A tame new year

Sadly, I won't have anything exciting to post about tomorrow because due to the flu, I am having a tame new year this year. I've spent the last 3 days in bed or on my couch and haven't seen or felt daylight. You know that feeling when you've been doing burnouts, and you are just about to drop the weights from exhaustion? That's how my entire body feels.

Tonight I'm going to try to go out to dinner and then will toast Dick Clark with a shot of Nyquil. Cheers all!

Huh

37 people checked out my blog yesterday. Who are you people?

Merry Christmas! I just got off work, and it's off to the land of nod for me.

Morning before xmas

Twas the morning before xmas
and all through my house
not a creature was stirring
except my cats and their mouse.

The stockings were packed
in their boxes this year
Because this xmas season
I'm up to my rear.

And Radford was snuggled
all down in his den
Meaning Dylan was king
of the complex again.

With eggnog in hand,
and no one to toast
I'd just settled down
for a little blog post.

When on my computer
there arose such a clatter
I clicked on my email
to see what was the matter.

Someone had sent me
themselves in disguise
as an elf of dear Santa
with big bulging eyes.

Chuckling a little
I turned to my blog
Scrolling through the year's post
to see what I've logged.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a gamut of stories--not so bad of a year!

In January, for instance,
I headed to Philly
with Praxis and Y arms
climbing steps willy nilly.

And the rest of the year
in the cranky hall of fame
I'll shorten and simply
list them by name:

Damn Catbirds, OUT CP, and what's with Texas shabbats?
Dreams of aliens, hippos, McSteamy, and marmots.
Goodbye G, Hello running, Chinese and the burbs
Kimday, Lubbock, Fence Rider, and Bizarro Catbirds

Not as wild as last year
but who's keeping track?
At least I have finally
come to terms with my "rack."

Don Eduardo remains happy
He's had a great run (no pun intended)
but for 2008
I'm accepting my buns

And this poem could go on
but I'm into brevity
Happy xmas to all
or at least "wine up" like me!

The marmot is not the issue

The armadillo is. Unlike the marmot, Dylan is live and well and has usurped Radford's hiding place by my garage. I came home tonight hoping to see Radford (who has been hiding for about 3 weeks now), and there was little Dylan, trekking across the parking lot from the bushes.

I like Dylan. I hope to become better friends with Dylan, but he better not have run Radford and Regina off. I'll be pretty pissed.

Swooney from Sweeney

Johnny Depp, Tim Burton, and Helena--what more could you want? Add a dash of the 1979 musical, a gallon or 20 of blood, and Bedlam...well, you got yourself a nice little meat pie of a movie.

Just got back from a free advance screening of Sweeney Todd. The plot, well, it's predictable, but visually, the movie is just stunning. Only Burton could make blood this sexy.

I won't give any spoilers, but it is a must see. Burton is at his best with making the macabre beautiful, and while the music is a bit off-putting in its sweetness, I wouldn't have it any other way, now that I think about it. It's one of those movies that you appreciate more as you reflect upon it.

And yes, G, as in nearly every Tim Burton flick, there are lots of heaving, corsetted bosoms.

Don't look at the fat ass losers and freaks. You look at MEEEEEEE!!!!

Ah, gotta love Best in Show.

Praxis, the man for his time and place, came down to sunny Houston as one of the legs of his Snowbird Vacation. There was much walking, naming nuts, kareoke singing, marmot sighting, and Lebowski viewing. We also ate bbq where, right in the middle of Sunday football, the bar was broadcasting pro bowling and a dog show. And yes, Prax visited Bizarro Catbirds, where we meet with Twoshirts and Goldie and changed the lyrics to songs.

BC is really starting to have some problems. Half the place was closed down. My favorite bartender was not there. It took them 35 min to figure out how to make an Irish Coffee or to not figure it out, actually, because I never got it. Apparently, it was "too much of an issue" or so the waitress said.

All in all, it was krunk, to use the parlance of our times.

So Praxis leaves with a mission in hand--Operation Marmot. It's top secret, so I can't reveal the contents. He also has Operation Robert Goulet, which involves posting about the aforementioned singer in a marmot coat singing Christmas carols. Post on, Praxis. Post on.

To Darth, the Catbirds apologist

He cuts off his Samson hair, and suddenly he thinks he's Perry Mason. Darth gave his great rebuttal: "Bizarro Catbirds is no Bizarro Catbirds." How's that for circular reasoning? Still, I will humor him and explain why Bizarro Catbirds remains so named.


Darth retort #1: The people don't compare. Yes, they do. Bizarro Catbirds is Bizarro because it is the suburban (opposite but equal)version of catbirds. Catbirds has urban skank. BC has suburban skank.

Darth retort #2: The atmosphere doesn't compare. Catbirds plays 1940's jazz. Bizarro Catbirds had a cover band playing Loverboy, Journey, and Toto! First of all, Catbirds plays a CD collection of 1940s and '50s jazz, and the dj doesn't even know who Ella Fitzgerald is. That proves my point. Catbirds tries to be a cool jazz bar but misses the beat, so to speak, and BC tries to be a live music venue and plays shitty '80s covers. Both sad.

Darth retort #3: The girls at Catbirds have tattoos all over. The majority of girls at Bizarro Catbirds have a tribal thingy on their lower back. And I've never seen so many fake breasts in my life! See my response to #1--that and I've never seen so many poser Emo people at Catbirds in my life.

Cranky concession #1--Yes, I am a psycho magnet

Above all, though, it's my damn blog, and I can give BC what ever pseudonym I want.

Smooches, Dark Lord.

bizarro catbirds defined

So Darth came down...

hold on--wait a minute--I just have to say that Glinda is a freak with her obsession with amputeeism.

