San Antonio Shabbas

Sat Nov 4: I'm taking off work, so we'll head to the great city of San Antonio when we wake up. Who knows what will happen there, but it will involve Kubrick's bar, a search for Manhands, mojitos (if we can find that place again), a chocolate rim, Bonniebell showing beautiful women her tattoo while saying "Love me," and much fatuous frolicking. Hopefully there will be NO Elvises, but if there are, I'm hoping Edgy grabs a tire iron and screams, "This is what happens when you f*ck a stranger in the ass, Elvis." Then we'll do the usual, stumble around taintedly, the occassional flashback.

Did I mention that every single day of my bday, I'm wearing money pinned to my shirt? Hopefully I'll get enough to help defray the cost of hotel rooms.

Sun Nov 5: Tacos at Mi Tierra. Wandering around and then driving home, making sure to stop at Franks for the absolute best freakin coconut pie in the entire world. Sunday early eve, Houston, Glinda gets pulled back into the mix (unless Bonniebell can convince her to go to SA) for dinner somewhere to equally celebrate Cranky and Padawan's bdays. By this point, she has proven herself to become a Kimday Jedi.

At this point, the stranger tells me, The Praxis must go home, but the Praxis abides and will be ok going back to the CIA and all of its ridiculousness. I don't know bout you, but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there, the Praxis, takin' her easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. Welp, that about does her, wraps her all up. It was a purt good story, dontcha think?

Of course, Kimday abides because Nov 6, Monday, is the real Kimday, and Edgy will be taking me out somewhere fantastic (though he may not know that until he reads this post). Much obliged to those who're gonna spend the weekend with me.

Catch ya further down the trail. I'm off for a sarsaparilla.

Nobody f*cks with the Bell

Nov 3, Friday, continued:

After a nap to recover from the world of pain we put ourselves through, we head to Ralph's, which in this case is Specs, to get half and half, vodka and kahlua. Actually, I currently have all three, but who knows what will happen by Kimday. Party begins again at Glinda's. Drinking. Drinking. Maybe a little Logan's Run. And now, it's time for the train.

We take the train downtown to either Bossa or Cava Bistro. Both are divine. Eat. Then bar hop and hopefully run into the woman that pays me to smile. I need some cash, especially on Kimday. In fact, I think that this year, I'll pin money to my chest like all my students used to do. Can't hurt. Padawan, you may carry the bucket for overflowing cash, and I'll grant you 10% (just kidding, fellow scorpio sweetie. I'll give you 20).

And, if we're feeling like rollin', Palace Lanes has midnight madness unlimited people/lanes/games from 12-2 on Fridays.

At this point, Bonniebell is really pissed bc Glinda convinced her to get the tattoo the day before. She, wearing purple, sashays over and says, "Nobody f*cks with the Bell."

Tumblin tumbleweeds

Plan:

• Thurs Nov 2: The Praxis comes in, having rented a purple van from Avis. Immediately, we all head to the Devilport for not 1 but 2 drinks, which will subsequently knock us on our ass. At that point, we will all agree to have a third (only after eating veggie tamales from the sweet little lady that comes by--Two shirts will eat a whole pizza). After the third, we will wander aimlessly around the city looking for our car, singing songs from Grease, and end up at 59 diner for an egg cream. No one will pee on anyone's rug, but we will all end up completely OUT OF OUR ELEMENTS.
• Fri Nov 3: We awaken and stumble to Tapatia, where a brown eyed waitress will serve us pulpy OJ and damn good tacos. I, the multilinguist, will have to repeat my order twice because my Espanol stupifies the waitress. Glinda, will ensure that there are no flies near our table. Praxis will ask for a white Russian and will be handed a customer named Igor. Bonniebell will be ruing the day that she went to the Devilport bc she has "La Chunnel" tatooed on her hooha. Twoshirts and student (name changed to Bunny for the purposes of Kimday) won't make it bc they are still making out in the 59 diner. Kimday2 will pout, but we will buy her a bday taco, so she will be happy to follow in my shadow. I will train you, padawan. (ooo i like that: kimday padawan). Edgy will be...well, edgy.

Mark it 6, dude--the beginning

Nov 6. That's right, Kimday.

A stranger once told me about a fella, fella who called himself, The Praxis.

They call Houston "Clutch City"--what kind of clutch, I don't know. Camel Clutch maybe? I dunno but I'll allow as there are SOME nice folks there: Glinda, her angels, Kimday2, Edgy, Twoshirts, and of course, Cranky.

But I tell you what, after hearing the stranger's story about the stuppefyin' events that will unfold during the weekend of Kimday, I'd die with a smile on my face without feelin' like the good lord gypped me.

