Names

I'm reminded of a quote from Office Space: "There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys."

Yeah, well I googled my nickname, and most of the entries are, in fact, from me; however, someone out there has the name crankykim and is in prison. Just for the record--NOT ME.

This one is me, however, and I got cheered for it. Ah, the best part of that story was that the reason I etched my initials (and the reason 2 other friends etched theirs) was bc my parents wouldn't pay for me to have an engraved brick outside the new building. We called our area the poor Baylor student area.

Pay no attention to my 43 places account, however; I quickly lost interest in maintaining it.

Cranky's Bizarro World

Has the world gone mad? Is everything topsy turvy?

• Praxis throws shyness to the wind, flirting with gorgeous women in his office building.
• Bonniebell lets two Scorpions entice her into drinking Crown, which causes her to throw her lipsmackers to the wind and lay the smackdown on some girls with "uberbutch" flair
• Glinda and I have switched places, with her having to do food and panty checks on me during a breakup
• 2shirts is at a museum in Canada. Canada?! A museum?! 2shirts?! No beer?!
• I, the organic foods only freak, am living on a diet consisting of pez, starbursts, and chips and salsa. Don't worry-- if I open up a can of Spaghetti Os and franks and eat it with a fork straight out of a can with a side of Mountain Dew, you know I've gone to the dysthymic place of no return. Pez is just a symptom of working through the blues .
  
• Gordie, the whining queen of failed dysfunctional relationships tells me, "Don't worry. There are worse things in the world than being single. At least you aren't lying in a hospital on a ventilator like my mom."
  

And to top it off, I'm living the life of Bridget Jones, though I am certainly not as pathetic and ridiculous as she (at least I hope not). Still, I'm being invited to dinner parties, right and left, surrounded by happily marrieds who kindly remind me that my ovaries are soon to run out of eggs and that my uterus may fall out on the curb while I do my nightly run if I don't get something implanted it in quickly. Another fun stat: "Don't forget, Bridg...er, I mean Kim, that a woman is more likely to get hit by a car after the age of 35 than to get married, so you've got 3 more years. You'd better stop playing around and snag you a husband." Or the uberbest--I get invited to parties where they have these dreadfully boring men or boys, whichever the case may be, who live with their mothers, drive Audis, wear geek chic glasses atop their shaved, balding heads; said boys are there solely to meet me, the recently dumped woman whose uterus is falling out. They crowd around me, completely unaware of subtlety, probing me like I'm on a job interview, trying to figure out if I'm worth their time, money, and sperm, I suppose (none of which I want from them).

What the hell? I haven't been single for more than a week since 1994, and that my friends, was a bad year. I was 19 then, but I don't remember single life being quite like this. Has it changed? Is it bc I'm thirtysomething? Is it because I'm single in wretched Pewston?

Oh and then there are the older friends who counsel me about appearance: perhaps you shouldn't show so much cleavage when you go out (I have no breasts; how can I show cleavage???). Perhaps you should wear something cuter or plainer or tighter or more demure or more slutty or more this or more that--dichotomies everywhere. And then, when I emerge from my room in a nice turtleneck, slim jeans, boots, and my only true friend (my leather jacket), they gasp: "OMG, did he turn you into a lesbian????" At this point, I wish that Bonniebell were present to lay the glitter and gloss smackdown on them with her fairy wand.

And the Christmas presents from friends range from "Who needs him" self help books to facial rejuvenation certificates to help get rid of the apparently large wrinkles all over my face. I must look like fucking Quasimodo.

Where are my normal friends, off in other places reading this blog. Thank you, normal friends, for being, well, normal. But to the rest:

Bizarro Crank has decided that the rest can all go to hell, and I am going to show my nonexistent boobs if I want and wear a leather studded collar if I want (no Glinda, I don't want to; it's just a hyperbole for effect) and Cranky is emerging into the world as a freakin drop dead gorgeous, uberfeisty, highly intelligent woman who is about to whoopass on anyone who crosses her, so BACK OFF!

Ok, I feel better now. I'm cranky, and that is certainly not Bizarro. I have returned from the land of Htrae and am back to normal again. Aaaaah...

