Whole lotta crazy, the Houston edition
G just wrote about her last Denver outing, describing the girl that sat next to me last night at Puburbs (the other suburban bar that is not bizarro catbirds). Seriously, this girl had to be that girl's sister.
But let me begin with setting the stage. Puburbs (name changed to protect the drunken teachers who imbibe there every Friday) is actually a nice bar. We used to meet there once a month, and now it has somehow turned into once a week. The number of patrons has also increased from 3 to 13. Word gets around. This increased attendance poses a tiny problem: it is no longer our retreat away from crazy. Now the crazies come party with us.
Let's start with Crazy #1. C1 reminds me of this guy I used to work with who stalked me regularly--stalked me to the point that he actually sold his condo and moved a street away from me. I used to hide under my desk with the lights off at lunch, so that he thought I had left. Well, 2 weeks ago, I made the mistake of having an offhanded convo with C1, and now he thinks we should date. He brews his own beer, and I just wanted to hear about the process. Somehow, that translated into: "I want to have your babies and dress in a Princess Leia costume while you brew beer and write code." This was not my intent.
C1 is a starer. He is bald with dark eyebrows, somehow making the stares much more spine chilling. He'll ask you a question and then stare at you, and it's the kind of stare that lets you know that he is in no way listening to what you are saying. And he's persistent. If you walk to the other side of the table, he will follow you and pull up a chair, squeezing in next to you. It got so bad that when I went to the bathroom last night, my friend grabbed my purse and pulled up a chair next to her. HE SAT IN IT! Then when I came back, everyone was all squooshed up next to each other, and she says, Hey Kim, why don't you sit next to M________ (who will be C2). So I did.
C2 is actually a nice girl. She talks a lot and is much much more blunt than I could ever be. She reminds me of someone in a movie, but I can't place my finger on who it is. Ah yes, remember the sister in Notting Hill? She's the one who went into the loo with Julia Robert's character. Anyway, she reminds me of her but with long dark hair. So despite her frantic anxiety ridden chatter and frenetic movements, you kind of want to like her, but then she goes bat shit crazy on you.
I mentioned casually to my friend that we should invite another friend out with us sometime because I haven't seen her in awhile. Said friend is about to retire and was apparently C2's English teacher back in the day. That simple comment, not even made to C2, set her off on a tangent of unparalleled proportions. She gets so close to my face that her nose touches mine and screams, NOOOOOOOOOO. I keep backing my face up, and she keeps coming forward screaming. She goes off on this tirade about how my friend was the worst teacher in the world and singlehandedly caused all of the mental/emotional problems in her 25 year old life and was somehow inadvertently the reason she recklessly forgot to use a condom and had a kid "accidentally," thus ruining her life. This is all one sentence and is being screamed with unbelievable venom, plates flying everywhere, knives swirling around like a conductor's baton.
And I have to reiterate, that she's 1/2 inch from my face.
At this point, I can't even make sense out of her explosion, but she keeps going. Allegedly, my friend told her that she was an idiot and kicked her out of class repeatedly. Instead of going to the office, C2 went to the library everyday where she "expanded her repertoire of knowledge and became the well read person [she is] today." Then she starts rattling off an Alist of authors: Nietzsche, Machiavelli, Socrates, Plato...all of whom, she claims, made her who she is today. Oh, and she went to Rice. She was accepted into Harvard, but she went to Rice. People who are idiots don't get into Rice, she says. They don't get accepted into Harvard, she rants. OMG. She went on raving like a lunatic for a good 15 min. Finally, there was a reprieve, during which time I made the mistake of saying, "Sorry. didn't mean to bring up all of your scars." And she goes the fuck off again on another 15 min tirade. Unbelievable. This time it was about how she was a professional skateboarder before she accidentally had a kid and my friend probably wouldn't even believe in her for that either. Then she gets her red face closer to me and screams with furor: "I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE HER. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE HER. HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE HER." Her veins were vibrating in her head. I said, "Ok." and then she went of on #3. I didn't even listen to this one. I just grabbed my friend's Fin du Monde and poured some in my water glass (I wasn't drinking due to antibiotics) and sipped. Crazy bat shit nutso.
Then in one second, someone asks her an unrelated question allowing her to talk about how awesome she is, and she turns back into nice C2, the fluffy, featherheaded, lovable girl from Notting Hill. I felt thunderstruck.
