left--LIGHTSIDED. Praxis inadvertently left, too, because both my phone and G's died. We will have to wait for his post.
• Second and a 1/2 round of drinks: Some Pentecostal looking woman came up and offered us an Apple Martini, which Edgy gulped down, the warrior that he is. She wanted 2 ciggies in return, so maybe she wasn't Pentecostal. I think she was a plant from the Warrior--a test of sorts. We turned her dorksided anyway. G and I split another Pitbull. This was bad because any ounce of liquor over 2 drinks in the Devilport is ungodly. [Minor tangent here: One night I was drinking a martini at the D, and Edgy wanted some. We asked for a rocks glass with very little ice. I poured him a full rocks glass of the toxin, and then looked back at my martini glass. It looked virtually untouched. That, my friends, is the power of the Devilport. Do not mock us for only having 2 1/2 drinks]
• discussion of Mary and priests and the This and the That. No moon, though.
• Final departure, with G inviting us over for some wine (good god, I would never have recovered)

Well, folks, Co-Cola did me right. That Vault drink did the trick, and I am "healed." Time to finish cleaning my house now.

Are you ready for some WARRIOR???

Yes, my friends and fellow Warrior addicts, tomorrow is the night that we celebrate the Warrior's birthday (really her bday is Friday, but we all have plans).

I have prepared the celebratory t-shirts for the evening, complete with quotes from the lady of the night--er, I mean evening. Yes, you must wear them. I made a special trip to Michaels, and I called for permission first, but TwoShirts was the only one who answered (Glinda was snuggling under a tree or something).

Glinda, are you making halos? ;o) TwoShirts, your job is to actually watch the show. Click on the "clip of the show" section. Praxis, your job is to text us and send us pictures all night of you and your celebration. Edgy helped me make the shirts.

And the drinks of the evening? Some ideas: Four Horsemen, Shot From Hell, Three Wisemen, Absolutely ScrewedUp, Adam and Eve, Get the Hell out of my House, Bible Belt, Black Magic, Dark Indulgence, Devil's Piss, Dixie Stinger, Fallen Angel, Flaming Jesus, Gin and Sin, Her Name in Lights, Hillbilly Highball, Moon Quake Shake, Southern Hospitality, Time Bomb, Ugly, What the Hell, White Trash, and Witches' Brew.

Of course, I don't know if we can get those at the Devilport, but we'll see. So what time are we meeting folks? I've got class until about 7ish.

Bring out your gargyles and slagkicks

'cause it's time for a party. The Warrior's birthday is March 10. Though we Warrioraddicts are not all in the same hood, we have the magic of text messaging to bring us together. So, what are we doing to celebrate?

Encore

Now my week can finally end on a good note--an encore performance of the god warrior. Plus, I think there was some "never before seen" footage. She's so damn slothful, too, even when she's yelling. Her face is animated, but she's slumped down or sprawled out all the time.

Still priceless. My comments still stand.

This time, though, I'm left with a sadness because I'm reminded that I grew up with those Southern bitch types my whole life, and it makes me physically ill (though not vomiting and having olfatory hallucinations) to watch the closed minded disdain and hatred on the women's faces as they just blatantly dismissed that poor woman as a human. They came in armed for battle immediately. You could tell. Makes me sick. Empty headed people. Much like this.

Southern fundamentalists should learn to shut the hell up, really, or pay attention to their WWJD bracelets. I am a Christian (and when I see this written, it reminds me of that song-- I am a C...), but I'm sickened by people who destroy the emotions of other people in the name of their faith. Worse yet, these people believe in sex for mere procreation most of the time (stay away from "the sex trap" for god's sake), and thus breed their sickness. People get the feeling that Christians are all nutjobs because the Fundies are so damn vocal.

Reminds me of class last night. A girl asks me to be her partner on a project. Then she found out where I lived and freaked out. "OMG THERE! I mean--er---I went to a gay bar once. It was fun." Then when I suggest that we meet for coffee to plan out the project, she suddenly becomes freaked out and says, "um...that's ok. we can just meet here right? Ok, bye." I guess she thought I was asking her out. Whatever.