One Night Only

Went to the movies tonight to see Dreamgirls. Best movie of the season, by far. Phenomenal! Not only was the music fantastic, but I lusted after the costumes, the makeup, the fabulous wigs, and the SHOES!!!! AAAA the shoes!!!!

But the power behind those voices, especially Jennifer Hudson! Wow! Girl can SING! Oh, this one scene when she sings And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going, the entire audience in the theater clapped. I was almost moved to tears by the passion behind her voice. Beyonce also has a song in there that was riveting, but nothing compares to Hudson. Unbelievable movie. Jamie Foxx, even Eddie Murphy--top notch! It was just indescribable.

And it, more than ever, makes me want to be a Supreme! That's my goal for January. I want to be a Supreme, and don't tell me it's too late!

Ok, having difficulty formulating thoughts because I'm listening to my new Cat Power CD. The CP turned me onto this woman, and I bought her album, The Covers Record. Hypnotizing.

...and she's back!

Well, the buzz of Christmas is over. It was an amusement park of a holiday this year. Lots of hours spent at work, many hours spent processing with and about Edgy, family antics of Griswald proportions...what a ride!

Highlights include:

• Singing in a choir--I didn't realize, cheesy as it is, how much I missed it
• Looking absolutely stunning in my dress for Christmas. Eat your heart out, single men!
  
• my father's prayer before dinner--huddled around the pool table cum serving table, we held hands like angels while Dad made apologies to God on behalf of the entire world for, among other things, changing Christmas to "holidays", for the killing going on in Bethlehem, for electing liberals to government positions, etc. I timed it. 5 min and 45 seconds of apologies.
• holding my cousin's 5 month old, 16 LB baby girl. My arms ached holding the little cutie.
  
• getting a lego yoda pen
• getting my first leather jacket EVER, which reminds me of a story (doesn't everything?): when my college suitemate, Em, got her first leather jacket, she walked around campus with a new air about her, an air she called, "the bad girl syndrome." Suddenly, the self-proclaimed doormat transformed into a Pink Lady, swigging Tequilla like it was a wine cooler (mainly because she didn't know the difference) and taking risks like...touching an elevator sign that I ripped off to put over my bed or like only studying for 5 hours for a test instead of 5 days!!!! Yes, her halo tilted a little, which caused me to chide her unmercifully. Well, Em, I feel the power now. I feel the pull to the dark side that leather gives. When I put that jacket on, soft leather brushing my skin as I button the unimaginably difficult buttons to button, I feel a rush of power and vitality, the conflict within me, and immediately want to straddle a Harley and ride with an evil gleam in my eye screaming . Now I just need some new boots. Glinda, wanna go shopping when you get back?
• [trying to come down from the high of thinking about my leather jacket]...ok, yeah, where was I? Oh yeah, highlights, um...a candlelight service on Christmas Eve, one of my favorite things to do. I love darkness and candles, especially in a church bc of the Gothic effect and the simplicity of it. Reminds me of Notre Dame cathedral--[sigh] gorgeous.
• Leaving the Christmas Eve service ravenous and stopping by the only place open at 1:30 AM on a holiday, the godless Jack in the Box. Ordered my first "real" hamburger since March. Not really worth it, I don't think. Mayo--blecch! And then came home to put on my kitty cat PJs and fluffy socks and curl up with some egg nog.
  
• Christmas day breakfast with Edgy's wonderful family. They gave me a 300 disc CD changer, which I gave to Edgy. Sad.
• Movie Christmas Day--awful! The Holiday, don't go see it unless you want to find out if it is possible for Cameron Diaz to be a worse actress than she was in her previous movie. Trust me, she is. I hate to be mean like that, but romantic comedies are just not her niche or something. Plus, I was biased bc I wanted to go see Rocky, but no one will see it with me.
  
