ok but

my new phone has a voice recorder, so I can totally leave messages for Diane on it.

Diane, never drink coffee that has been anywhere near a fish.

THAT'S MY NEW PHONE'S NAME--DIANE!!!!

YAY!!!

Estranged

1 uncle dies and the other has a stroke within a week of each other, and no one tells us about it until it's almost too late. What is with my family?

Slept for 12 hours yesterday and am still tired. And really, this Dolly rain needs to stop.

Murfle

Could someone please remind me that I am not 22 anymore. Stayed out all night last night. Running on Mountain Dew and no sleep. And the worst part is that this week is dance around, sing, and act crazy on stage week, not sit at your desk and pretend to work week.

Murfle.

Huh?

So the talk with the kids went well, but here's the weirdest question. A kid asked me, "Are you going to become a witch doctor?"

I'm trying to figure out where she got that from.

Set me free

Ok, I'm not sure what the hell is happening to me, but I'm becoming all maudlin all of a sudden. Generally, nothing makes me teary eyed except for ET and Rudy--oh, and Miracle chokes me up a bit. There's something about Al Michaels screaming with utter abandonment: "Do you believe in miracles?" that does it to me everytime. Still, not a big crier.

This week, though, I keep getting choked up. And the thing about it is, I've been getting choked up without the ability to cry, even though I'd let myself if I could. So I just sit there with this constant lump in my throat that makes me sound like I've got chronic laryngitis.

And it's the weird kind of maudlin, the kind that you get when you're not really sad but more overwhelmed to the point of paralysis with the changes happening in your life. So there's a reason behind it, but I still feel like some sort of teenager caught in the midst of a surging adolescence.

I'm leaving my job. This gets me choked up. Why? I haven't the slightest idea. I'm thinking it's exhaustion mostly, but there's more to it. Maybe I'm sick of switching jobs. Maybe I'm apprehensive of going back to school full time. Maybe I'll miss a few people, and I know I'll miss all the kids. Maybe it's because I have to tell so many people, and each time I'm forced to relive the emotions and carry a piece of theirs as they crumble from the news. And I'm not being hyperbolic here, folks. They are literally crumbling, which makes me wonder what sort of boundary issues I'm working with here.

I'm going to Lubbock. Jesus help me.

Part of it is that I've wanted a PhD since I was a kid, so this is sort of the beginning of a dream of sorts.

And then my car keeps breaking down. It's been in and out of the shop 4 out of 5 days this week, and then last night, it whacked out again. The last thing you want breaking when you are having a post adolescence meltdown is your CAR!

The CP's farewell speech last night got me all choked up. In fact, it actually made me cry--a 3 tissue cry, I might add, and I don't think I've ever had to reach for 3 tissues. Now don't get a picture of me wailing or anything. It was a silent cry, but it was one of those where the waterworks just wouldn't stop, well, working.

I mean, seriously, get a grip, Cranky. Go back to your cantankerous self. It's just your PhD. I dunno. I just feel like I'm at a turning point of some sort, and there's no going back, and I'm not sure what the hell that means.

OH and the DREAMS! Jeez, the anxiety dreams. Last night, it was all about someone stealing my friend's identity which somehow affected my identity, and I was confined to one room of my apartment until they figured it out. And what did I do in that dream? I cried about not being able to run. So bizarre. And it had chicken in it. I keep dreaming about chickens.

I sort of feel like Simon: "Is this what madness feels like?"

Ok, have to go tell the kids I'm leaving. I dread this, esp bc the only memory I have about telling the kids I was leaving in the last place I worked was of them holding onto my legs as I tried to walk out of the door. That was just heartbreaking. I hope this one goes better.

Diane, I need you

...and I'm holding in my hands a small box of chocolate bunnies.

I'm in serious need of some Twin Peaks, STAT!

And I need some coffee, black as midnight on a moonless night.

The Longest Yard

Seriously, most jobs I've worked in required me to turn in a 2 week notice and then bolt. This week is just kicking my ass. I have to write a letter to personnel (and when I say letter, I really mean a work of literary repute), and then I have to present it tonight at the Board of Directors meeting. Then we have Q&A time where I answer why it is that I'm leaving, etc. Then, I begin telling people on my team, and finally, I draft a letter to the parents of all the kids telling them I'm leaving. Oh wait, and then I tell the kids personally. Longest week in history, and it is brutal. I am so emotionally wasted.

Luckily, I've been able to watch the CP who is about 3 weeks ahead of me in quitting, so I know what to expect. Man. Seriously, I've never done anything like this. Where are all of my peeps when I need them to take me to the Davenport???

Still here--streaming in consciousness

I've been sans internet access (save work internet) and no time to do wifi. Ah no excuses, I've just been lost in space.

So I'm back for today and hope to write less sporadically in the future.

What's happened since April? Well, I don't remember. Another trip to lubbock. An acceptance of their offer (much to Glinda's chagrin), drinking, testing of the little formula (half your age + 7 or maybe + 5 or 6), and drinking, and yeah... Seriously, tho, G, I'm one of 4 people accepted for the year. How can you refuse?

There's been some nights spent at bowling alleys, too, and that's odd, especially since I realized that my talent at being the air hockey champion in church camp has not diminished (now I win at double puck), but mostly I'm reading Chinese at wine bars and eating free nachos courtesy of the barely 20somethings who eek under the formula (or don't quite). I'm training for a marathon again, and I look hot, and that's about it.

So the work for Jesus is ending (much to Glinda's happiness) and the PhD pilgrimage begins. The cool news is that my assistantship involves starting a trauma research center from the ground up which I am UBER excited about.

In other news, the fence rider fell off the fence and then flipped back over to the other side, the chicken shit that he is. The song stuck continually on both of our Ipods: Gravity. I'm a big girl, CP, just tell me!

And finally, I've found a new addiction to Firefly, pushing me further into the Dork Forest. Fucking awesome show.

OH and Glinda: Houston is about to install or erect, rather, some new 150 icons. Thought you'd be interested. Lubbock doesn't even have those. 150 foot tumbleweeds, maybe...