Meltdown mom gets on Leno

Ok, the God Warrior woman gets $50k to be on Fox and then gets paid to be on Leno and gets to meet Diane Keaton and Alanis Morrisette all for acting like a royal freak on TV.

Even funnier is the fact that she's in the Wikipedia. The margaurite remix is hilarious, and I love the link for slag-kicks (note that when you click on it, it says in tiny print: "redirected from psychic"). The quotes are great, too.

I, however, missed the Leno segment because I was busy sorting through a stack of 170 papers that I have to grade for my stupid, low paying, no reward having, dark eye circle and saddlebag giving job that requires me to teach nouns to juvie delinquents.

You think I'm exaggerating? A former little 17 year old freshmen delinquent got put back in my class today. He was withdrawn last 9 weeks because he was sent back to jail (big people jail) for breaking parole, assault with a deadly weapon and for bringing said weapon to school, but he failed to appear in jail (how do you fail to appear?). They caught him 8 weeks later, and Texas decided that sending him back to regular old high school was punishment enough, so he's back in my class--not to jail where he belongs, mind you, or even to a juvenile detention center but to PISD.

So while Mimi's evil twin gets to hobnob with celebrities and autograph bobbleheads, I am stuck buying eye cream at the CVS. Screw her. Maybe I need to poke out one of my teeth and caterwaul.

So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it.

Pre-Hyptnotized Peter

What Office Space character are you?
brought to you by

Third one's a charm

This tag wouldn't work, and I can't delete the stupid entry. I try to delete, and it keeps coming back, so I am just going to type drivel and cry.

or...maybe not

I am Rumpelstiltskin!Find your fairy tale character at kelly.moranweb.com.

Good ol' Rump.
What's there to say about you? You're a deceptive drunkard who has no life save harassing poor, beautiful women... oh, and stealing their children. God loves you, son. God loves you

Yeah, well, I'm still cool.

As if I wasn't cool enough

I have a quiz that proves it.

You are most like Peter Pevensie, once High King of Narnia. As Peter, you are brave, loyal yet intelligent, and are greatly respected for upholding what you think is right.

BOW TO ME!

Oh, and Mirror Mirror on the Wall, who's the best wizard of them all?


Which HP Kid Are You?

Where do I want to live?

Took a quiz to find out the best city for me (will probably now get more spam than needed, but I sent it to an old email, so who cares). The following is the list, in order, of the top 24 cities for me. Do you see an Oregon trend?

1. Portland
2. Eugene
3. Champaign, IL
4. Little Rock (what the hell?)
5. Baltimore
6. Sheboygan
7. Corvallis, OR
8. Bend, OR
9. Fayetteville, AK (again, what the hell? Are those banjos I hear?)
10. Charleston, WV (mountain mama, take me home...)
11. Frederick, MD
12. Cape Cod (Yeah, me an' my suga' daddy)
13. Salem, OR
14. Medford, OR
15. Madison, WI
16. Chicago
17. Kenosha, WI (is there more there than an outlet mall?)
18. Sacramento
19. Hartford, CT
20. San bernadino (Yeah, now we're talkin)
21. DC
22. Providence
23. new Haven
24. Carson City

Thoughts?

Local Flava

Took the pops to Chapultepec, a local Mexican joint with the best queso around and then to Ernies for a beer and some darts. He's living the bachelor life bc Mom is out of town.

Finished Christmas shopping early. Have wrapped 1/2 of the presents. now i want to put up the tree so that I have a place to put all of these gifts.

Want to watch TP but Edgy is still playing darts, and we promised to watch them together. Would he ever know... I could just watch the tape with no sound. That would be like opening the edge of the wrapping paper on the package just to take a peek at the color of the box so that you can guess what's in there. That's no sin.

Ah forget it. I'll read instead. Need to reread Narnia series before the movie comes out anyway.

"Our new mom eats the sun."

Quote of the day.

