Flipper Sagewind

The title of this post corresponds to my wouldbe porn name. According to Glinda, to determine your name, you put your 1st pet's name with the name of the 1st street you lived on. Flipper Sagewind, folks. Watch for her.

The down and dirty on the weekend:

Friday night was spent at a very dramatic Astros game, going into the 11th inning with a cycle by Luuuuuuuuuke Scott. I avoided the cotton candy and the nachos (my 2 favorite ballpark vices) but couldn't escape the lure of the margarita by the yard. Tasty.

Saturday was spent with Gordie for her bday--pedicures, massages, bath junkie, brunch, and an egg cream at 59 diner. Blissful. Saturday night was spent working and taking Edgy's car to the shop due to a lugnut mishap better left unsaid. Then we headed out to 2 parties, one in Kingwood with way too much BBQ to pass up and red velvet cake with homemade icing (containing a stick of butter!). Then off to the 2nd party, an Aggie that Edgy works with. This party was complete with a game of washers (regulation rules and using $300 baseball dirt--aggies are weird). Lots of beer and 7 layer dip.

Sunday I felt like ass, but got my ass ass up and led the children. Then it was lunch with 2shirts and home to try to load my mp3 player (finally) and then out for a nasty mojito with Glinda, Jesus, Stacey, 2shirts, Edgy, and Jake. After that, we went over to the Harp for some beer and darts, and then to Titus Andronicus at the Miller Outdoor. A bottle of wine and a bottle of OFF later, and I didn't even notice the mosquito who happened to find the one place where my OFF wasn't ON. That's right, Tootie G was violated, damn the low rise pants. I now have a pink welt right above my pube line! Bastard.

Barnyard Baptist

Or in this case Episcopalian. Interesting view on hell. The funny thing is that when I looked at the picture (and remember this is 9 am precoffee) I was thinking, "I don't see any goats--or sheep for that matter--OH! I get it!" Yes, and Cranky teaches the children!

You might also want to check out her latest post. My favorite line: "There's preaching and sin and a scripture face off and snake handling." Also, check out the actual Jesus Pill site. I love how the description links Flannery O'Connor, Bob Fosse, and CCR together on a road trip.

Llama Llama Duck

Talk about people with free time on their hands. Remember this song? Well kewlio liked it enough to spell out the lyrics for us all. Llama Llama Duck!

No wonder my ass is falling off

Due to the obnoxious diet...er...I mean change in lifestyle eating I'm on, I've lost weight--enough weight, apparently, that TwoShirts lives in fear that I might lose my ass. This fear, of course, resides in the hearts of all the woodland creatures who used to take cover under my awning ass during thunderstorms. They've torn down the rain forests and now my ass is gone. Where is the shelter for the wee creatures of the forest?

I digress. Anyway, now I understand why it is that my ass is disappearing. Re-read this post. It's because I didn't send that fucking butterfly email. I'd better check my family's inner thighs for mustaches.

I feel like a Big Headed Boob

Of course you all know the Big Headed Baby, and Glinda's seen the head, but now I feel a little guilty because I just ran into the neighbors, had a little chit chat, and talked about BHB. Well, BHB gave me a big hug (sweet kid) and then she almost fell out of her shoes. Her mom says, "Yeah, those shoes are a little big for her." I said, "Well, they won't be for long. She's growing by leaps and bounds. I can't believe how tall she's gotten." Mom says, "Yeah, but she has big feet." Then Dad speaks up, very loudly, "Yep. Big feet. Big HEAD."

I almost swallowed my gum.

Or do I?

I'm not one for corsets, but I might try this one on.

My cat has asthma

Mia is one of the lucky 1% of the feline population who has asthma. Now I can join the Feline Asthma Support Group.

I have a migraine.

Oh and...

that crazy "My new mom eats the sun" episode of Wife Swap replayed tonight. I missed it. Damnit.

Rorschach Radio?

I have to wonder if the "mishears" of popular songs actually say something about our personality. For example, "revved up like a Deuce" will forever sound like "wrapped up llike a douche" to me. Similarly, I will always hear "She wore electric boobs; her ma has two" instead of "she wore electric boots; a mohair suit" and I have no idea what the Filter song says, but it sounds like "Waco my ice cream. Waco my ice cream." I think it's awake on my airplane, but whatever.

Really, the inkblot tests take a benign picture and twist them into glimpses into our psyches. Don't you think the mishears must do the same thing?

Freaky Deaky

I'm sort of bombarded with weird things lately. The Jehovah's Witnesses are just going crazy on my doorstep (almost stalking) and then reading weird things about the laughing church and the cult in Plano and then thinknig about how I was in Waco for the cult thing and then press about scientology and then at work they're having a person come do a seminar on cults. Today, though, I get a flyer on my door for Dahn Yoga Centers. Having thought about taking yoga recently instead of the yoga in my livingroom stuff I do everyday, I started to leaf through it, but as I picked up the pamphlet, I got a chill throughout my whole body.