• A stop by Hollywood rendered me 2 other movie pleasures: Pirates of the Caribbean and Talladega Nights, the latter giving me a couple of chuckles, and the former being incredible! Thank God for a truly feisty (not just sexy feisty) female protag.
• 26th--NO WORK!!! I had a wee bit of a head cold, which is still lingering. Spent most of the morning in bed, and then went in the evening to a birthday party/holiday shindig at a friend's where I played games on a Wii (I HAVE TO HAVE ONE!!!), at way too much feta cheese (adding to my head cold), drank a $45 bottle of wine (yummers), and had Fannie May chocolate directly from Chicago! Evening ended with another trip to Hollywood, where I got Little Miss Sunshine and slept through it. Not that it wasn't a good movie, but I think the cheese hit me (or the wine, maybe).
• Today no work again, which is a little unnerving bc I'm not sure what to do with myself. Think I'll go for a walk and then go see Dreamgirls with a friend...or check my work email...
  

Christmas Meme

1. Hot Chocolate or Egg Nog?
egg nog

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
under the tree

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
Unfortunately, there are no lights on my house; the lights on the tree vary with the theme I choose for the year

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
No, if I want a kiss, I just steal it.

5. When do you put your decorations up?
the day after Thanksgiving

6. What is your favorite holiday dish?
Um...the family sweet potato recipe

7. Favorite Holiday memory?
Walking into my playroom as a child to see a glowing dollhouse in the corner. It was Barbie sized and took up half the room, built from an overhead perspective. In fact, it was modeled after my childhood home, complete with working lights, stereos, an ice maker with little ice cubes in it, curtains and bed spreads made by my grandma. The whole house was built by hand by my grandpa and was AMAZING! He also built me a toy chest on stilts that I called my castle. I spent many a day in that castle, touching the ceiling with my toes and daydreaming!

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
A friend told me about the toothfairy, and I sadly put it all together. It was one whambang letdown--every holiday destroyed before my very eyes.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
Yes, half of them; although this year, we opened all of them on Christmas Eve

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
with a theme. This year was peacocks.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
Love it.

12. Can you ice skate?
Yes, I'm not bad, actually. Took my first lessons at 27 in Chicago.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
Yes, see above dollhouse description.

14. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
Not big on holiday desserts. If I had to pick, I'd say pumpkin pie.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Well, we've broken all traditions now, really. We used to do some philanthropic thing as a family, which I loved to do. Also, we always lit advent wreaths and did the Advent calendar ritual, which I loved. I still get PJs for Christmas every year, and we see a movie on Christmas Day as a family.

17. What tops your tree?This year was peacock feathers

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
Giving, especially when I get to watch people open presents. I LOVE watching people open presents!

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
O Come, O Come Emmanuel

20. Candy canes, Yuck or Yum?
Yummy!

Alone

Today is the first day I've felt alone in a long time. I vowed I wasn't going to babble endlessly about my sad life right now on this blog (though it is named Lugubrious, so I guess here's as good a place as any). Still, who wants to hear about it, you know?

Anyway, I've been working late nights to try to keep myself busy this past week since Edgy and I became defunct and tonight, though I worked until 8:30, I got home way earlier than I have been--home to silence, darkness--no one to call; no one to come over.

Edgy called. He's at a new bar, the Firkin and Phoenix, with MY friends. I guess they are our friends, but it's sad that all sides have gone with him, solely bc they have penises. Says he just wanted to tell me how great it was. He's drunk and happy, enjoying life, while I'm at home typing sad blog posts and listening to The Messiah (Handel's--no, God's not even talking to me right now).

Ah, the good doc just sent me an IM asking me out to Blur. See, I can't stay lugubrious for long, right??? :o)

End of the Year Reflection

I haven't posted bc, well, bc my life is in utter upheaval right now. So, here's a meme bc a meme is all I can muster.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before?

Visited New Mexico; saw Lakewood church; ate at the Pigstand

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Yes, I made peace with my boobs in October.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my cousin.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes, my godfather.

5. What countries did you visit?

none this year [sigh]

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?

the ability to ignore my parents

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory?

Jan 21--first day to visit new job; June 1--first day to start new job; Nov 2 the start of Kimday; Nov 6--the real Kimday; Dec 12--I don't want to talk about; Dec 18--ditto

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

finding my niche

9. What was your biggest failure?

being so compassionate that I enabled someone who should've learned to take care of himself

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

no

11. What was the best thing you bought?

organic food

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Um, the purple princess. She's always a reason to celebrate.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

various politicians; people in the news; people on TV

14. Where did most of your money go?

food

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

brainstorming for my job and getting my Hello Kitty water dispenser which is now at work; oh, and watching the Warrior

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2006?

