Pasive Aggressive?

Yeah, so the big headed baby's parents always mess with things on our shared porch. First of all, they hate having the porch light on, so they always turn it off and then when I come home late from work, I can't see at all. Secondly, they put these stupid ass embroidered sofa pillows on our wooden porch furniture outside. Third, they decided to make jack o lanterns for Halloween, and they put the one above on MY side of the porch. The one on their side is perfectly stenciled.

Look at it!!!! It looks like they just let the BHB go willy nilly with a f*ckin knife!! You can see the ugly ass pillows in the background.

Thing is, I wouldn't normally complain, but last year at Halloween, they didn't like our pumpkin, so they hid it EVERYDAY behind a bush. Now they stick this monstrosity up. WTF??? Why can't yuppies just come out and spit in your face or start a fist fight? This is so much more annoying!!!

4 more days

Four more days until the Kimday Celebration begins and, coincidentally, when my 'great escape' countdown hits the 600s. Woohooo!!!

Busy weekend. Ran the festival, which was a hit. Today went to a movie, The Departed. Not the greatest of movies but decent. Also got a mani and a pedi, but now I have toelio again--seriously, folks, my fucking toes are swollen. I went to fuckin River Lateedah Oaks, but I guess that's not even good enough. WHERE DOES A WOMAN HAVE TO GO TO GET A DECENT PEDICURE!!!????

Now all communicado (btw, to correct those of you who feel that I should've put incommunicado on the blog post title, I'd like to say that ex=out of and communicado=communication; both together typically means excommunicated, and that's how I felt without all forms of technology--excommunicated. It was a play on words, but since i'm not fucking Shakespeare, no one catches it).

anyway, I've got a new phone and a new computer. And I'm tired, so here's the Sunday meme.

Name up to seven foods popular at fairs or carnivals that you either once loved or still do.

Cotton Candy
Funnel Cake
Caramel Apples
Anything on a stick
Snow Cones
Dippin Dots
Turkey Legs--though they completely gross me out, I get this strange atavistic thrill from gnawing on one; makes me feel like a neanderthal, and that's kind of sexy in a hairy, beastly, stupid sort of way.

Death becomes her

Ha ha ha. God, this made me laugh!

Ex Communicado

My phone is dead, and it's "OMG...your phone is like so, so, so old. It came out like 2 years ago. How do you use that thing" old, or so the little hipster at the Cingular store told me on the phone. So I can't find a charger for it because they don't make it anymore. This means, Cranky is about to get a new fangled phone for herself for Kimday.

So, if you are trying to reach me, I am not getting your texts or messages, and I can't check my messages because I don't know the vm phone # because it's in my phone.

Plus, my computer at home is dying and laying in pieces all over my floor, so I can't email either until I get to work where I am super busy until 11pm working on this crazy festival on Friday.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I NEED BEER!

---

Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com

Tuesday Meme

Grumblesnarfaloo.

1. Who is the last person who you spoke to by telephone? Chuck
2. Who is the last person you spoke to online? a woman in arizona who needs advice about how to run her children's program
3. Which of the two have you seen more in person? chuck
4. Take the quiz: How is your self-esteem?

You Have Low Self Esteem 20% of the Time

Which can be translated to mean, you have high self-esteem and a healthy sense of self worth. You believe in yourself, and you know how to be the real you. You love yourself, imperfections and all.

How is Your Self Esteem?

5. What is the longest period of time you have gone without internet service since you became a "regular user?" I don't think I've gone without

Are you oinking me?

The Kimday 2006 invites went out today. It's just a sketch, so be forewarned.

Also before I get a lot of flack for the Pig Stand thing: first of all, it's about time that we go. I want my Pig Stand experience; second, I want a picture with the pigs; third, just look what Out Smart has to say about it and then complain.

NEW! Pig Stand No. 7
2412 Washington Ave.
713/864-4041
Texas Pig Stands, Inc. is one of the oldest and most unusual restaurant chains in Texas. Located in the Old West End, Houston's Pig Stand No. 7 (there are eight across Texas, but only one remains in Houston) has served Houstonians since 1921. Pig Stands are famous for their chocolate shakes and Pig Sandwich Combo, a delicious barbecued pork sandwich served with french fries. Aurora, the Shirley MacLaine character in Larry McMurtrey novels, used to get cravings for a Pig Sandwich after an all-nighter; the Pig Stand on Washington even served as cover illustration for McMurtrey's Evening Star. Rivaling Baby Barnaby's on the weekend for gayest breakfast clientele, the Pig Stand's great diner breakfasts are served amid a charming "pig decor" by veteran battle-hardened waitresses who don't take any guff from anyone. A sign at the door reads "Arguing with a waitress is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you realize the pig enjoys it. $

I broke 1000

So, I've had 1009 hits on this site since August, according to the little map at the bottom of the page. Praxis, you and your cronies in the purple van are checking me out pretty often, as are the folks in Texas. What I have to wonder is, who is reading my stuff in Chicago? The dot is pretty big, but none of my Chitown friends ever comment!

