Stealing a Meme

Today was the laziest day I've ever had. Seriously, I woke up at 10:30, fell back asleep until noon, ate a spoonful of almond butter, and fell back asleep until 5:30. This weekend was spent working my ass off nonstop, during which time I also had the chills and cold sweats. I think I'm trying to get sick.

So, today's blog is a stolen idea from the Praxis--in two parts. You know you're from Houston when...

You're on your way to work one February morning and suddenly you're trapped in a traffic jam caused by a chuck wagon and fifty horses -- with riders -- and you look around to see that everybody in the cars around you is wearing a cowboy hat. [this has never happened to me].

The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes. [4, usually].

If you want to be a snob about your grocery shopping, you can go to a Randall's Flagship, a Kroger Signature, a Rice Epicurean, an HEB Central Market to buy bread and milk (but you have to dress up!) [now you have to dress up to take your dog out for a shit around here].

You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees. [when do you actually turn the air off?]

You have a Roach Story: You opened your flatware drawer to find a roach the size of the Taco Bell chihuahua. He stood up and looked you in the eye. You closed the drawer, bought new flatware -- and stored it in the oven. [OMG, I have about 20 roach stories. They're immense. They fly. And you can't kill them. Raid only makes them foam and fly. I've even cut one in half with a raid can, and the front half flew at me. AAAAA. I hate them.AAAAAAAA].

The name "Bud Adams" makes people snarl, and "Bum Phillips" doesn't mean a bad screwdriver. [Bud Adams is a jagoff]

"Luv ya Blue" still makes you smile, even if you did run the Oilers out of town. {I have pictures of myself dressed up as an Oiler's cheerleader in 2nd grade. AND I still have my Luv Ya Blue Jacket].

You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth Wonder of the World. {Right after La Chunnel]

Your neighbor's Christmas yard decorations look like a re-creation of the gunfight at the OK Corral, complete with a ten-foot tree decorated with boots and cowboy hats, and a Santa Claus who looks a lot like Wyatt Earp.
[disturbing, but true.]

You know that "Dad gummit" has nothing to do with your father's failure to practice good dental hygiene. [I never knew anyone actually said those words until I started dating Edgy].

For a Chili Cookoff, you'll use anything from armadillo to frog's legs, but you know that the only GOOD chili is made with chopped -- not ground -- beef, and it has NO beans and NO tomatoes. [how about no beef and lots of beans and tomatoes, a bottle of beer, and a splash of sugar]

Society matrons of "a certain age" still sport big hair, and faces that have gone east, west, and north rather than south. [yeah, but I wouldn't limit them to a certain age. Just visit Clear lake.]

You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven't left the city limits. (During rush hour, you haven't left your neighborhood.) [and during a hurricane evac, you haven't moved at all]

You've never seen 45 in any condition other than under-construction -- and you've lived here for 20-30 years. [Or I-10 or 59 or 610]

If the humidity is below 90 percent, it's a good hair day. [never a good hair day here]

You see nothing unusual about an 80-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white pompadour toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams, "MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, EYE-witness news" into a television camera every night. [FREAK}

How about the fact that people drive in the middle of the lanes here, like PacMan, and change lanes with no indicator?