Older and Wiser
Things I learned from this year's Kimday:
1. When hanging out with people who are in the local brewing club, one should always check the labels on the beer. Some of them are 9% alcohol. Some are 11%.
2. After unknowingly consuming beer with high levels of alcohol, one should never try to pack for a trip the next day.
3. When packing after #1 and 2, if all one can think to pack is undies and a fez, don't worry. You will be able to buy electrical tape and a ukulele at your final destination. If you happen to forget this fact in a panic, just text Glinda. She'll remind you.
4. There is a distinct difference in drinking all night and having 4 hours of sleep when you are in college and doing the same in your thirties. This is why most people settle down and have kids. They have an excuse to avoid a horrible hangover.
5. No matter how much they claim to be conservative, San Diego is infinitely more moderate than anywhere in Texas.
6. Running in California feels like flying compared to humidity and pollutant saturated Houston.
7. Never tell people in an airport bar that it is your birthday. They will buy you shots and expect you to drink them. A good comeback, though, when they scream alcohol abuse as you walk away from 4 shots sitting on the bar--"No, I don't abuse alcohol. That's why I can walk away from it." (This is also another sign that you have reached your thirties).
8. Never work for a company that at your little bday party expects you to tell them 3 things about you that they don't know. I mean, wtf do you divulge? The best thing to do is make something up: "My aunt is a crossdresser who is addicted to chocolate covered ants." It shuts them up, and some more astute people enjoy the pun.
9. If you do work for a company like this and choose to divulge something true (like I did), make it something benign and then breathe a sigh of relief because they aren't listening to you anyway.
10. 33 year old boobs still have magnetism!
11. Kitty cats throw you the best parties ever.
12. Buon Appetito on Holcombe has phenomenal food.
13. Learning Chinese has made me start to forget Italian. This saddens me.
14. Always, always, always request a hard copy of an invitation to an event. Never rely on word of mouth. You'll end up wearing a slinky tank and black pants to a formal Shriner's military ball when you thought you were going to a club to hear her husband's band play.
15. If you leave your fez in San Diego, never fear. Someone will invite you to a Shriner's Ball for your birthday.
16. No one, NO ONE can give evil elevator stares like the wives of Shriners.
17. At some point in life, it's time to reassess footwear. At the Shriner's Ball, one woman fell and twisted her ankle dancing the fox trot. Another fell and cracked open her skull sending blood down her dress like Steven King's Carrie. And, well unrelated to footwear, another man had a heart attack, causing them to have to break open the $7400 defibrillator that was donated to the center. He lived, btw.
18. Apparently, if you see a shriner wearing big MC Hammer type pants and a little arabian outfit and a big scimitar, you are (women only, please) supposed to pull open his pants and drop in a few dollar bills for charity. I was requested to do so. I declined saying that I only carry plastic.
19. Never decline saying that you only carry plastic. Shriner, who is most always a politician running for office, will ask you to use plastic online to donate to his campaign.
20. The Volcano will not allow you in if your ID is expired or if you left it at home.
Mild Kimday for all. I was supposed to go out again last night, but my tonsils kept me down. As it is right now, I'm taking a break from sleeping. Back to sleep now.
1. When hanging out with people who are in the local brewing club, one should always check the labels on the beer. Some of them are 9% alcohol. Some are 11%.
2. After unknowingly consuming beer with high levels of alcohol, one should never try to pack for a trip the next day.
3. When packing after #1 and 2, if all one can think to pack is undies and a fez, don't worry. You will be able to buy electrical tape and a ukulele at your final destination. If you happen to forget this fact in a panic, just text Glinda. She'll remind you.
4. There is a distinct difference in drinking all night and having 4 hours of sleep when you are in college and doing the same in your thirties. This is why most people settle down and have kids. They have an excuse to avoid a horrible hangover.
5. No matter how much they claim to be conservative, San Diego is infinitely more moderate than anywhere in Texas.
6. Running in California feels like flying compared to humidity and pollutant saturated Houston.
7. Never tell people in an airport bar that it is your birthday. They will buy you shots and expect you to drink them. A good comeback, though, when they scream alcohol abuse as you walk away from 4 shots sitting on the bar--"No, I don't abuse alcohol. That's why I can walk away from it." (This is also another sign that you have reached your thirties).
8. Never work for a company that at your little bday party expects you to tell them 3 things about you that they don't know. I mean, wtf do you divulge? The best thing to do is make something up: "My aunt is a crossdresser who is addicted to chocolate covered ants." It shuts them up, and some more astute people enjoy the pun.
9. If you do work for a company like this and choose to divulge something true (like I did), make it something benign and then breathe a sigh of relief because they aren't listening to you anyway.
10. 33 year old boobs still have magnetism!
11. Kitty cats throw you the best parties ever.
12. Buon Appetito on Holcombe has phenomenal food.
13. Learning Chinese has made me start to forget Italian. This saddens me.
14. Always, always, always request a hard copy of an invitation to an event. Never rely on word of mouth. You'll end up wearing a slinky tank and black pants to a formal Shriner's military ball when you thought you were going to a club to hear her husband's band play.
15. If you leave your fez in San Diego, never fear. Someone will invite you to a Shriner's Ball for your birthday.
16. No one, NO ONE can give evil elevator stares like the wives of Shriners.
17. At some point in life, it's time to reassess footwear. At the Shriner's Ball, one woman fell and twisted her ankle dancing the fox trot. Another fell and cracked open her skull sending blood down her dress like Steven King's Carrie. And, well unrelated to footwear, another man had a heart attack, causing them to have to break open the $7400 defibrillator that was donated to the center. He lived, btw.
18. Apparently, if you see a shriner wearing big MC Hammer type pants and a little arabian outfit and a big scimitar, you are (women only, please) supposed to pull open his pants and drop in a few dollar bills for charity. I was requested to do so. I declined saying that I only carry plastic.
19. Never decline saying that you only carry plastic. Shriner, who is most always a politician running for office, will ask you to use plastic online to donate to his campaign.
20. The Volcano will not allow you in if your ID is expired or if you left it at home.
Mild Kimday for all. I was supposed to go out again last night, but my tonsils kept me down. As it is right now, I'm taking a break from sleeping. Back to sleep now.
posted by Cranky at 2:45 PM
2 Comments:
bwahaha! so glad i could be of assistance! are there any pics of you, the boobs, the electrical tape, and the ukelele?
I chose to have no pictures this year. Again, older and wiser...
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