On another note, just had coffee with Jake the Snake, Edgy, and Gordie. We talked of which peanuts characters were gay (I still maintain that Schroder was) and scared some folks away with our "out of control" conversations, or so they decided to tell us with eyes rolling backwards in their heads faster than a 1960s shock therapy patient. Best comment of the night goes to JTS, though. He was talking about my behavior when I eat cake or any other sugar product: "She's like one of those f*ckin little Yodalike muther f*ckers after you get them wet after midnight."

Riot!

Melloween

Ladies and Gents,

Though I wholeheartedly enjoyed the fact that I was able to sit down at one of my parties for once, I hope that Friday night's chilltivities are not an indicator of what's to come on Kimday. Don't get me wrong. I love mellow parties, and I enjoyed Friday night, but for Kimday, I want a rip roarin', fork throwin', hoohah showin', red headed slut slammin', hair of the dog mornin' 5 day party!

So tonight's highlights take a different form. Here goes.

You know it's a mellow party when:

• Someone is wearing red shoes, panties and fishnets, and people just say, "Hmm, I thought it was a leotard."
  
• Someone brings O'Douls to my party--COME ON! Granted, they tried to sneak it in with about 6 bottles of wine, which I appreciate, but COME ON!
  
• Death silently glides up the stairs, and people just continue with their conversations.
• Despite my bouffant and neon green halter top, people think I'm not wearing a costume.
• We watch King of the Hill, for God's sake. (My fault entirely, but I had to have it on so that people would know I was actually wearing a costume).
• None of the angels (nor Glinda) drink. Ok, not true. My padawan, like a good apprentice, was drinking damn good whiskey. But even she said she had one of those lovey dovey sweet kind of dates. Mellow city!
• Half the party goes home at 11, leaving poor V alone talking to a drunk boy
• someone asks if her cute gay boy friend can come over, and he never does
  
• The student stays sober!!!!

Of course, I can't be too hard on the party because there were a couple of drunken highlights:

• one person passed out
  
• one person had to walk home
• one person kept running around with a napkin on his head screaming, "Mark it 8, dude!" which prompted us to turn on The Big Lebowski
  
• one person came hammered already because he had been at the Montrose Beer and Gun Club where he ate country fried bacon (yes, bacon fried in batter) and a wild boar
• lots of ass slapping
• a pregnant woman taking shots and smoking (none of us knew she was pregnant until she left)
• someone holding my hand up in the air saying, "She's like a fire hose with the end cut off, just spinning out of control! Isn't she great? And her hair's cute, too!!!"
• too much ass slapping
• someone offering to let me f*ck him up the ass with a dildo
  

Bring it on, folks!

Tomorrow is the party, and I was going to worry about the noise we might make for the neighbors downstairs, only because I worry about the BHB's health.

BUT the folks downstairs are listening to some strange hillbilly folk music so loud that it is rattling my floor. And I mean some HILLBILLY folk music, bad singing, bad twang, weird tambourine and all.

Bring it on, and if the big headed baby cries, we'll just bring her upstairs with us.

La Chunnel

Bonniebell, you'd better hurry up and submit your hoohah!

Hair bands in Houston

Today was a wretched day at work. Wretched. I can't even get into the wretchedness because I just can't. I can't relive it.

But what I can do for you, my faithful blogging audience, is paint a picture of the funniest bar in Southeast Houston--no, scratch that, Clear lake.

First, however, I must paint a picture of idyllic Clear Lake. Think NASA people--engineers and their spouses who are either also engineers (the cool people) or are bubbleheaded, plastic faced women perpetually clad in tennis skirts or maternity tops, depending on their condition. Think chain restaurants and bars attached to ritzy hotels, where you moor your boat and then step up to the bar for a $15 well drink. Got the picture?

