I'm a human bug light

Ok, seriously there's something wrong with me.

My whole life things have hit me in waves. I'll go through a period of time when some object (inanimate or animate) will bombard me. Some might call it synchronicity--you know, when fate sends you signs. The thing is, though, that I must not pay attention to these signs because they smack me in the face like a herd of buffalo. Or maybe it's more that I don't understand the signs. I dunno.

And see, I have clumpaphobia. I hate big clumps of things. When I was a kid, I went waterskiing for the first time, and the boys next door thought it would be funny to steer me through a school of flying fish. I'm not sure if that started my fear of clumps, but it sure as hell didn't help it. It certainly explains why I don't like to swim in murky water with fish in it. Ugh.

So back to the bug thing. In college, it was crickets--thousands of them--EVERYWHERE! I even ordered a sandwich from Wendy's, and there was a cricket grilled right into my chicken sandwich. Then, right around the time I was making the big jump to Chicago, I kept getting harassed by butterflies. Ok you might think they are all beautiful and delicate, but I think they are blood thirsty beasts, really. They swarm around me all the time, and during this particular period of my life, they couldn't get enough of me. And then they were all over gifts that people gave me--stationery, stained glass little thingamabobbies. I did get a few particularly pretty butterfly necklaces, though, and then I decided that butterflies were ok as long as they were fake or really far away.

Then it was ladybugs. Freakin' millions of ladybugs. Then ants. And most recently, it was dragonflies. I went to a friend's house, and there were so many freakin' dragonflies in front of the house that I could barely get in. Then they appeared at my apt and on gifts and things. Then, this past week it was fireflies which I haven't ever seen in Texas, but now that I live in the boonies, I see them. And my moving boxes all have firefly written on them, and a coworker was just talking about some show called firefly. Very weird.

Ok, so that brings me to today. Today, I've been touched by every bug imaginable. This morning, I walked outside face first into a huge ass spiderweb in front of my door (and one very large spider). Then as I'm locking my door, a grasshopper (whom I've named Henry) was perched on my doorknob where he waits every morning and every evening when I come home. Then these very strange mosquito looking things kept hovering over me as I went downstairs. And then at work I was accosted by wasps.

And now for the WORST PART OF MY DAY! I went to eat at a nearby steakhouse because I had a craving for a bloody steak, and I decided to splurge on dessert because I just wanted some damn dessert. So I'm eating this brownie thing, and I suddenly feel this odd texture in my mouth. It's a little crunchy, but more than that, there's something long and scratchy going on. I almost swallowed it, but just couldn't bring myself to do so, and I reached in and pulled out of my MOUTH a freakin' roach leg. Oh dear God. It was a roach leg. It had the little jaggedy hair things and little foot things, and OMG it was a roach leg.

I'm scared fucking to death of roaches. Normally, if there is a roach even in the room, I'm out the door so fast (hey that's an idea for my marathon speedwork) that a puma couldn't catch me. Today, I just sat and stared at it. I'm not sure if it was the endorphins from the hurt foot I have that just kept me from screaming or if I was just in pure shock, but I just stared at it. Yeah, looking back, it was shock for sure.

My friend at the time was in the bathroom, and he came back and saw my face which apparently was ghost white. He said, "Are you ok? What's wrong? What's wrong?" in this sort of worried tone, and I just picked up the freakin' leg (omg, I was totally in shock) and handed it to him, my mouth still full of unswallowed brownie.

At this point, I'm hoping that he will say, "Oh, that's just some grass or a stem or a stick or some weed that the bus boy dropped in your brownie." Nope. He says, "Oh God. Oh dear God. Oh Kim. Oh are you going to freak on me? Where's the rest of it?"

And that's when my stomach dropped to my knees. Yes, I had just eaten a roach. I'm not sure how much of one I ate, but sure as shit, there was the fucking leg sitting there.

So my friend calls the waiter over who promptly calls over the owner.

Now this woman...hmmmm...how can I describe her? She looked like the grandma from the Addams Family--grey hair all tangled and matted, toothless, strange tumor jutting out of her cheek like the tip of an iceberg. Her shirt is half untucked, and she comes up to the table and growls, "Waddya want?" Seriously, her voice was cackly, like a bartender at some local dive bar with pickled eggs behind the counter. Are you with me, here? Scary, scratchy, esophageal cancer kind of voice.

And again, at this point, still in shock, I'm thinking to myself, "This isn't real. This isn't happening. I'm dreaming this." And I'm sort of happy in this stupor until my friend says, "Kim, are you going to talk?"

I can't. I can't talk. I try to, and all I can muster is this weird seal sort of sound. I don't even think I made that sound because they just stared at me. So my friend shows Hagatha the leg and explains that he doesn't wish to make a scene but that I just pulled a roach leg out of my mouth.

Hagatha then pulls out a knife. I'm thinking, "Oh dear God she's going to kill us" but instead she starts slicing the freaking leg in two. And she says (no exaggeration on the accent), "Nope. Tat ain't no roach leg. Tain't. I'm tha owner, and I ain't seen no roaches here never. We gots professional bug killers come here all the time, so ain't no way we have roaches. But ah'll give you your food for free because of tha mental anguich of thinkin' it twere a roach."

you can imagine where this story went from here, so I won't go into it, but YUCK!