Blucch. I need to go listen to my godwarrior CD.

Before I sign off, though, what the hell was with her freaking out about the dryer?

Tribute to Praxis 88 on his birthday

Original image from www.margueriteperrin.com
Mutilated by Cranky, who is not adept at photoshop whatsoever.

Just in the St. Nick of time

I'm getting pretty tired of searching for jobs and was about to throw in the towel, so I went down to check my mail. What to my wondering eyes did appear? A package from Praxis88!

So now, I am all jazzed up to send out resumes right and left because I have my GodWarrior mix crankin'. Wooohooo!

Thanks, Prax! Very creative. I personally like the references to tainted and GET OUT. Too bad Glinda is off snowboarding. Poor thing. She has to wait a week for her copy! It pays to stay in Pewston.

Meltdown mom gets on Leno

Ok, the God Warrior woman gets $50k to be on Fox and then gets paid to be on Leno and gets to meet Diane Keaton and Alanis Morrisette all for acting like a royal freak on TV.

Even funnier is the fact that she's in the Wikipedia. The margaurite remix is hilarious, and I love the link for slag-kicks (note that when you click on it, it says in tiny print: "redirected from psychic"). The quotes are great, too.

I, however, missed the Leno segment because I was busy sorting through a stack of 170 papers that I have to grade for my stupid, low paying, no reward having, dark eye circle and saddlebag giving job that requires me to teach nouns to juvie delinquents.

You think I'm exaggerating? A former little 17 year old freshmen delinquent got put back in my class today. He was withdrawn last 9 weeks because he was sent back to jail (big people jail) for breaking parole, assault with a deadly weapon and for bringing said weapon to school, but he failed to appear in jail (how do you fail to appear?). They caught him 8 weeks later, and Texas decided that sending him back to regular old high school was punishment enough, so he's back in my class--not to jail where he belongs, mind you, or even to a juvenile detention center but to PISD.

So while Mimi's evil twin gets to hobnob with celebrities and autograph bobbleheads, I am stuck buying eye cream at the CVS. Screw her. Maybe I need to poke out one of my teeth and caterwaul.

Simon says, "Scream 'Hallelujah!'"

Thanks to Praxis88, I just finished watching the psycho explode on Trading Spouses, but I must say that her 20 minute tirade was not as funny as these shots:

1. The psycho woman is sitting on the porch having a prayer vigil or something, and we go to commercial break. After the break, the camera does a close up on one of the gargoyles and then pans up to a close up of her, squatted down on the porch swing, face wrinkled up, looking exactly like the gargoyle.

2. She arrives at the NOLA airport screaming, "This is God's country," at the top of her lungs and frightening the hell out of her cabbie.

3. I have to repeat the title of my entry again: "Simon says, 'Scream Hallelujah.'" This was how the family killed time peacefully before mom burst through the door. I also loved the welcome signs out front that she totally dismissed, while the other family played lacrosse in the yard together.

4. During her tirade when she tells all the people from the "dark side" to get "out-tuuuuuuh," she rips off her overshirt, revealing her bra and the profile of her entire, immense breast through the arm hole. I kept waiting for it to pop through.

5. When she tells the crew from the dark side to leave, one of the cameras accidentally catches another camera operator, a petite Asian girl, on camera, who is frantically trying to decide whether she should leave or stay. Priceless.

6. The "lifetime TVesque" credits at the end, where, among other appropriate things, the New Age mom allocates $20,000 for psycho to have the gastric bypass surgery she wanted. Previously, of course, we've had to watch pyscho rip the allocation letter into shreds, throw it down, pick it up again and throw it out the door. Now, though, she "has reconsidered the offer and has decided to take the money." I guess the "tainted money" was good enough for a little stomach stapling, now, wasn't it?

7. The commercial coming on after the tirade was freakin perfect, but the phone rang, and now I can't remember what it was, but it couldn't have been more perfect. Maybe I'll think of it.