So I end a horrible day with dance class, where I just make a fool out of myself because 23 years of ballet does not an Irish dancer make. I meet up with the cool pastor at Finns. Now 2shirts knows this bar--it's across the street from his pad. I figure if the doubleshirted wonderboy likes it, then I will, too.

I walk in and sit at the bar, waiting for the CP. The Cards/Mets game is on. Score is 3 to 2, Cards favor, dominantly displayed on the screen. A man, exceedingly drunk at 9 pm, says to me, "Who's winning?" I say, "um...St louis, and point to the screen." He then says, "NO, who's winning?" Then I say, "you mean the series?" thinking that maybe he's not a complete idiot. He proved me wrong: "No, the game. Who's winning?" "Um...cards. St Louis." He then asks me to play pool, and I say, I'm waiting for someone, and he says, "Stop. Retract that. Done." Sad thing was that he was probably one of the more sober ones of the bar.

CP shows up. We talk shop for a bit. Crazy ass place. Then Kareoke starts. Lord help us all. Out of the chute first, my friends, steps up a man--and I don't mean just any old man, but this man was, well, how should I put it...um, he was C. C. Deville. In fact, he began by singing, "Every Rose Has it's Thorn." Here's the thing: I hear the beginning of it, but I'm at a table with my back to the stage. I look at CP's face, and he says, "Dear God, you...you...you have to turn around and look, Kim, omg, he's...he's...he's got the microphone. HE"S SLINGING THE MICROPHONE!" I turned around, and he had the microphone stand over his head and was swinging it in a circular motion. His voice--not so bad. His stance--just like a freakin hair band. knee cocked inward, skinny legs in latex. I was almost on the floor laughing.

Singer2--Lydia. Lydia is the only name I remember from the night because Lydia was SO BAD! Lydia likes to sing songs by Sinead O'Connor and Cher. Lydia truthfully sounded like Rosanne Barr singing the national anthem, only Lydia was serious. For this song, though, she sang Material Girl, as if she had never heard it before in her life. I've never heard anyone sing it quite like that.

Singer 3--Raul. Raul could sing ok, but Raul liked to rap better. Raul shouldn't rap.

Then we start the rotation over. DJ begs for other singers as he calls C. C. back up to the mike. That's when the intro to Home Sweet Home starts. Ok, now you can't really appreciate kareoke until you hear C. C. singing Crue and then midway through, he pulls out a pistol shaped lighter which sends off a bright red flare and then leaves a flame that he holds over his head, waving it back in forth, singing the chorus to himself. Each song, btw, he keeps getting closer and closer to the audience.

Lydia gets up again, and DJ asks Raul to sing a duet with her. It was the Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow song, and jeezalmighty, nothing could make my skin crawl worse. Truly, it was bad. So so so so so bad. For the record, in 3 hours, Lydia sang 6 times. All bad.

C. C. is back up again. This time, he sings another hair band song, but I can't remember what it was. The microphone stand swirling over his head mesmerized me.

Then a guy who is the spitting image of Trent Reznor, gets up and sings The Whipping Post. Not bad, actually. Odd song choice. His friends were in the back kicking each others' asses--men and women. No one seemed to care about the bloody faces they gave each other. Just another day at Finns.

I sang, and the waitress was enamored. I think she almost asked for my autograph...wait, she did, though it was on my bar tab. Still, though, she touched me funny, several times, and I think she wanted to take me home, lock me up in a cage, and make me sing to her. If I could just make people throw money at me for my voice! Wait they do that for my smile...hmmm...I could really use some things to my advantage. Note to self. The CP thought I did a good job, though he liked my "gravelly" tone, which I take as an insult, but he seemed to mean it as soulful and Melissa Etheridge like. CP used to sing in a band. He wouldn't sing kareoke. He sucks. After 2 cocktails, though, he was leafing through the book, so I think one more rum and coke would've prodded his ass up on the stage.

So, more bad kareoke, and then the DJ notes that Halloween is on a Tuesday, when they will be having Skareoke, which prompted the CP and me to both say at the same time, "As if tonight isn't scary enough."

Finns. What an odd little place. Skareoke anyone?

Remember when?

I typed in Kimday in Google, and found my highlights from last year. I love that Kimday comes up on Google. Notice Padawanday doesn't come up on Google, does it?? Hmmmm??? ;o)

Then I looked at all of Nov '05 and saw that 3 days after Kimday 2005, I saw the warrior for the very first time, thus starting a year of random texts, fuel for blog posts, and a birthday party.