And THEN I came home to Henry, my doorgrasshopperman, and did a little cleaning. I opened the box of trash bags and yanked one out absentmindedly, and a big ass dead bumblebee hits me in the face. OMG. I am totally going to bed. This is way more than immersion therapy.

My furry friend

I have a new running partner. No, it's not Chipper Jen. It's a raccoon. He follows me around the streets of the burbs and runs at the same speed (and same ungainly gait) as I do. He even hangs with me at the pool, dipping his little paw in the water as he lounges in the cool (yeah, right) evening.

He's got another friend, a cat. They hang together and feed each other and such. Yes, this is my life now that I live somewhere where you can see the stars. No more rants about the pasty white yuppie neighbors. Now I just have interracial creatures to hang with. Ah, suburbia.

Someone help me.

So the place is coming together somewhat. I was supposed to run tonight, but I opted to unload boxes of books and eat ramen noodles with a nice cabernet on the side. And I ate it all on a box because I can't reach my table. And why didn't I run? Why did I stand up my furry running partner? It's because team in training are a bunch of fuckwads, and I don't want to talk about it. Maybe tomorrow I'll post, but for now, I'll finish my bottle of Two Buck Chuck.

oh holy crap

I just realized that I had a dream last night about Praxis' nude Vermont guy. I was walking down the street and under an overpass, and there he was with his ass cheeks all aglow. God. I really need a life so I can have better dreams.

you know...

people should just kiss my ass.

I need Catbirds.

Snarfle Argy McSnargy

Ok, I'm freaking the hell out (thus the nonsensical title to this post). Everything has happened all at once, and I'm a little overwhelmed.

1. I am now living in the burbs. It is way too quiet. I mean it's like solitary confinement at Alcatraz quiet. Crazy quiet. I was eating crackers the other day, and I could swear that it was so loud that my neighbors could hear it (if I have them). My new apt is ok, though. I had to sign a wildlife addendum that says that I won't feed the animals etc. I've seen lots of raccoons and huge ass spiders with webs as strong as guitar strings. No alligators yet, but they were mentioned on the addendum with coyotes.

2. A month and a half until my marathon. Had a little panic attack today. I did 18 miles last weekend with little problems (the arch of my foot cramps up at mile 16), but someone sent me this link today, and it freaked me out. Really, it freaked me out. WTF am I doing? What was I thinking? Seriously, I went to a meeting atop Central Market in May, and they showed me these damned videos with poor leukemia kids crying and fat people crossing the finish line, and I'm totally bawling deep down inside with the little lump in my throat and I signed the dotted line. WTF??? I am NOT a runner! What was I thinking? Holy shit. I could die. Really, I could die! I mean the fear has now gone from not finishing to freaking dying. OMG.

3. I have a new running group. It's still the Leuk society, but this is the clear lake leukers. They're nice. They are. I have to say that. They're much nicer than Memorial and less competitive. In fact, I came in second on Tuesday, right behind Chipper Lori who I keep calling Chipper Jen because I forget her name is Lori. Chipper Jen/Lori wears pink and not much of it because she forgets to wear clothes when she runs. She has less boobs than I do so she only needs two bandaids and dental floss to hold them together while she runs. Her shorts or speedos or something on the other hand, I'm not sure about. I wouldn't be caught dead swimming in that little fabric, much less running. She's built like a string bean, though, and has the energy of a rabbit on speed. We live in the same complex, apparently, and she's so damned excited that I could be her running partner. "OMG OMG OMG OMG, we TOTALLY live right next to each other you should TOTALLY come knock on my door and be my running partner." And she's running in place while I'm trekking up kemah bridge at the best of my ability for the 5th time, wheezing. As I explain to her that she runs an 8 minute mile, while I run a mere 11, I can see her eyes lose that twinkle and her Jokeresque smile start to sag. She looked like a little girl who had just dropped her lollipop in an ant bed. I explained that I hadn't ever run before, and this is my first attempt, and she says, "Oh TOTALLY! I TOTALLY started running in college 5 years ago." Yeah, that did it. I kicked it into gear and finished the last repeat faster than the Roadrunner. Bite me, chipper.

4. Did I mention I live in the suburbs?

5. Work is crazy insane. I haven't had time to breathe.

6. Everything I have is in boxes. Everything. I have one pair of shoes and a bra. I've been pulling shirts out of random boxes and putting them together with whatever will cover my ass. what happened was that I ran out of boxes on Thursday night before I moved, so everything got shoved into random grocery bags or duffel bags or filing cabinets--anything that holds something. I think I have a pair of underwear in a carafe somewhere, for gods' sake. My house looks like a life sized version of a Jenga tournament, boxes precariously stacked upon one another. I'm going nuts. And it's so damned quiet!!!

7. i forgot to switch my mail over, and I keep forgetting. WTF is wrong with me?

8. I can't even remember 8. I'm losing it people.