Now this story I'm about to unfold takes place in early November 2006. I'm talkin' about the Praxis here-- sometimes there's a man who, wal, he's the man for his time'n place, he fits right in there--and that's Praxis in Htown.

Edgy's back

He actually posted to his blog.

Round 2

Break out the CK Be because I'm about to have to Iron Sheik her ass again. Bring it on, beeyatch!

Split Pea soup anyone?

So dorksided.

Don't f*ck with the Vajesus

According to the "Which Big Lebowski character are you?" quiz:

Why don't you check it out? Or we cut off your Johnson!

Funny, though, on another quiz, I scored Smokey. I like maude better.

Does it make me psycho that the spelling errors on this quiz annoy the crap out of me?

What Type of Lunatic are You?

'Complete Psycho' PLEASE VOTE!!! Take this quiz!

Sunday Seven, the GODWARRIOR edition

1. You find out that you've just gotten a new job in a different state. Which room of your home will be the most difficult to get packed and why? Kitchen. I have an addiction to stemware, and I meticulously wrap each piece to keep from breaking.

2. Which room is most likely to contain the greatest number of items that you should throw away, but haven't, yet? Actually, I'm in the process of throwing everything away, but I would say my office because I have file cabinets full of shit that I haven't touched in years.

3. What is your single greatest strength and single greatest weakness if you were to enter the dating scene tomorrow? Strength: that I couldn't give a shit if I were dating or not; Weakness: that I couldn't give a shit if I were dating or not

4. Take the quiz: What are your dating strengths and weaknesses?

Dating Strengths	Dating Weaknesses
1. Spirituality - 92.3% 2. Financial Situation - 84.6% 3. Friendliness - 68.8% 4. Flirtiness - 62.5% 5. Appearance - 62.5%	1. Vanity - 66.7% 2. Pessimism - 50%

5. What's the biggest surprise from this quiz's findings? Nothing really, except that sprituality in the 90s makes me look like a GODWARRIOR!

6. Would you ever go out on a blind date with someone you'd met online if you'd never talked to them through any other method than email? Only if I was 19, living in the Baylor dorms, and spending 23 hours a day on Lambda Moo...um, I mean, NO, NEVER ;o)

7. Take a walk through your kitchen. Come up with at least seven appliances or electric gadgets that you'd hate to be without when you have kitchen duty for any reasonable length of time.

• Minichopper
• Crockpot
• Set of really good knives (wait that's not an electric gadget, but oh well)
  
• My espresso maker from Italy
• microwave rice cooker
  
• a gas stove
• veggie steamer

According to Bob and Bob, I'm a hurricane

So, as with every job I have, a consultant has come in to assess our personalities. We had to take a test, and now we know what element we are.

As with all of these tests, I'm not good at them. I take the damn things, and I'm always a little bit of everything. Everyone else is always one clear thing, and I'm this hodgepodge. It's like the Myers Briggs. I'm right in the middle on E and I, fully NF, and right in the middle on J and P. It's the same with the animal personality tests and the color tests, and even the career inventories where I'm well suited for everything.

No different on this one. Unfortunately, you can't take the test online. Your employer must pay for it.

My primary element (58 points) is wind with my secondary as water with 54 points. Fire and Earth aren't far behind, though, with 45 points apiece. I'm just one big planet. But for the purposes of our 5 hour workshop on this next Tuesday, I'm wind and water--one big f*in hurricane.

Ah well. C'est la vie. And now I must return to the presentation I'm giving tomorrow on the Mosaic Generation. I'm just down to the powerpoint, so it's almost done!

Who's the spindoctor?

It's me. It's me.

I rocked the conversation at lunch today--turned the tables and left them not knowing which way was up! I accredit it all to my Kate Hepburn officewear, the look I go for when I'm about to kick some verbal ass. Oh that and CKBe, the powerhouse fragrance. I only wear it when I'm about to Iron Sheik someone, verbally speaking.

Ah, but I must remain modest for the bitch is a worthy opponent, and though I won this round (in only 4 moves), I have not won the tournament. There are many more games to come (and I shall triumph over ALL--BWAAAHAAAHAAAHAA!

Take me out to the ballgame

Terrible week, only to get worse tomorrow when I'll have to deal with this bitch who used to do my job 100 years ago and is still hanging around trying to make my life miserable. She's a control freak and invited me out to lunch, but the real reason was because she invited people to lunch with me to corner me and try again to convince me to get a Bible degree. I've told her time and time again that I'm getting my doctorate and am not interested. It's like having lunch with bitchy Christian Amway people (remember those people in Wife Swap that confronted Jeannie?)