Anyway, have to work tomorrow (my normal day off) so that I can be off on Friday to get ready for the Spook My Bar party. Speaking of which, and since the theme of this post is remembering when, do you remember the highlights from last year. I particularly like the last quote, proving again why G has her nickname!

Sunday Six

1. Take the quiz: How much sloth do you have?
31%--a little lazy but normally energetic and motivated.

2. Take the quiz: How much wrath do you have?
29%--sometimes you get angry but nothing out of the norm. Though you may wish someone harm, you'd never do anything about it. (see, I'm not really cranky)

3. Take the quiz: How much lust do you have?
48%--you're really a lustful person, but you do a good job of hiding it. You're friends would be surprised to know that you're secretly very wild! (are you surprised, friends?)

4. Take the quiz: How much envy do you have?
59%--you're an envious person, but only at times and in certain situations.
5. Take the quiz: How much pride do you have?
46%--you have your proud moments, but you're often ashamed of them. Don't be so hard on yourself.

6. Of these five sins, which quiz's response seemed most different from your real personality?
I was surprised by the sloth. I didn't think I was that lazy. Maybe I'm just in a lazy mood today bc of the rain.

Just for 2shirts

If you type Two Shirts into google, you come up with these guys.

And this is what you get when you type his name into images. And to think, he only turned up 27% gay on the quiz. I'd link to G's blog about the quiz, but now that she has her own site, I have no idea how to do that. It won't work.

Get Behind Me, Devilport

Why does it always sound like a good idea at the beginning?

Had Theology Pub last night at McElroys to begin with, and then somehow, after 1 drink, we got this crazy idea to take the cool pastor to the Devilport. Never a good idea.

First of all, aren't Long Island Iced Teas supposed to, in some way, resemble iced tea. I mean, shouldn't it be somewhat dark in color? Edgy's was as clear as gin. The CP got one, too, but his was at least caramel colored. Man, they do try to kill people there. I got the White One, which is like a Caucasian with hazelnut. 2shirts got the banana split, and the student got a dirty cajun (not Henri).

Conversation was good--about the day that imagination died, the day we became adults. I had problems with this discussion because I clearly have never had a defining moment when I was able to throw away imagination. I still talk to my stuffed bunnies in imaginary bunny language and can't throw things away easily because I worry that I'll hurt their feelings, so I guess I haven't grown up yet.

Pizza man comes by. Man, I wanted that pizza. So did 2shirts, but we resisted, and ordered a 2nd round of drinks. Should've gone for the pizza. The CP stuck with coke (wise move), Edgy had a manhattan, 2shirts had an apple martini, and the student had something to do with sex. I had one of those orange ones, so TAINTED!

Conversation continued about superheroes and education and Latin. Oh, and Metallica, which in my state, I couldn't remember the title or the track number for Holier than Thou. I was close, though, only one track off. The student broke a glass in the most graceful of arm flailings. Really, it was quite pretty. 2shirts came back, and the CP told him that the student had gotten mad at me and had flung it (as a joke but not knowing the whole fork incident). Wrong thing to say. Poor thing started apologizing again for the fork thing, and 2shirts' face was anything but happy. At this point, 2 shirts decides it's time to go, so they leave. The second he leaves, the pizza man comes back. i resist a whole pizza again, but pay another table a dollar just to get a slice. Man, that was the best cheap pizza ever, esp since that was the first slice of pizza I've had since March.

Phone rings--2shirts forgot to pay his tab. I'm tellin ya, the devilport is evil. He comes back and pays it, and then we stay for a little while, weld a goalpost out of stirring straws and play table football, and finally depart at 2, the CP saying that he had to be at work at 7am. Man, I wonder how he's faring right now bc I can barely type and am sipping my co cola energy soda.

Quotes of the night:

"I hate alcohol. You start out with an IQ in the 150s and end up as a stupid 120"
" I think a boob cake would be kind of fun to eat."
"If you cuss for a purpose, then it's not a sin. And that cuss, was definitely for a purpose."
"I live for making liquids come up people's noses. It's why I wish I could be a bartender and a pastor" (as Edgy laughs so hard his beer comes back up)
"Latin is a dead language. It's dead dead dead...yeah, dead."
"I think they should have a mister coming from the fish tank tv that spits water at people"
"If we [women] could just figure out how to pee in the same room together, we'd rule the world."

There were more, but it's taking me so long to type (And retype this) that I just have to stop my brain from thinking. Thinking hurts. the devilport hurts.

