Yo momma is so funny...

Just added a new link to my sidebar. Cracks me up almost as much as this does.

If I could do it with a straight face

I would so lobby for us to present our dissertaton research in this format.

Is it just me, or did Marty the Landlord do it first?

Holy Eskimo Boots, Batman!

Are those damned boots really $300?! Oh my god!

Ok, now that's fucking funny!

LOL!

Finding Funny--Day 1

Yep. Nope. Nuttin'.

Nothing was funny. I saw strange things, but they just irritated me. People, for example, assume that because I wear a leather jacket, I must be in some sort of female motorcycle gang. This made me chuckle once, but when I heard it 3 more times today, I became irritated. Example 2, I would laugh at the undergrads wearing track shorts, hoodies, and Uggs. It would make me laugh except that I couldn't find but a handful who weren't wearing them. It's 39 degrees outside, sure, but track shorts and eskimo boots? You've got to be kidding me.

And for all of you who think I am just a negative Nelly, I made it a point to notice something good about the LBK today. The skies are unparalled. Truly, they are beautiful.

Ah well. There's always day 2. Back to my midterm studies.

Today's random funnies

When being told by my hr manager that the new study leave policy has changed from 2 weeks to 1, I say, "Well, I don't think it's fair that my contract states 2, and now you're taking one away." Her response: "We're not taking it away; we're just changing the policy." Me: What is 2-1? Her: 1. Me: You're taking it away. Her: No, we're just changing the policy. Me: I had 2. I'm left with 1. Subtraction. Minus. TAKE AWAY!

Arrived at my second job to teach. Every time I go there, someone says, "Ah, you're that new English teacher." It happened again. WTF?

Teaching about denotation and connoation. Student mentions the word, w00t. Another student asks what it means, and I define it. First student says: "It's so cool to have a teacher that's as nerdy as us!" [Not sure how to take that].

Assistant dean comes into my classroom in the middle of the first hour. Says that the students are needed in the common area ASAP. We all file out. IT'S FOR A FUCKING DRAWING FOR A $10 GAS CARD. WTF?????

Gotta go. Family Guy Star Wars episode on.

but on another note

The place I work has 5 videos entitled The Godmen, The Godmen 2, Gods and New Ages, The Door to Satan, and some other one on cults. WTF?

The Satan one is freakin' hilarious, and there's a sister one to that, but I can't remember the title. I'll look it up tomorrow. It's got this picture that is indescribable. I've got to scan it and post tomorrow.

random thought while running

Every single place I've ever worked since graduating from college has been an acronym. That is very weird.

random funnies 2

no, i'm not e.e. cummings; my keyboard still won't type capital letters. here are the random funnies for the day

• today i arrived at work from vacation to a picture of me on my door with the copy, 'looking for something more?'; also in my office were random scary ass puppets [these kind] and a ransom note for my 'runaway' plant explaining that it left due to neglect and abuse. this prompted me to hang one of the puppets from the ceiling of my coworker's office, hangman's style. redfaced, he explained to me that it would scar children to see it. yeah, well it scarred me to see them sitting in my office chair.
• bumper sticker on a jeep in front of me on my commute to work read, 'i have a perfect body. it's in the trunk and is starting to smell.' so many things funny about that bumper sticker
• having some sort of reading disability today. out of the corner of my eye, i saw the words fitness pedometer and interpreted them as fitness protection program. i guess this is where i'll go if i don't finish the marathon
• lol--because of my trauma with the puppets earlier, i typed in creepy puppets on you tube and came up with this which reminds me of harlan pepper from best in show

i guess that's it for now, but i'm fervently searching for some good joel osteen imitations online. sadly, everyone loves him.

just to make me laugh

I've been cracking up the past few days to random lines from movies, songs, and TV. I'm not sure what cracks me up about them except for the sheer randomness or cheesiness, and I think that from now on, when someone engages me in a conversation that is absolutely pointless, I am going to just respond with one of these lines:

• "I ain't no talkin' building, Rock." (Rocky Balboa) .
• "I like The Money Pit. That is my answer to your question." (The Family Guy)
• "You get to talk to a pretty girl" (The Tubes)
• anything with the words "Major Tom" in it
• "Thank God for model trains" (A Mighty Wind)

That's all the ones from today. So in the future, when I'm talking to you, and you make some ridiculous suggestion or ask me a pointless question, instead of telling you that I "hate your ass face", I'm just going to say: "I got off that boat with nothing but a dancer's belt and a tube of Chapstick" (Waiting for Guffman).