No, not Ralph Wiggum. Some kid from Wife Swap. I couldn't even explain it if I tried. Funnier this way, anyway.

Whohooo! The Owls are not what they seem.

Took the What Twin Peaks Character are You quiz, and scored:


You're Agent Albert Rosenfield, the snide and
superior forensics expert. Your tongue is
sharper than your scalpel, and it doesn't take
long for people to start hating you for your
supercilious quips, but you are the very best
at what you do. You don't suffer fools gladly,
but you give respect when it's due. In fact,
you're a good guy at heart, but so wedded to
your sarcasm that you can rarely stand to treat
people kindly.

Which Twin Peaks character are you?
brought to you by

What is wrong with the water in Twin Peaks?

What is wrong with the coffee, the donuts, the hospital food or all the food for that matter (everything is green and orange), the night hospital staff or lack thereof, the atmosphere, the circadian rhythms...

Seriously, they must live near a vortex or something because I've never seen so many people have so many freakyass visions and dress up in freakyass costumes--what's up with the red headed pianist in the tinkerbell costume?

K. I readily admit I'm hooked on this stupidass show. I, who never ever watch tv save my Mad about You and Simpsons (and the occassional freak gargoyle lady), watch 3 episodes a night. What in the hell? Did I vicariously drink the coffee?

What got me hooked?

• Cooper for one. I'm mesmerized, and I don't know why. Perhaps it is his obsession with food.
• Albert--he cracks me up! his silent responses are the best, but the dry wit in his briefing sessions kills me. Everything that comes out of his mouth is what I'm thinking in my head as I'm watching these inane bumpkins try to solve a case, but the ironic part is that I'm getting sucked in to their weirdness.
• the damn opening. Is it the little bird, the smokestacks, the slowly moving mill reminiscent of Mr. Rogers, the waterfall? I don't know. I can't get it out of my brain.
• Bob. Dude, what a freak!
• the log lady--wtf?
• Lucy's impregnation by Liberace? Who the hell is that guy?

Still hate Audrey. I think that the only reason Glinda likes her is because she's tied up and gagged in a whorehouse. That and her little pink gauzy number that makes me think of Autobiography of a Flea.

Whoops! MAY is on. Gotta go.

PISD skipped a groove again

HRguy's secretary checked in on me today to see if I had my fingerprints done for my certification that I don't even want. I told her that I had just received my packet and that I needed to go to the police station to get them done. She said, "Oh, well just come over to the administration building (about 11 miles away in the heart of Pasadena). make sure you come before 3:30."

Well, we get out at 3:15 and we only have one exit from the parking lot of 2 different schools, so given that it is at least a 20 minute drive sans traffic, that's not going to work. She says, "Oh, just come over on your lunch hour."

Um...lunch hour? Lunch hour? She's in charge of hiring teachers, and she doesn't know that teachers only get 2o minutes for lunch (well ten if you count that we have to wait for the halls to clear before we go).

I tell her this, and she says, "Oh, well sneak out early then." Ok, I'll leave a class of 15 year old delinquents by themselves. That's a good idea.

what a moron.

Simon says, "Scream 'Hallelujah!'"

Thanks to Praxis88, I just finished watching the psycho explode on Trading Spouses, but I must say that her 20 minute tirade was not as funny as these shots:

1. The psycho woman is sitting on the porch having a prayer vigil or something, and we go to commercial break. After the break, the camera does a close up on one of the gargoyles and then pans up to a close up of her, squatted down on the porch swing, face wrinkled up, looking exactly like the gargoyle.

2. She arrives at the NOLA airport screaming, "This is God's country," at the top of her lungs and frightening the hell out of her cabbie.

3. I have to repeat the title of my entry again: "Simon says, 'Scream Hallelujah.'" This was how the family killed time peacefully before mom burst through the door. I also loved the welcome signs out front that she totally dismissed, while the other family played lacrosse in the yard together.