Speaking of the devilport, the Praxis has bought his plane ticket. He's on his way for Kimday!

...and you women, too

This guy is hilarious. I've watched all his videos, and he's my hero. I've got to get on You Tube. We're doing it! Kimday 2006! The year of Kim's boobs and You Tube! Well, not Kim's boobs on You Tube, but you know what I mean.

Look into my Crystal Ball

Again, I'm not working, so let's google people's nicknames and determine what they will be doing in 10 years, once we've all decided to grow up.

We'll start with Edgy. Edgy has his own bar named after him. Good for Edgy. Once they find out about Stinky Pete, though, those little bimbos will go running far far away.

Glinda "creates gated communities for the rabbits of Bunnybury and the paper dolls of Miss Cuttenclip." Isn't that nice? Oh, and she "seals off all of Oz from the Great Outside World for its security." She's like a little fascist dictator for the little creatures of the world.

the Praxis
leaves his agent position... er I mean "library" for the world of standardized testing. No purple van needed there, but you'll need a lot of White Russians to do that job.

Bonniebell
lives in a world of smackers and paints her hair in streaks with lip frosting and doesn't have defined teeth anymore. She has "fun and stuff" and listens to Hillary Duff and Kelly Clarkson on her pink iPod while texting people with "GTG [got to gloss!]. She plays with Cyber Dolls and writes quizzes like, "What is your world of fashion?" Mine, btw, is glamour girl.
She will only be saved from this pajama party world if she promises to tattoo her hoohah with La Chunnel

BTW, if you type in Glinda's angels on google images, you get a unicorn. That and an ad for Glinda's star connection. G, why are you always the unicorn?

Last but not least, if you type in Cranky in images, you get these wonderful pics. I couldn't choose one. But my future, my friends, is as editor in chief of the Cranky Literary Journal. A failed promise, for sure.

That's all I've got folks. Maybe I should put in the Sims. Hmmm...

Grumblesnarfaloo!

I'm in a mood today, a mood which does not involve doing any work whatsoever, so I've decided to give virtual presents to everyone on the Kimday list. Virtual here means that you don't actually get the presents bc I'm poor, but you can dream about them anyway.

To Bonniebell, for her seventh wonder.
For Glinda, bc of her love of the little people and milk trucks.
For the Praxis, I just can't choose.
For my padawan
(note the 2nd paragraph in the synopsis: Master Kim's padawan actually has a name)

TwoShirts-- for his gift, note the first ingredient.

For Edgy
And for Glinda's Angels, a dictionary inscription.

I heart the Sims

So I have this obsession that I try to stay away from, and that is playing The Sims. If I start playing, I will continue playing until my eyes turn bright red and I can't shut them anymore. Literally, I've missed meals trying to get my Sim to become a top executive. I even tried to understand their language. I'm like the Sims version of a Trekkie.

The biggest reason that I become obsessed is because I play Survivor with them, putting 8 in a house and killing them off one by one if they don't get promoted within a certain amount of time. Yes, I'm weird, and I know this. This is why I haven't played The Sims in almost a year. I even allowed several new versions to come out and didn't buy them. It was painful, but I was able to overcome the addiction.

Today, though, I came across (accidentally, I didn't search it out) some Sims' video clips on You Tube, and I laughed my ass off. Now I can combine my obsession with You Tube with my obsession with Sims. Beautiful.

Some of my favorites:

A little man on man action
Ah Shee Shee
I just don't know
A little public woohoo
Rocky Horror Anyone?
In time for Halloween

That's enough for now. Soon Soon!

The one election I care about

Man, I totally was going to vote in this election. I filled out the damn voter's registration card. I had it to mail, and I left it at work on Sunday.

Didn't go back to work until today. Worked all day until 8 when I had dance rehearsal, and what did I do? I left the damn thing sitting in my bag at work. Now, it's 11:56--4 min away from Oct 11, when I no longer can vote in this election.

Then i got excited bc I read Glinda's blog and thought, "Whohoo! I have one more day", but the website says I had to have it postmarked by the 10th.

Damnit! I suck. I"m pissed.

I am registered in Chicago right now, though, but that doesn't count for a Texas election, does it?

I heart Kimday!

I love Kimday because it is the one day when people of all races, all genders, all localities, all sexual orientations, and all religions can get together and celebrate one thing--the birth of Kim!

Kimday preparations officially begin after Oct 17. Glinda will be finished with her presentation, Bonniebell will have ordered and received her bedazzler, and we will all make a trip to Michaels for craft night to make official 2006 Kimday tees. I will provide martinis.

