The Baby Shower

I hate baby showers. In fact, the only thing I hate more than baby showers is a wedding shower, particularly the Southern tradition of a "personal shower," which usually adds up to a hen party with older women telling younger women about the negative aspects of sex and how you need to wear nothing under your apron while you cook in high heels (as if this is some big marriage secret) to make your husband happy and do your "wifely duty" with style. Then the bride opens boxes of ugly lingerie and giant phalluses (usually ethnic so that the white girls can giggle) and, after playing some game where we dress the bride in toilet paper, we all eat a penis cake. Yes, those are worse than baby showers.

Saturday was my cousin's baby shower. The person giving the shower backed out at the last minute, so my cousin gave herself a shower. It was at Ryan's Steakhouse, which is white trash heaven. Plus, it was the Ryan's in Texas City, which was voted Best little city in America or something like that years back, and I'm not sure why because all they do is drink, screw, and eat, and they think that going "all the way to Houston" is something that you only do once every 5 years. Texas City practically borders the city limits.

I arrive early to see my cousin, larger than a wooly mammoth, waddling sadly in with this tiny little "It's a girl" balloon hanging over her head. She looked like that Zoloft commercial, the one with the big blob who has something floating over his head. This restaurant was unbelievable. Every person in there was just gross. Buffets gross me out anyway really because of the unbelievable gluttony involved. People pile mounds of food on their plates, as if they can't go back for seconds, which they all do.

Anyway, we waited in a line of people hitched together stomach to stomach like a human freight train. Then we were escorted back to the party room to meet our 2 servers. The upshot is that only 4 people showed: my mom, me, my cousin and her mom. NO ONE ELSE. It was mortifying having 2 waitresses wait on us. They kept bringing rolls, baskets and baskets of rolls. Fucking surreal. 3 hours of surreal, too, because she was positive someone would show up. They didn't.

I didn't eat the rolls. I am still on the diet and was feeling awesome until after the Ryan's experience. I ate as carefully as possible, but whatever they put on their nasty ass food made me sooooo sick. I felt like a truck ran over me and have since then. It's like I'm back where I started before this diet with the aches and joint stiffness. I'm so freakin pissed. Now I have to basically start over from square one because I can't add anything new until I feel good for 24 hours. I was supposed to add potatoes tonight because it's my anniversary with Edgy, but now I'm back to square one. FUCKING RYANS. FUCKING SHOWERS.