Ok, so Darth came down to the burbs and visited Bizarro Catbirds. His comment was that it was "NO Bizarro Catbirds." Here's the thing: Darth loves Catbirds, so of course, nothing can compare. I don't. It's skanky, fights break out, freaky people reside there, and I just get snockered for no reason at Catbirds. Why? I'm not sure. The drinks are watered down. Perhaps it's because G and I usually went to Mo Mongs for cocktails before Catbirds and stumbled across the street already drunk. I dunno.

Bizarro, by definition, is the doppelganger of something. Bizarro Catbirds, then, is the perfect doppelganger of Catbirds for these reasons:

1. It is huge, but no one circulates. They just huddle together in whatever room they choose. Catbirds is a one room place where everyone huddles together.
2. The drinks are typically watered down. See above. An exception to this is when the bartender that likes you is there and gives you divine drinks.
3. It's skanky. Suburban skanky.
4. Catbirds clientele is representative of the misfits of the area. So is Bizarro Catbirds.
5. No matter what day or what time of the day, some fight will break out. Or some nutjob will talk to me, giving me much fuel for my blog. The best posts come out of Catbirds or Bizarro Catbirds.
6. The worst, unexplained hangovers of my life are from both places.
7. Both places have unbelievable bartenders who have a tendency to give me potent drinks for free--many, many potent drinks [ah, now I see the snockered connection]
8. Both places also have a tendency to produce a gem now and then, someone with whom I can have a genuine conversation. This is rarely the case.
9. Despite the new nonsmoking rule in Houston, I come out of both places smelling like a chimney. It takes 4 hair washings to get the soot out of my hair.
10. It's the place I hate and dread going (every morning after starts with "I'm never going there again), but for some unknown reason, I keep ending up there.

I hate Catbirds and Bizarro Catbirds. And Praxis will experience it this weekend.

Jingle Bells, Cranky Smells

Ugh, just ran the Houston Jingle Bell Run, a 5 mile trek down hilly Allen Parkway (the only elevation in Houston). We wore foam antlers and jingle bells, which were kind of cool in that they created this Santalike sleigh noise throughout that part of the city.

Otherwise, it was brutal. It is Dec 9, people! In no way should it be 80 degrees with 87% humidity. We hit a record high today EVER. OMG. I am sunburned. Seriously, it felt like it did when I was training at 5am in July. Today's run was at 2pm.

Whew! A shower (and 2 gallons of gatorade and a club sandwich) later, and I am a new woman.

But it was worth it to get this little souvenir. Christmas Card material!

Better late than never

Forgot to post this--I went to Bizarro Catbirds the other night, and some guy actually said this to me:

"Wow. You are like, gorgeous, I mean, wow, like, I mean, you are like, that face, that face is like, I would say angel but no, no, no, that doesn't cut it. You're more, you're more, you're like a VAMPIRE!"

Yep. That's me. Sexy vampire bitch. See, that's my problem. In high school, I trained under the Disney choreographers in dance, and one of my instructors said that talentwise, she'd recommend me to the Disney Dynasty (Mickey Mouse Club and all that) but that I'm just not All American enough--too exotic. Now I realize it's because I look like a fuckin' vampire!

Dance 10 Looks 3.

Why do I get myself into these messes?

So I went to the Megaloschool today to fill out new hire paperwork. Ok, I've already filled out a full application online, followed by a full app and background check in person, followed by another full app and background check online by an outside entity, and then today I went in to fill out new hire paperwork which consisted of a full app, a background check packet, a background check packet on my family of origin, a background check on any previous security clearances, an intellectual property clause, and a few other clauses in there for good measure. You think I'm kidding? I was there for 2 hours.

Then I got the syllabus. It is 95 pages long. The entire class I'm teaching is spelled out for me step by step. A monkey could do this job if he could pass the background check. They tried to convince me to take on a second class, but I told them that Thursdays from 6-10 was enough of a class for me. jesus!

and then it was time to meet with boob #2 who gave me a two page checklist of things we'd be going over. First of all, I have to check attendance every class period, four times a class period--EVERY HOUR! Secondly, I am responsible for calling any student who does not show up to class because teachers are ultimately responsible for their attendance. If your attendance levels drop below a certain level, you could be fired. They believe in a "customer satisfaction model" at this school, which means that the customer is always right and that it is our job as teachers to make sure that they are constantly satisfied. She told me that if students miss my class, it indicates to the big wigs at Megaloschool HQ that i must not be an exciting enough teacher.

She said that our bonuses are based upon the customer satisfaction survey each student gets at the end of class but that they hardly pass out bonuses bc they survey asks questions like, "Did your instructor give you a syllabus?" and the students can't remember what a syllabus is. The woman's suggestion: Remind your students everyday that you have handed them a syllabus.

She then told me that one of the students took a class there, made an A, signed up for the same class the next quarter, made an A, and then signed up again before they finally caught her. She didn't know she had already taken the class.

We are also expected to do everything possible to pass the students. Texas law prohibits students from getting credit for remedial classes, so since this school is private, they refuse to give any classes that don't count for credit. Therefore, these students have NEVER had a remedial course, can't write a sentence, and are taking comp 1 and 2. Sigh. And it is my responsibility to make sure they all pass.

The customer satisfaction model means that the students WILL pass as long as they don't miss class, so that means I just have to give them passing grades, I guess. jesus. where is this world coming to? No wonder we have such fuckwads running around this country.

So I've already given them my bloodtype and almost my firstborn, and I just sit there overwhelmed thinking, "Um, how do I get out of this mess?"

Why can't I just say FUCK YOU CRAZY BASTARDS and run the hell away?