Also don't forget the official preKimday Halloween party on Oct 20. And the Kimday Irish jig dancing on Oct 21 when Kim is hungover and puking all over the stage!

Only 27 days till the real Kimday but 23 until the celebration begins!

Part 2--My Other Identity--Chicago

You say "Wanna go with?" when you mean "Do you want to come with me?" [I've stopped doing this now. Makes me kind of sad.]

You know what Kennedy, Dan Ryan, Eisenhower, Edens, and Bishop Ford, have in common and curse one of them daily. [Nah, just take the L]

You can name three or four extra taxes nobody else pays. [True, but at least the city is beautiful]

You know the difference between Richard J Daley and Richard M Daley. [yep]

You can use two or three Daleyisms in context. [nope]

You can imitate the Mayor's whine. [heh heh]

You think going to a Bears game in single digit temperatures with a wind off the lake (and freezing rain) is fun. [whiskey, lots of whiskey]

Da is a proper definite article. [Da Bears!]

You expect corruption in local politics. [always did]

You go to the Dells in the summer to get away from the other 20 thousand that followed you. [Da Dells]

You've been caught speeding in Wisconsin because you had Illinois plates. [escaped that one]

You guard your shoveled parking space with an old chair and unusable broom. [so true!]

You know why they call it "the Windy City." [yes, bc of the politicians originally, but it is very windy]

You know dead people who voted. [all the time]

You've never been to Springfield. [I have been, actually]

You know a good gyros joint. [yeah, on Clark St]

You know what Giordanos, Lou Malnati's, and Gino's have in common. [pizza, deep dish pizza]

You know exactly how many cars are "legally" allowed to turn left after the light turns red. [3]

You don't know which ethnic "fest" to choose on any given Summer weekend. [true, so many]

Your idea of relaxing and getting away from it all is Ravinia (with 10,000 others who have the same idea). [nothing like Ravinia, a bottle of wine, and an Italian Beef]

You can recite many of "The Blues Brothers" lines and know where they filmed certain scenes. [YES! YES! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST... I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT! --oh, and Dixie Square Mall]

You consider paying someone to watch your car at a sporting event as just another "city tax." [heh heh]

The "Living Room" is called the "front room" [fronch room actually]

You don't pronounce the "s" at the end of Illinois. You become irate at people who do [oh yeah, don't screw that one up]

You measure distance in minutes (especially "from the city"). And you swear everything is pretty much 15 minutes away [it is, especially if you take the L]

You refer to anything South of I-80 as "Southern Illinois" [Soooo true!]

You refer to Lake Michigan as "The Lake" [Da lake]

You refer to Chicago as "The City" [Da city]

"The Super Bowl" refers to one specific game in a series of 35 played in January of 1986 [Da Bears]

You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats the Packers! [F*ck the Packers!]

You buy "The Trib" [Da Trib, although I like da Sun Times better. It's easier for the commute bc it's in one piece]

You think 35 degrees is great weather to wash your car! [anytime is great weather for someone else to wash my car]

You know what goes on a Chicago Style Hot Dog [yes, onions, unnaturally green relish, peppers, tomatoes, and celery salt]

You know what Chicago Style Pizza REALLY is [mmmm LOU's butter crust!]

You understand what "lake-effect" means [snow and lots of it]

You know the difference between Amtrak and Metra, and know which station they end up at. You have ridden the "L" (Union station for Amtrak which takes you on long trips out; metra is the suburban train and has many little stations, and there is no reason to commute any other way but the L]

You can distinguish between the following area codes: 847,630,773,708, 312, & 815 [847 for north suburbs, 630 for south suburbs, 773 in the loop, 708 i don't know, 312 in the loop right in the center, and 815 is cell phone, I believe]

You respond to the question "Where are you from" with a side" example:"WEST SIDE", "SOUTH SIDE" or "NORTHSIDE." [NORTHSIDE!!!!]