Now I've learned to listen to these chills, but I thought that maybe I'm nuts on this one (ok, so maybe I haven't learned to listen without questioning), so I leaf through it. More chills.

So I go online. The site doesn't come up--technical problems--so I type it in google. What comes up is an obscure review of the center. Now I'm intrigued bc cults fascinate me in the same way that people who pierce themselves in odd places and people who have strange phobias and other disorders do. I'm also fascinated with paranormal things. So I look at the two mentioned websites. Dude. WTF? I mean this moondoggie guy, Hasaan, complains about the high prices of these cults, but he's willing to decultify you for $100. He has AA on here.

Freakin weird, and now I'm deleting all my cookies in fear of someone tracking me. I'm turning conspiracy theorist! :o) Dude, I can't even pick a yoga class without weirdness. WTF?

I don't get it

Today I'm at a Mexican Restaurant, eating peacefully alone, when two women/girls walk in. Picture white trash, 22. Why did I listen in on their conversation? Because it was SO FREAKING LOUD! Truly, I had some difficulty understanding them at first, but once I put on my Luann Platter filter, I got it.

The gist of the story went like this:

Yee-eh-uh, Ah just about plum near deecided that ah just ain't puttin' up wid it no more.
Uh-huh
Ya know?
Uh-huh.
Well, ah mean, he ain't havin no thoughts about me or the kids not anytime. lahk yestuhday when I say, whatchu do wid duh tin dollahs I gives yew yestuhday? He say, I spent tit. I say, where. He say, at duh Jack in duh box. I say, you don spent the tin dollahs I gives yew on duh jack in duh box? how's me and your kid gonna eat when you be eatin out all the time?

[here I'm thinking, um, aren't you and luann #2 eating out right now? ]

uh huh
well, ahm just gonna leeve him
uh huh
ah am. ahm gonnna leave him, i mean not divorce or nuttin but ahm just gonna leeeve so that he can understant what its lahk not havin a wife around da house and stuff. ya know.
uh huh. i hear ya
i mean he ain't never knowed waht it's lahk to haffta take care of da kid when she sleeps all da time and do the bills and stuff and he needs to understand what it's lahk so ahm gonna give him a year to figure it out and then maybe we can get back together i mean it ain't lahk the last time he left me when ah had to buy formula and diapers and shit, ya know. it will be hard but not that hard
uh huh. now she eat what you eat so that ain't bad
yeah. that's what ahm gonna do and his momma, da one thats lives wid us, she can do his bills from now on and den I don havta listen to him complain about me talkin to some man when ahm out. I mean, I'm just talkin. and he gets all upset bc ahm talkin to some man with da kid in the other room. ah mean, she's sleepin. what am ah sposed to do?

At this point I left, but wtf?

My birthday

I have found where we're going for Crankyday.

Armageddon is here, my friends

Glinda's gone pro bono for Jesus. Ask her about it.

To be fair

Two Shirts sent me the link to the CNN broadcast last night that I watched sans sound at a bar. I mean, yes, at least he's not promoting guilt, and I am sorry about his daughter, but it's still cultish to me. It's the Beatles' phenomenon, that mass contagious hysteria, only he's convincing them to laugh instead of scream and cry.

At least it isn't as harmful as this church.
There was a better story in last month's D magazine on the actual church and his misogynistic viewpoints, including his "right" to take another man's wife.

I mean, laugh man's only crime is making their bellies hurt from laughter, but it's still disturbing to me--one step away from snake dancing.

Then again, I'd rather watch the Warrior laugh than scream nonsensical syllables.

Will the Warrior be there?

What is with these people? I am particularly repulsed by the heap of people stacked on top of one another like a death heap, followed by the man with money all over him. Plus, the music...are you kidding me?

He's actually in Dallas this weekend.

If only the birds knew this before they shat on me

Like a bird, you seem to have the ability to defy gravity lately. You're acting with the expansiveness that comes from having a wide-ranging, high-in-the-sky view of life. Sometimes you remind me of a thunderbird, which among Native Americans was a mythical raptor that carried messages between spiritual beings. Its eyes unleashed lightning and its enormous wings beat so hard that they spawned storms. But sometimes, Scorpio, you're more like a nightingale--a small, graceful songbird that sings beautiful, complicated songs at night when no other bird is singing. Congratulations on your versatility. Only you could pull off being half-thunderbird and half-nightingale.

Tainted and Pimpin'

I looked down at my tires today to check the tread, and I noticed they are Warrior brand. I rock!

Hitchcock's Revenge

I don't get it. Edgyoriginally got bombed by a bird. Then Praxis88 was hit. Then I was shat upon while walking up the steps to my apartment. This weekend, however, Edgy got splattered by a seagull right in the head. And now, Glinda sends me a text message that she has been almost hit by birdshit.

What is with these birds?