4. During her tirade when she tells all the people from the "dark side" to get "out-tuuuuuuh," she rips off her overshirt, revealing her bra and the profile of her entire, immense breast through the arm hole. I kept waiting for it to pop through.

5. When she tells the crew from the dark side to leave, one of the cameras accidentally catches another camera operator, a petite Asian girl, on camera, who is frantically trying to decide whether she should leave or stay. Priceless.

6. The "lifetime TVesque" credits at the end, where, among other appropriate things, the New Age mom allocates $20,000 for psycho to have the gastric bypass surgery she wanted. Previously, of course, we've had to watch pyscho rip the allocation letter into shreds, throw it down, pick it up again and throw it out the door. Now, though, she "has reconsidered the offer and has decided to take the money." I guess the "tainted money" was good enough for a little stomach stapling, now, wasn't it?

7. The commercial coming on after the tirade was freakin perfect, but the phone rang, and now I can't remember what it was, but it couldn't have been more perfect. Maybe I'll think of it.

People suck, but at least there's "Mad About You"

Again, I was supposed to go out with a friend (the same friend from last week) for my bday today, and she stood me up without a call.

Now I'm eating spanish rice and watching Helen Hunt. Better choice, now that I think about it.

Scrumdidlyumptious

Wonka cupcakes are here courtesy of Hostess. MMMM.

Oh, and the secret incredient for the yams is a splash of Orange curacao. I tried it as a substitute for orange zest.

Did I mention that I love food?

New recipe: sweet potatoes slow cooked with pineapple juice, cinnamon, nutmeg, and brown sugar. To die for. You can also add mushrooms or cream of mushroom soup (if you're Southern). ;o)

Twin Peaks

So I borrowed tapes of the show from Glinda. I've watched 4. Here's what I think: the coffee in the town is drugged causing the entire town to lapse into a stupor where they believe they are all on the show Invitation to Love. That's why they all act like weird Film Noir or soap opera stars, and that's why they all look alike and dance strange little dances and have tripped out dreams. That's why Laura Palmer looks like her cousin and all the weird people at One Eyed Jacks. It's the coffee. That's the secret. ;o)

Figured out where I know Agt Cooper from. He was in the Flintstones. He's also in a movie that I saw at Hollywood video: The Librarian: Quest for the Spear. What is it with all these librarians trying to overcome their little bunhead image? Give it up! Like we really believe you are the Conan the Barbarian or Barbarella type. Come on! How do you kill your enemies? With a shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! :o)

Have to admit. Am a little addicted. Not sure why. Maybe it's the pie? I do know that i have to put the stupid thing on mute whenever the theme song comes on because I can't hear it without thinking of it coming out of Glinda's ass (her costume had theme music with it).

we're baaaaaack

Cats are insane this morning. I thought it was just because we left them, but now I have my doubts. Was just sitting here posting about the weekend and finding it very difficult to do so since my cats won't stop making noise and pouncing on me. Then I hear Mia hissing and caterwauling in the other room. I walk in and see her standing by the scratching post staring up at thin air and wailing. I walked toward her and she backed up frightened, which is very unlike her. Picked her up and she's trembling. Then, all of a sudden, something tugged on my shirt from behind several times really hard. I turn around, nothing's there.

Kimday highlights

Kimday opening ceremonies are over. Here are the highlights. My apologies that they don't make sense to everyone, but even if I described each one in a paragraph, you couldn't get how funny it was without having been there.