You know what the phone number is to Empire Carpet! [588-2300 EMPIIIRE]

You wear gym shoes, not sneakers. [yes, gym shoes]

You think kicking it outside of White Castles parking lot, (79th and Stony Island) is the "Freak Nik" [mmmm white castle]

You have ever been to the Tiki Room lounge in Hyde Park [dey make a good white russian, da Tiki room]

You have made a special trip downtown because you had a craving for Garrett's caramel and cheese popcorn. [OMG, I've never actually gotten to taste it because the line is literally 3 miles long]

You drink at bars called "Bud on Tap" or "Milwaukee's Best" -- no names, just beer signs out front. [So true! Old Style is my favorite bar]

It's January and you see someone's kitchen chair in the street, and you know that if you're a responsible citizen and bring it back to the sidewalk you will be shot on sight [yes]

You live two miles from work and it takes you two hours to drive there [again, take the L]

You've paid $105 for towing, $30 for more than one "street cleaning" ticket, $58 for a city vehicle sticker, and $70 for a license plate sticker -- and chalk it all up to "neighborhood taxes." [paid every one but towing]

You pluralize grocery stores and retail chains: "I'm going to Jewels"; "I bought it at Targets"; "I couldn't find parking at Wal-Marts" [Jewels, yeah. The rest no]

You're not ashamed of wearing a big fur Russian hat, or a headsock with one hole in it, in public from November through March. [I'm not ashamed of wearing a big headed baby on my head if it will keep me warm]

Stealing a Meme

Today was the laziest day I've ever had. Seriously, I woke up at 10:30, fell back asleep until noon, ate a spoonful of almond butter, and fell back asleep until 5:30. This weekend was spent working my ass off nonstop, during which time I also had the chills and cold sweats. I think I'm trying to get sick.

So, today's blog is a stolen idea from the Praxis--in two parts. You know you're from Houston when...

You're on your way to work one February morning and suddenly you're trapped in a traffic jam caused by a chuck wagon and fifty horses -- with riders -- and you look around to see that everybody in the cars around you is wearing a cowboy hat. [this has never happened to me].

The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes. [4, usually].

If you want to be a snob about your grocery shopping, you can go to a Randall's Flagship, a Kroger Signature, a Rice Epicurean, an HEB Central Market to buy bread and milk (but you have to dress up!) [now you have to dress up to take your dog out for a shit around here].

You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees. [when do you actually turn the air off?]

You have a Roach Story: You opened your flatware drawer to find a roach the size of the Taco Bell chihuahua. He stood up and looked you in the eye. You closed the drawer, bought new flatware -- and stored it in the oven. [OMG, I have about 20 roach stories. They're immense. They fly. And you can't kill them. Raid only makes them foam and fly. I've even cut one in half with a raid can, and the front half flew at me. AAAAA. I hate them.AAAAAAAA].

The name "Bud Adams" makes people snarl, and "Bum Phillips" doesn't mean a bad screwdriver. [Bud Adams is a jagoff]

"Luv ya Blue" still makes you smile, even if you did run the Oilers out of town. {I have pictures of myself dressed up as an Oiler's cheerleader in 2nd grade. AND I still have my Luv Ya Blue Jacket].

You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth Wonder of the World. {Right after La Chunnel]

Your neighbor's Christmas yard decorations look like a re-creation of the gunfight at the OK Corral, complete with a ten-foot tree decorated with boots and cowboy hats, and a Santa Claus who looks a lot like Wyatt Earp.
[disturbing, but true.]

You know that "Dad gummit" has nothing to do with your father's failure to practice good dental hygiene. [I never knew anyone actually said those words until I started dating Edgy].

For a Chili Cookoff, you'll use anything from armadillo to frog's legs, but you know that the only GOOD chili is made with chopped -- not ground -- beef, and it has NO beans and NO tomatoes. [how about no beef and lots of beans and tomatoes, a bottle of beer, and a splash of sugar]

Society matrons of "a certain age" still sport big hair, and faces that have gone east, west, and north rather than south. [yeah, but I wouldn't limit them to a certain age. Just visit Clear lake.]

You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven't left the city limits. (During rush hour, you haven't left your neighborhood.) [and during a hurricane evac, you haven't moved at all]

You've never seen 45 in any condition other than under-construction -- and you've lived here for 20-30 years. [Or I-10 or 59 or 610]

If the humidity is below 90 percent, it's a good hair day. [never a good hair day here]

You see nothing unusual about an 80-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white pompadour toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams, "MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, EYE-witness news" into a television camera every night. [FREAK}

How about the fact that people drive in the middle of the lanes here, like PacMan, and change lanes with no indicator?

Hooray for the hoohahs

Not to drag this topic into the ground, but I have to give props to a feminist coworker (an oddity in my field) who confronted her boss about a sexist joke he made. It was a mild joke, something about 3 things men should know about women but no one knows what they are, but the joke was said in relation to something that got really fubared at work and no one knew what exactly was fubared.