So G, I felt your pain. Luckily I was not one on one with her.
But let me begin with setting the stage. Puburbs (name changed to protect the drunken teachers who imbibe there every Friday) is actually a nice bar. We used to meet there once a month, and now it has somehow turned into once a week. The number of patrons has also increased from 3 to 13. Word gets around. This increased attendance poses a tiny problem: it is no longer our retreat away from crazy. Now the crazies come party with us.
Let's start with Crazy #1. C1 reminds me of this guy I used to work with who stalked me regularly--stalked me to the point that he actually sold his condo and moved a street away from me. I used to hide under my desk with the lights off at lunch, so that he thought I had left. Well, 2 weeks ago, I made the mistake of having an offhanded convo with C1, and now he thinks we should date. He brews his own beer, and I just wanted to hear about the process. Somehow, that translated into: "I want to have your babies and dress in a Princess Leia costume while you brew beer and write code." This was not my intent.
C1 is a starer. He is bald with dark eyebrows, somehow making the stares much more spine chilling. He'll ask you a question and then stare at you, and it's the kind of stare that lets you know that he is in no way listening to what you are saying. And he's persistent. If you walk to the other side of the table, he will follow you and pull up a chair, squeezing in next to you. It got so bad that when I went to the bathroom last night, my friend grabbed my purse and pulled up a chair next to her. HE SAT IN IT! Then when I came back, everyone was all squooshed up next to each other, and she says, Hey Kim, why don't you sit next to M________ (who will be C2). So I did.
C2 is actually a nice girl. She talks a lot and is much much more blunt than I could ever be. She reminds me of someone in a movie, but I can't place my finger on who it is. Ah yes, remember the sister in Notting Hill? She's the one who went into the loo with Julia Robert's character. Anyway, she reminds me of her but with long dark hair. So despite her frantic anxiety ridden chatter and frenetic movements, you kind of want to like her, but then she goes bat shit crazy on you.
I mentioned casually to my friend that we should invite another friend out with us sometime because I haven't seen her in awhile. Said friend is about to retire and was apparently C2's English teacher back in the day. That simple comment, not even made to C2, set her off on a tangent of unparalleled proportions. She gets so close to my face that her nose touches mine and screams, NOOOOOOOOOO. I keep backing my face up, and she keeps coming forward screaming. She goes off on this tirade about how my friend was the worst teacher in the world and singlehandedly caused all of the mental/emotional problems in her 25 year old life and was somehow inadvertently the reason she recklessly forgot to use a condom and had a kid "accidentally," thus ruining her life. This is all one sentence and is being screamed with unbelievable venom, plates flying everywhere, knives swirling around like a conductor's baton.
And I have to reiterate, that she's 1/2 inch from my face.
At this point, I can't even make sense out of her explosion, but she keeps going. Allegedly, my friend told her that she was an idiot and kicked her out of class repeatedly. Instead of going to the office, C2 went to the library everyday where she "expanded her repertoire of knowledge and became the well read person [she is] today." Then she starts rattling off an Alist of authors: Nietzsche, Machiavelli, Socrates, Plato...all of whom, she claims, made her who she is today. Oh, and she went to Rice. She was accepted into Harvard, but she went to Rice. People who are idiots don't get into Rice, she says. They don't get accepted into Harvard, she rants. OMG. She went on raving like a lunatic for a good 15 min. Finally, there was a reprieve, during which time I made the mistake of saying, "Sorry. didn't mean to bring up all of your scars." And she goes the fuck off again on another 15 min tirade. Unbelievable. This time it was about how she was a professional skateboarder before she accidentally had a kid and my friend probably wouldn't even believe in her for that either. Then she gets her red face closer to me and screams with furor: "I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE HER. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE HER. HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE HER." Her veins were vibrating in her head. I said, "Ok." and then she went of on #3. I didn't even listen to this one. I just grabbed my friend's Fin du Monde and poured some in my water glass (I wasn't drinking due to antibiotics) and sipped. Crazy bat shit nutso.
Then in one second, someone asks her an unrelated question allowing her to talk about how awesome she is, and she turns back into nice C2, the fluffy, featherheaded, lovable girl from Notting Hill. I felt thunderstruck.
So G, I felt your pain. Luckily I was not one on one with her.
Labels: she's crazy
posted by Cranky at 10:50 AM
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