Older and Wiser

Things I learned from this year's Kimday:

1. When hanging out with people who are in the local brewing club, one should always check the labels on the beer. Some of them are 9% alcohol. Some are 11%.

2. After unknowingly consuming beer with high levels of alcohol, one should never try to pack for a trip the next day.

3. When packing after #1 and 2, if all one can think to pack is undies and a fez, don't worry. You will be able to buy electrical tape and a ukulele at your final destination. If you happen to forget this fact in a panic, just text Glinda. She'll remind you.

4. There is a distinct difference in drinking all night and having 4 hours of sleep when you are in college and doing the same in your thirties. This is why most people settle down and have kids. They have an excuse to avoid a horrible hangover.

5. No matter how much they claim to be conservative, San Diego is infinitely more moderate than anywhere in Texas.

6. Running in California feels like flying compared to humidity and pollutant saturated Houston.

7. Never tell people in an airport bar that it is your birthday. They will buy you shots and expect you to drink them. A good comeback, though, when they scream alcohol abuse as you walk away from 4 shots sitting on the bar--"No, I don't abuse alcohol. That's why I can walk away from it." (This is also another sign that you have reached your thirties).

8. Never work for a company that at your little bday party expects you to tell them 3 things about you that they don't know. I mean, wtf do you divulge? The best thing to do is make something up: "My aunt is a crossdresser who is addicted to chocolate covered ants." It shuts them up, and some more astute people enjoy the pun.

9. If you do work for a company like this and choose to divulge something true (like I did), make it something benign and then breathe a sigh of relief because they aren't listening to you anyway.

10. 33 year old boobs still have magnetism!

11. Kitty cats throw you the best parties ever.

12. Buon Appetito on Holcombe has phenomenal food.

13. Learning Chinese has made me start to forget Italian. This saddens me.

14. Always, always, always request a hard copy of an invitation to an event. Never rely on word of mouth. You'll end up wearing a slinky tank and black pants to a formal Shriner's military ball when you thought you were going to a club to hear her husband's band play.

15. If you leave your fez in San Diego, never fear. Someone will invite you to a Shriner's Ball for your birthday.

16. No one, NO ONE can give evil elevator stares like the wives of Shriners.

17. At some point in life, it's time to reassess footwear. At the Shriner's Ball, one woman fell and twisted her ankle dancing the fox trot. Another fell and cracked open her skull sending blood down her dress like Steven King's Carrie. And, well unrelated to footwear, another man had a heart attack, causing them to have to break open the $7400 defibrillator that was donated to the center. He lived, btw.

18. Apparently, if you see a shriner wearing big MC Hammer type pants and a little arabian outfit and a big scimitar, you are (women only, please) supposed to pull open his pants and drop in a few dollar bills for charity. I was requested to do so. I declined saying that I only carry plastic.

19. Never decline saying that you only carry plastic. Shriner, who is most always a politician running for office, will ask you to use plastic online to donate to his campaign.

20. The Volcano will not allow you in if your ID is expired or if you left it at home.

Mild Kimday for all. I was supposed to go out again last night, but my tonsils kept me down. As it is right now, I'm taking a break from sleeping. Back to sleep now.

Still the size of a Brazil Nut

So my tonsils never went down, despite the allergy medication from the doc. And I've actually felt pretty run down for a few weeks, keeping Kimday pretty low key. Yesterday, I came home from work and felt the urgent need to take a nap. Crashed on the bed, woke up 4 hours later, and couldn't swallow. It felt like someone was slicing my throat apart.

Knocked out with Nyquil and wriggled my way into a doctor's appointment (really, it is a pain in the ass to get into a doc office), and a throat scraping later, I've got tonsillitis. Yippee.

So the Kimday posts will have to wait because I am too zonked to write. I've got my Odawalla and my Zpack and my FuFu Bunny (all staples for an illness), and I'm crawling into bed as soon as I hit publish post.

Pinenut, also the name of a city

OMG, my left tonsil is the size of a freakin' Brazil nut! I guess the exhaustion after the 8 mile run was not the goblins breaking loose ahead of time but instead the pathogens. I slept all day yesterday, and I could've done so today had I not spent the ENTIRE day on the phone trying to find a doc.

My doc, in my old 'hood, is off on Mondays. Actually, she's off on Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays, but who's counting. God, I need to be a doctor. So I'm scrounging around trying to find a doc that is 1)on my insurance plan and 2) somewhere in Stepford--er--I mean Clear Lake. The first person I called is not practicing right now because she is under disciplinary action by the board of medicine. Would I like to make an appointment for the future? Um, NO.

The second person looked fine on paper until I called and the receptionist said, "Hello, Geriatric Ward." Um, NO.

So then I start going even further down the BCBS PPO list: 1) Let's see, um, Doc U? Oh right, that's the idiot who was convinced I had a venereal disease while she gave me a pelvic bc she was concerned about an abnormal amount of lube in my nether regions. Turns out she forgot she had already applied the KY Jelly, and her PA had to remind her. Then she starts laughing and snorts right in my crotch. NO THANK YOU. 2) Doc P, oh right. That's the BITCH who called me obese when I "ballooned" up to a size 8 during my "I hate working in public schools" phase.

So then I call Doc somebody or other. I was on the phone listening to Josh Groban's greatest hits for 15 minutes without talking to a single human. I finally hung up, went to Chinese class, bought last minute crap for my marathon, and drank a cappuccino before calling her back. I drove from Montrose to Clear Lake on hold listening to Beethoven's greatest hits--still no human. Finally, I made it home, called again, made dinner, cleaned out my purse, fed my cats, and unpacked a box (no I'm not finished unpacking) while listening to yanni's greatest hits, when finally I got a human. She told me that out of 16 doctors in what I call an assembly line clinic, no one could see me for 2 weeks. She actually tried to make me an appt for 2 weeks from now. I said, "Lady, my tonsil is swollen the size of a Brazil nut...[insert explanation to the lady as to exactly how large a Brazil nut is]...and it's patched with something white which can't be something good I'm thinking, and I'm not waiting to see how much larger it can get. I don't need open heart surgery. I don't need an enema even. I just need someone to scrape my throat with a little popsicle stick and give me some antibiotics. 10 min max." Her answer: "I'll call you back."

20 min later, she called me back, and I have an appointment with someone who is not a doctor and might actually be a worker from the ice cream store down the street, but nevertheless, she'll see me and after I sign paperwork saying it's ok for a non-doc to give me antibiotics, I can see her.

What is wrong with this picture? I can call and get a pizza delivered within 15 minutes. I can get a hair appointment from hair magic Paul, a hot commodity, the same day. When I call my dentist, I can get in within 5 minutes, and she's the only one working. My cats can get in to see the vet within 20 minutes of me calling. Why can't I get in to see a doctor? Do I need to start randomly making monthly appointments just in case I am sick? WTF?