Random Funnies

• My cat, Cosette, runs like Dino from the Flintstones
• Saturday, I was eating dinner at this great little Mexican place when the guy next to me, who looked like Ben Stiller as the orderly in Happy Gilmore, made this noise which sounded uncannily like a wookiee. I mean, it had the echoey timbre and everything. Truly, it was the weirdest thing, and he didn't mean to do it. I think he was actually yawning. SFV, you should take lessons from this guy.
• Again abused my educator status to get some free coffee and percentages off of things at Borders. The two books I wanted are still in hardback, and I can't bring myself to get them even with the discount. So I bought one book and CDs instead: Breaking Benjamin, Andrea Bocelli, and the nonfiction account of a Chinese adoption, Forever Lily (appropos bc it is written from the perspective of the nonadopting guest of the adopting parents, and I am going to be that person in the summer). I get to the front desk, and the Borders employee rings me up, stares at me, then stares back at my purchase and back at me saying, "That's a purchase in polarities." Just think if I had actually bought the Pynchon book in hardcover...

Ok, I need coffee now.

The $1700 blog entry--prelude

What a night--a night warranting an advil and one of my special smoothie concoctions (works even better than Vault: soymilk, fresh OJ, and frozen cranberries) this morning.

It started off as any other night. I, in need of a night out for once (this new job has me working late most nights), said, "Edge, let's go to the symphony in the park." Well, our state birds, Los Mosquitos, kept that from happening, so we opted for dinner and a movie instead. Here in TX, you can have dinner and a movie in one place, thanks to Harlows, so we went there for dinner. Actually, I was pleasantly surprised with the food, and the mashed potatoes were nummy.

It had been a long day, so I added a Mai Tai with dinner, even though I've cheated enough this week. You have to cheat when you sit in meetings all day, and they bring in lunch to keep you there longer. Great Mai Tai and really big and strong (I like 'em big and strong) but the service--not so great. We missed our movie and any other movies we wanted to see at the 7ish time frame, so we had to wait until 9.

Well, I needed to go shopping for some items for a father's day project (for the kids) this weekend, so we decided to walk a mile or so up to the nearest Walgreens. We've gone about a 1/4 mile when out of the sky appears the little black cloud that is always over Eeyore's head. Damn thing pours on us and seems to follow us everywhere we walk. The funny thing is that the rest of the skies are perfect.

We make it back to Harlows, soaked. The valet guys give us glares, as do all the people in the restaurant. And then, as I'm trying to make my way to the bar through an odd sea of people, some 1970s game show host steps in front of me (Edgy just walks by to the bar, unnoticed):
"HEY!"
Um, hey?
"What? You don't remember me? It's David, remember?"
[blank stare]
"I can't believe you don't remember me! Julia, right?"
[blank stare]
"Oh, sorry, I thought you were Julia, one of our members. You look just like her."
Um, yeah, I am Julia; I just go by Jules, more often. Um, yeah, so open bar right?
"Yeah, and free food, too. Help yourself. And Katie's assigned to you so let her know if you want to make any arrangements."
[blank stare]
"With any of the other singles."
Riiight. yeah, ok. Well, thanks, David. Sorry I didn't recognize you right off. I was a little discombobulated with the sudden rain and all and plus, are you working out?
"Why yes, I am, actually."
Yeah, that's what I thought. Well, I'm gonna make my way to the bar now. Thanks a lot.
[I walk to the bar, thousands of hungry eyes following me. ] This should be fun, I thought.

At the risk of offending the Warrior

This pic was on Yahoo when I was trying to log on to my email. Made me laugh.

Be afraid

Um...yeah.