Coworker confronted, and boss made a public apology but slid in the little "I do think we should all keep a lighthearted, humorous view about 'transgender' relations [his use of the word, not mine]."
The apology was made to all the women in the office, who immediately played the good ol girl and said, "ha ha ha. Oh, we thought it was funny. I mean, women are so silly and don't even know themselves what men should know about women. ha ha ha ha. " It was sickening, but I am proud of her for standing up.

At the "60 second apology meeting" (that's what he actually said to us when he called us together), I was stunned and didn't even know what to say, so I didn't say anything. I feel guilty over this because I should've said something like, No you should be sorry for being an ass. But I just sat there in awe that women said what they said.

Anyway, I've created a new award, the Hoohah award, for a woman who shows guts and stands up to the patriarchy. Coworker K, you receive the first Hoohah award!

And while we're on the subject of patriarchy, why is it that you can name your penis, but not your hoohah? BTW, if I did have a penis, according to the generator, its name would be The Bald Avenger.

That's pretty damn funny.

Hoo Ha Hoopla

The kitten rared her nasty little claws in the politest of ways, so I must amend my Kimday plans. The thing is, it's not the size of the hoo ha that made me choose the chunnel, it's because it's one of the Seven Wonders of the World. Nevertheless, we must always keep our pussy cats happy. BTW, in looking up names for a person's vag on Google, I came across this site. "It's not vagina; it's vajeeena." I love that a person with that name will be likable and musically inclined.

That said, I open the floor to new names/phrases for Bonniebell to tattoo above her Hoo Ha. My other suggestions:

• Bonniebell with a little flower to dot the i
  
• Miss Kitty
• Cindy Lou Hoo Ha
• Vagtacular
• I love Vajesus.
  
• Lip Smacker (A Bonnie Bell product)
  
• Princess
• Pom Pom's Princess
• Eurostar (another, more civilized name for the chunnel)
  

While we're on the subjects of hoo has, you can take a quiz to find out what type you are (people have way too much time). I'm pink tight (no chunnels here), but the illustration they gave really doesn't do me justice. ;o)

My soul looks like a MILF

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is in a very different place (both physically and mentally) from where you are right now. For you, falling in love is all about the adventure and uncertainty. You can only fall in love with someone who keeps you guessing.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Sunday Seven, the Kevin McHale edition

1. You're arranging to move. If money were no object, would you hire movers to come in and pack your belongings as well as drive them, or would you prefer to do the packing yourself? Ah, tough question. I'm pretty finicky about my stuff, particularly my kitchen stuff and my underwear, so I'd pack, but movers can move it all for me. Going away to Hawaii and coming back to a new, unpacked house would be nice, though.

2. Of the new shows that have premiered so far this season, which were you most looking forward to seeing? Um, I haven't watched any new shows this season, but I am pissed that they took off Mad About You reruns at 5:30

3. Did the show live up to your expectations? see above

4. Take the quiz: What type of lunatic are you?
We've established before with this quiz that I was a complete psycho. I'm still a little unnerved by my results, since Glinda turned out normal, and she nails people to walls. Am I that crazy?

5. What habit of yours would you say is the craziest? Apparently all of them since I'm a psycho, but I'd say the craziest would be that I not only alphabetize my DVDs, CDs, VHS tapes, and Books, but I have them categorized by genre. My closet is also organized by color and sleeve length or pants/skirt length. I also have a separate closet for formalwear. My shoes, though, have no order to them, which is why I can't ever find what I need.

6. What do you own more of: VHS Tapes, CDs, DVDs or Books? Since they are beautifully organized, I am completely certain that my books trump all.

7. Name your 7 favorite sports teams, and for the less sports-educated, be sure to indicate the sport with which they're associated.
Not in any particular order:
1. Chicago Cubbies (baseball--Nat League)
2. Houston Astros (baseball--also Nat league and in same div so that makes it tough to choose)
3. San Francisco 49ers (football)
4. Oakland As (baseball--American league)
5. Houston Rockets (basketball)
6. Chicago Blackhawks (hockey)
7. Boston Celtics (basketball, only because of Larry Bird, my hero whose #33 was my number in intramural bball in college. I am still bitter, though, over the Rocket loss to them in 1986, especially since they had to be the gangliest group of players I've ever seen, so perhaps I should bump them off the list. Then I'd replace them with the Baylor Bears women's basketball team)