1. Shoe shopping at Mervyns. What bday celebration is complete without shoe shopping at Mervyns?
2. Pulchera beating Two Shirts out of the restroom.
3. Arriving at the hotel late because we stopped for food. I like food.
4. Woman Hollering Creek
5. Mint Kit Kats--limited edition
6. "Edgy, you know that if you could lick your ass like that dog, you would." "Huh, um maybe." He was asleep or so we thought.
7. Changing out of my normal shirt into an extra small. I wore an extra small. It even almost fit except for the internal bra which cut off my circulation, but the rest of the extra small fit. I wore an extra small. I don't think I've ever worn an extra small. Damn my boobs looked good. Magical Kimday.
8. Best damn salsa ever
9. Best damn garlic cilantro sauce ever
10. Best damn mojito ever
11. Bad pork. Sorry, TwoShirts
12. Chorizo is disgusting, as evidenced by the awful picture of me that Glinda will put on her blog.
13. Bert is evil. "Do you want to play with my bottlecap collection?" God, I'm cracking up writing it.
14. Laughing until my face was red from the bottlecap comment. You see, I tried to imitate Bert, but it came out sounding like Danny from The Shining. "Bert is not here Mrs. Torrence. red rum."
15. Pulchera's laugh.
16. "Why would her mommy name her Tootie?"
17. "They're acid washed jeans."
18. Sitting at Kubrick's ghost's favorite joint, The Merkin or something like that. Where the hell were we? No wonder I talked like the little boy from The Shining. I was possessed.
19. Laughing hysterically in The Merkin and having everyone not stare at us. It was like our loud selves weren't even there. How cool.
20. Edgy being so sweet to give the chorizo appetizer to a homeless person, and the homeless person turning it down. I told you that chorizo is evil.
21. Grasshoppers and Kir Royales at Swig.
22. Two Shirts: "I've never licked a chocolate rim."
23. The vicarious attendance of Praxis88 by phone. It was like he was there with us, as he should've been. Good choice on the Hoegaarden, my man. Beats milk. Wait a minute. Didn't Bert like milk?
24. The woman with the ass. What was that ass? Was it a separate entity? Why was it patterned? Why, when Glinda took a picture of it, did it come out looking ok and covered in fish nets?
25. The Battle of Bad Faces (a gross out contest) elicited the second Crankykim face: I tasted an Old Fashioned. Bleeech.
26. Pulchera face: "Imagine anal sex with Dick Cheney in a room full of smoked meat."
27. Glinda face: "You're driving behind a milk truck and a morbidly obese woman is sitting on top in chaps swirling a lasso."
28. Edgy face: "I'm not Stimpy. Why am I Stimpy?"
29. TwoShirts face: fake. Everything we mentioned to gross out TwoShirts secretly made him turned on. He finally had to pretend. ;o)
30. The Clown car bathroom: how many men can fit in there, and how many can I walk in on?
31. Swig: the bachelorette party capital of the world
32. Swig: the babydoll pajama top capital of the world.
33. The surrey with the fringe on top.
34. Elvis the molester and his sidekick Officer Dullard.
35. a cab with talking GPS
36. Pizza and french fries at 2am.
37. Waking up feeling better than I ever have
38. Checking out the missions.
39. mariachi mass.
40. TwoShirts' great parking jobs.
41. Take out water
42. my balloon popping
43. looking in my purse and fetching out a dollar with writing on it that said: "Happy Birthday. At least you didn't have to take your clothes off for this dollar." Ha. I thought someone in my party wrote it, but I noticed a staple, so I guess someone else got it for their birthday.
44. Pie at Franks. MMMM PIE.
45. Relaxing at home watching Twin Peaks
46. Oh, and out of order, sitting under the Hello Kitty pinata at Mi Tierra. "It's a freakin sign!"

Great birthday--one of the best. Very depressed to be back in Houston. I literally started feeling weighted down when we got in the city limits. I hate this place.

[Bert picture appears courtesy of http://www.toughpigs.com/anthernie05.htm]

Eulogy

I have better pics of the Cyclone, but I chose this one because it looks so sad.

As promised, here are the highlights from Astroworld, broken up into Saturday night and Sunday (in a later post):

Saturday (the Employee afterparty)

1. Bucket on a handle--We get to the gate and receive a giant 64 oz mug with some goofy cowboy and a vague semblance of the Cyclone on it. Good part: it will keep us hydrated for free all day long the next day.