The Kimday Experience--(Thanks, Praxis)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

happier or sadder? happier
thinner or fatter? thinner
richer or poorer? same

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

write in a journal so that i could remember these answers better

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

helping people out at my expense

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I don't even know

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?

don't talk on the phone much, so probably Edgy; texting would be Glinda and Praxis

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?

yes, sadly

23. How many one night stands in this last year?

none

24. What was your favorite TV program?

King of the Hill

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

no, I don't really hate anyone; my interim boss drives me batty, though

26. What was the best book(s) you read?

you know, I keep coming back to this stupid sci fi book about vampires on Mars. It was so poorly written, but I just devoured it. Sad, for an English major.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

That I miss music, greatly. If they mean my best musician discovery--Cat Power

28. What did you want and get?

a job I like

29. What did you want and not get?

the subject of the coaster in my pocket

30. What were your favorite films of this year?

V for Vendetta; X Men 3; For Your Consideration; Charlotte's Web

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

32--see previous posts for the Kimday experience

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

a trip to Europe again

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?

I'm not sure if I have a personal fashion concept; I've grown fond of shoes and skirts all of a sudden this year, and that's a first

34. What kept you sane?

texting, blogging, supportive coworkers and friends

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I'm not positive that I actually fancied anyone (said in my most perfect British accent)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

the fact that I actually wanted to vote this year and missed the deadline

37. Who did you miss?

my friends in Chicago

38. Who was the best new person you met?

the CP

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.

Everything will always work out

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?

"You're gonna make it after all"

Pockets

I never check my pockets before washing. In fact, I never check my pockets after washing because I never put anything in there. At least, I didn't think I did.

Today, I went to put something temporarily in the pockets of my jeans, and I pulled out a matted piece of paper, like a receipt but bigger, maybe a coaster??? Blurred blue ink had almost soaked through the paper, leaving nearly illegible lines of what appears to have been a poem I scribbled hurriedly. It's my writing, and I think I remember writing it now that I'm posting about it. Hmmm...well that's for me to remember.

Across a beer

Once
across a beer
you caught me
taking a swim in your eyes
bathing in their richness
until I emerged--
gasping
forever changed.

Match
not a mate
I know this
but my stomach lies with its ache
yearning to have you
embrace me
for an instant.

Integrity
keeps you distant
I know that
but once
across a beer
you caught me
and I caught you.

Sunday Seven--the Animal House edition

1. Do you send Christmas cards? If so, do you write any notes inside the Christmas card or include a "newsletter" about your family, or do you basically just sign your name? Yes, I send cards. Yes, I write notes. No, I am not together enough to put together a newsletter. Read my blog.
2. Are you more likely to shop in a store that has returned the phrase, "Merry Christmas" to its holiday signage? I don't notice holiday signage
3. Do you buy your pets Christmas presents? Of course.
4. Take the quiz: Are you more cat or dog?
50% dog; 50% cat
5. Which have you owned more of during your life, cats or dogs? gerbils
6. If you had to come back as one or the other, and assuming you'd belong to an owner who would treat you well, would you rather be a cat or a dog? a peacock
7. Name up to seven of your favorite items to eat in a seafood restaurant.
gumbo, etouffee, salmon, shrimp, lump crab meat, mashed potatoes, dessert

OMG

Gluttony! Pure gluttony!

• Lemondrop martini and a way too nice Syrah
  
• Shrimp gumbo
• Pan roasted salmon with smoked salmon sausage and smoked salmon yukon gold mashed potatoes and snap peas with porcini mushrooms
  
• creme brulee the size of my head
  

Oh God. I'm distended and filled with a stupor unparalleled.

This is Mark's.

Ah, a little Xmas love from the '80s

Yes, everyone's favorite forearm flapper

Plus JJ Jackson and Martha Quinn wishing us all a Merry Christmas!

A whole list of WTF???

• I know I'm probably late seeing this one, but Ha! Great parody of the original.
  
• Red pill or blue pill?
• I don't even know what to say on this one?
  
• Wanna be llamaducks.
• This guy's whole collection

Live Long and Support Your Local Hobbits

This is, um, yeah.