Long story short, she's conniving and underhanded, and I'm basically playing a game of chess with this woman.

But once it's done tomorrow, I get to take my free club level tickets to Minute Maid and kick back with a beer and some 'stros. Ah one, Ah two...(only Cubbies fans will get that reference).

Back from cowboyland

And too tired to think of what to write. Here's my mythological self.

You Are a Mermaid

You are a total daydreamer, and people tend to think you're flakier than you actually are. While your head is often in the clouds, you'll always come back to earth to help someone in need. Beyond being a caring person, you are also very intelligent and rational. You understand the connections of the universe better than almost anyone else.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

YeeHaw!

Off to Fort Worth!

Sunday Seven, the safewords edition

1. How do you feel about a National ID card to replace individual state driver's licenses? 666, what?

2. Where's the most embarrassing place you've ever fallen asleep? I don't think I've ever fallen asleep anywhere embarrassing

3. How long does it take you, when looking at someone for the first time, to determine whether or not you are really attracted to the person? depends on what you mean by attraction

4. Take the quiz: What kind of drunk are you?
Wild drunk

5. When is the last time you were really drunk? TwoShirts' party

6. What caused the condition? Red Headed Slut Double Shot, mojitos, and something I won for singing FUNKY WINKERBEAN!

7. Name up to seven Sunday cartoons from the comics section that you enjoy from time to time. Get Fuzzy, Luann, Pearls Before Swine, Rose is Rose, Cathy, Dilbert, Fox Trot--OH, AND FUNKY WINKERBEAN!!

I've got the Hottyz Vibe

Went shopping at Kroger for antihistamine today and came across a big rubber blond Luanne Hair wig. I've got the shirt; I've got the hair. Now all I have to do is find some red biking shorts, and I am all set for Halloween.

TwoShirts is 30!

TwoShirts celebrated his 30th in dorksided decadence in Austin this weekend. Edgy and I rang in his 30th anniversary with the student, Panchette, BCL and TS' cousin. Here are 30 highlights from the event:

1. Get to the hotel.
   
2. E and I work out, make out, nap out
3. CABLE!!!! (We don't have it at home); 36 hour marathon of The Jeffersons. I was in heaven! Watched for about 4 hours.
   
4. Dinner at Dona Emilias (which made Don Eduardo very very happy)--South American food at its finest. The staff was about 12 years old and a little snooty (told us we had to be out by 8), but the cuisine was phenomenal. E and I had the plantain crusted halibut; TS had steak and the most fantastic mashed potatoes (but I think that the Red Lion still tops them); the student had potato pancakes of sorts; BCL and Panchette had the crabcakes. I sampled them all, and they were all great. Top that off with 2 pitchers of mojitos and a chocolate torte with Amy's ice cream--yum!
5. From there, Panchette turns onto a couple of one way streets and then we jump out of a rolling car, but 5 of us made it to 6th street for a piano bar.
6. Piano Bar by numbers: 2--number of inches we sat away from the piano; 14--the number of times I was teased by the piano man for liking Barry Manilow (but he knew the words to all the songs); 43--the number of drinks we consumed together (unless you count the double red headed sluts as 2); 7--the number of little dirty secrets revealed to strangers by the student; 1--the number of times TS' cousin smiled
7. I won a singing contest, the final song being unfamiliar to me so I sang "Funky Winkerbean" for all the lyrics. What did I win? A giant all liquor blue concoction that burned the entire way down.
8. To hear the rest of the piano bar's events, you'll have to take me to dinner.
9. Cab Ride--this was like something off of Taxi Cab Confessions; If you want to hear more, you'll have to take me out for coffee after dinner. All I know is that we left that poor man a very good tip
   
10. Denny's--fork throwing, emotional outbursts, crying jags, uninhibited laughing--remember the party scene from Breakfast at Tiffany's? This was the sitting down version. For details, I need a cookie with my coffee, but not until this weekend because I'm on a detox until then
    
11. Finally, 3 of us are sobered up from some damn good greasy food. TS got a giant chicken fried steak. That could sober up anyone. Huevos con papas for me. That always does the trick.
    
12. Betty and the cousin had gone home long before Denny's, and the student, well, she's not quite sober yet. In fact, she's not quite just drunk yet. She's still on the sloshed side, so we walk over to the Exxon and pick up some water and gum.
13. We get to the hotel, and some maintenance man tells us we're too loud, so I ask him if he thinks that the big tree in front looks like Don King. He says yes. End of bitching.
14. James and I both notice that we left our toiletry bags in Houston, so off to Walmart to get toothbrushes. Two ghetto fab Austinites were in the "check yourself out" section buying 3 cases of strawberry soda, 4 or 5 cases of Little Debbies, 4 loaves of white bread, and a case of chicken ramen noodles. Methinks they had the munchies, especially since they were having a very tough time getting the ramens to ring up. WAWA!
    