2. Free beer: all the Bud products you can drink. Don't like Bud but don't complain when it's free.

3. Free food: nothing like ballpark cheese, refried beans, and round tortilla chips. The boys ate fajitas.

4. The Electric Slide: there's nothing better than eating bad cheese while watching people do the electric slide. What is the enjoyment in that dance?

5. The Wall of Fame: pretty cool. They had a wall of past employees in their little outfits, dated from the 60's. One guy was staring at a picture of his young self. Apparently he worked there when it opened and stayed for 30 years. He still has his namebadge--Eugene, employee of the month 1983. He had tears in his eyes. Very touching. Kept me talking there (while Edgy and TwoShirts left) for nearly an hour, but it made him so happy.

6.Finding the hidden passage: there was a little walkway between the Big Red Barn and Greased Lightnin', so I grabbed the boys and walked right into the park with a 64 oz bucket on a handle of beer.

7. Kid in a Candy Factory: it was like a dream I had once where I was locked in the park after dark and made the most of it. we walked around the park after hours with no one around except the brave souls who found the hidden passage. we explored the park sans security for 4 hours, climbing on rides, taking pictures in graveyards. I can't put into words how much fun it was.

8. pretending to drive the Taxis: we broke into the antique taxi area and pretended to drive them, like we would've if we were kids.

9. Snapping a picture of the Chat N Chew: a place we always ate because the name was so damn cool

10. The astroway: we broke into the cable car area and took pictures in one of them

11. Going to the bathroom without a line: There was no one around. I could pee whenver I wanted.

12. Playing the carnival games: we played pop and shot, ring toss, milk cans, all the carnie games for free

13. James humping the bald man: I took a pic of James humping the cardboard cut out of that man that dances on TV

14. Our own personal sountrack: not only were we the only ones in the park, but the music was still going and was programmed to be eerie for fright fest. Pretty freaky, really, especially on Main Street

15. Returning to the big red barn: chocolate fountain--need I say more

16. Confirmation and validation: I kept talking about how before the Looney Tunes invaded, Astroworld had its own characters, including a red haired foofy hat guy. No one believed me until we saw Marvel and his magical animals on some guy's shirt.

17. Making the GM cry: All I did was talk about how meaningful Astroworld was for me and about how I appreciated getting to come back and say goodbye after hours. And I told him about how Edgy and I met here when we were 12. I mean, I didn't mean to make the man cry.

18. Scoring free tix: we got free tix to the park on closing day. Whoopee!

19. Afterafterparty: we went to Cecil's and Two Shirts ogled a drag queen, though he didn't know that. After finding out she was a guy, he had a look on his face like his paprikash didn't go down right and whispered, "That doesn't make me gay, right? I mean, nothing's wrong with being gay, but that doesn't make me gay, right?" It was like Jack from Will and Grace worrying about being straight after sitting on a stripper's lap; although, Jack's stripper turned out to be a drag queen.

20. Can't think of a 20th because my cats are crying for attention. Have to go.

Laurence's Domain

My friend Eric has a friend, Laurence, who bought the domain name: isfullofcrap.com. He's apparently a twisted Libertarian (Eric's words) who publishes sites like bush.isfullofcrap.com and kerry.isfullofcrap.com during the election just to watch the two sides duke it out. Apparently, if you have a story that's interesting enough, he'll put whatever.isfullofcrap.com out and publicize it. Eric's trying to get me to do HCC and PISD, but I need money more than revenge.

I know you're in suspense

The birthday eve gift has been opened: Williams Sonoma's pumpkin pancake mix and sweet creme crepe mix. Breakfast is served.

Why am I up so early on a Saturday? Why, it's because I'm up this early every Saturday. The big headed baby loves to start crying at 5:30 every Saturday, and Mama/Papa Cass don't get their big asses out of bed to come do anything about it. She won't stop crying until they do. I swear she is the "most cryingest" baby I've ever seen. Comes with the big head, I guess.