15. Forgot toothpaste.
16. Next AM--E and I wake up at 7am to the alarm clock of yip yap dogs, screaming kids and domestic disputes.
    
17. Edgy, hungover, rolls over: "Oh god. I think the gorgyles got me."
18. After about 45 min of noise, we say f*Ck it and head off to the free breakfast buffet.
19. BACON!!!!
20. Call from TS--Um, can we borrow your toothpaste?
21. Lunch at the loudest, most "neonest" place in town. Sooooooo not good for hangovers.
22. Waiter had some issues. TS, "I think he's about to go Boyz in the Hood on our asses."
23. TS and student leave in search of the world's smallest Catholic Church
24. E and I head to the hills for hiking and hanging with BCL at her new place
25. TS and student arrive home; at this point E and I are still celebrating with margaritas and food at Z Tejas grill--crab stuffed chicken and fudge pie MMMMMM
    
26. Long urban hike down SoCo and great conversation
    
27. Crash at 8:30 watching If These Walls Could Talk on HGTV
28. Like clockwork: 7:30 am dog, kid, dispute alarm
29. Head to breakfast; Surrounded by mormons, all dressed alike, named Mercy and Miracle and Faithfulness, and Goody, and all the boys named John. All with the book of Mormon, laying hands on people and praying and singing. Even people sitting by themselves would just start singing to themselves. The head patriarch was preaching about how the leader in the news was getting a bad rap. Apparently there was some sort of convention or rally. I just wanted some bacon.
30. Coffee at a place with a sign that said "Caffeine Dealer." Hung out with BCL a bit and then home for the longest trip ever because E took a wrong turn, but it ended up all good because we found I-10 (told you we took a wrong turn), which led us to Franks, the home of the greatest coconut pie in 50 states.

That, my friends, was TS's 30th. More embarrassment to TS will only come with a food bribe.

Minibreak

Off to Austin on a minibreak for 2shirts' bday. Chaos will ensue, I'm sure. More later. Have a good weekend, kids.

PS. Glinda's angels, sorry I can't make it to the housewarming. Have a great time.

Friday Funnies, a recap of the week

Quotes:

Coworker: "Is Jesus the Way?"
Cranky: "The way to what?"

Twoshirts: "Dude, I've been meaning to ask you if that was Edgy cutting the really rank gas at the baseball game."
Cranky: "He thought it was you and then was worried that you thought it was him."
Twoshirts: "Dude, it was rank."

In discussion of postmodern youth/twentysomethings and how to keep them involved in the church, the story of Glinda's use of the word sucks and pimp out at her interview comes up. Coworker snickers, recovers, snickers into a laugh, recovers, snickers again. Then stops and says, "Yeah, that wouldn't work at a private college." Then under his breath, "Wonder if it would work in a sermon."

From "Movin' on Up" KOTH:
LUANNE: Do you mind if I just take a quick shower first? I smell like waitressing.
LUANNE: God only has ten rules, Uncle Hank, and His house is much bigger.
BILL: They must be city folk. I just whupped up a new batch of possum stew I'd be willin' to share with you -- don't worry, I took off the feet.
LUANNE (as Sir Reginald): They're not going to leave you a scrap, what what?
BOBBY: Guys can shave their legs too? That's very interesting.
HANK: Peggy!
PEGGY: Bobby!
BOBBY: Sorry, Dad.


Moments:

Glinda is telling me about a rubber duckie vibrator. Exhippie at Borders stares in amazement and then begins heaving in a silent guffaw and closes his book.

Comparing people to their dogs.

Ongoing bet between coworker and me to see who can get the most policies put in place by the powers at be after we've done something controversial. I'm ahead by one. He's hoping to pull ahead with a movie policy after showing V for Vendetta and The Big Lebowski at a small group discussion.

Belts, real and imagined: Pink or embroidered with Funky Winkerbean across the back.

Providing food for my hair stylists fingernail tapping fetish.

A shirt for TwoShirts: the gays love me

Buying season 4 of KOTH (See above)

Coined Words:

Javamulke
Theoloccino

Just checking

Your Career Personality: Independent, Insightful, and Ingenious

Your Ideal Careers: Architect Artist Business strategist College professor Computer programmer Mathematician Neurologist Philosopher Photographer Video game developer

The Quick and Dirty Career Test

The 12th level of hell

Look at the pollution forcast for Houston acc to weather.com

Houston

Unhealthy OZONE

Unhealthy OZONE

Oh well. I only have 761 more days of it.