Well wait, that's not fair. Sometimes they do come out at 7 and start playing her little fucking mobile or whatever, and she'll stop about an hour into it. It always starts off the same way: ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding (for those of you who are musically inclined, it's do sol do sol do sol do sol). Then for the exciting part. I never know which innane song is going to come next. It could be "If you're happy and you know it" or "This Old Man" or "The Wheels on the MFing Bus Go Round and Round" or any number of obnoxious tunes that miraculously start with do sol.

What ever happened to Chipmunk Rock?

Regardless, it enabled me to get up and eat my crepes. now I need to find the paper I bought that will print out iron on transfers from your computer. I want to make a shirt that says: "It's my birthday (replaced by a cake) on the front and "Buy me a shot" on the back.

The birthday has started

Start your engines, folks, because the 31st anniversary of Kimday has begun. Tonight, I went to Buca di Beppo with my parents and Edgy. We started with cocktails: manhattan for Edgy, merlot for Dad, iced tea for Mom, and a (can you guess?) raspberry lemondrop martini for me. Antipasti: garlic bread con formaggio. Insalata: caesar. Then we had rigatoni positano and for dessert, cheescake with raspberry sauce and hazelnuts. I was serenaded and was presented with a candelabra (which I blew out in 1 1/2 breaths) and then presented with a ten dollar gift card from the manager. It expires 11/30; anyone want to go?

We left there and went to Roeders to meet up with Jeff, Emily, Mike, and Gordie. Mom had her first Hoegaarden, which she loved.

Presents followed: money from GrandmaCranky; cute striped dishes (excuse for a dinner party); suede placemats and napkins; Pink Panther PJs; a candle to match the dishes perfectly (I love Pier One); and Star Wars III on DVD

I still have one present left, but I'm saving it for tomorrow (or midnight) for my birthday eve gift.

Headed to SA to see Man Hands tomorrow. Psyched. Oh, that reminds me. I have to get the Shot or Dare game put together. :o)

Speaking of Thanksgiving Dinner

My cats like vodka and other tales

Mia has learned the art of opening the liquor cabinet, and she has a habit of trying to open the vodka bottle. Yesterday, I poured myself a vodka cranberry, walked into the kitchen for a bit, and came back to find her head in the rocks glass. When she lifted it out, her mischievous smile was pink.

's been awhile since I posted, so let's see if I can catch everyone up to speed. As promised, the Astroworld highlights will be posted soon.

Halloween was a nonevent. We passed out candy to Millenials, Gen Y folks and even Gen Xers who were still in the spirit. Mama and Papa Cass kept turning out my porch light (we share a switch) because they ran out of candy necklaces (who eats those, and moreover, who passes them out?). Rumor has it that candy necklaces aren't the worst thing to get for Halloween. A teacher at school was bragging about how she was able to clean out her refrigerator. She gave one kid a head of iceberg lettuce. I'm as stunned as you are, believe me. What level of hell does that get you?

Tuesday was spent giving a test all around (HCC and PISD). Did I mention that they can't pay me because they don't have paper?

Wednesday was spent with Glinda, Gordie, and Edgy in the twinkle room of Chapultepec after I was ditched for my bday celebration. Made up for it.

today was teach all day day--Walker, Levertov, Herrera-Sobek, Wordsworth, Mistral, Burns, Hawthorne, Mill, and Carlyle. It's like a patchwork quilt of authors. I filled my spare time with internet searches and stupid quizzes like, "should you be a librarian?" I scored 100%, damnit.

Damn, I have an exciting life. Anyway, have to finish my eggnog and clean the house for the parental units who arrive tomorrow to celebrate Kimday.

Did you know there is a site called "Free Range Librarian?" It's so nice that the little librarians get to roam the yard in freedom before they become Thanksgiving dinner.