Maybe I really am LuAnne

Footage to prove it.

Mysterious Bruise

Anyone know where I got the big black blue green, ocher, yellow, eggplant bruise on my arm. It showed up after the night out with Glinda.

I thought I was the one with the whip.

The Tuesday Fours

4= twice the number of new staplers I found in my mailbox this morning
4= the length of a staff meeting where we talked about nothing
4= the number of rows of small checkered boxes that the music secretary drew on her notepad during the 4 hour meeting
4= the number of times the office manager fell asleep during the meeting
4= the length in feet of the big orange diamond on my front lawn that reads "Construction Ahead"
4= the number of chicken breasts I forgot to thaw for the soup I needed to make tonight
4= the number of performances I'm supposed to attend in September
4= 1/2 the number of dances I learned tonight and 1/2 the number of dances I'm supposed to learn by Sept 17 (thankfully I'll be out of town)
4= the number of different hotels Edgy called today for Austin this weekend
4= the number of days to fully recover from Friday night. I still feel toxic.
4= the number of sweat marks on my leotard after class
4= in inches, the circumference of my wrist (I know this from being measured for a costume)
4= the number of times I changed shirts this morning. It was one of those days.
4= the number of days until I get to get away for the weekend. Whohooooo!

Sunday Seven--Two Sets of Nuts edition

1. Pluto has been demoted from planet to "dwarf planet." Are you willing to give up everything you've been taught all these years and begin referring to our solar system as having eight planets, or will you continue thinking about it having nine? I support the little people planets and feel that they should still be considered part of the 9. I wonder, though, if the Man from Another Place is actually from Pluto?

2. Where is the last store you visited? What was your last bill there? Um, Auto Zone, about 20 bucks.

3. What new television show are you most looking forward to seeing this season? I don't think I know of any new TV shows.

4. Take the quiz: Which greek God are you? Save yourself some time and space by listing the name of the God, the description it gives you and the famous people you're like. (Don't worry about the graphical information and all the rest unless you just want to!): Odysseus
66% Extroversion, 33% Intuition, 72% Emotiveness, 47% Perceptiveness You are a generous entertainer, an observer of tradition, and you are an enthusiastic leader. You are most like Odysseus. You meet transgressions with swift retribution but you are, in the end, just and fair. You're also pretty astute -- it's hard to pull one over on you.

Famous people like you: Bill Clinton, George Washington
5. Of the famous people it lists like you, which is the scariest? dude, how can you argue with the two of them? I guess I'm freaked out by Washington because he has wooden teeth. Oh and because of this.

6. You decide to bring candy to keep on your desk. If you could only pick one kind of candy, which would it be? Tropical Source Mint Chocolate--nondairy with evaporated cane juice--nummalicious.

7. Name seven cities you'd like to live in that you have not already lived in before. Portland, San Francisco, Boston, Saugatuck, Albq, Cincinnati, Providence

Thanks to Patrick for the ideas.

The Sequel in M2M

G: "One sock. Woke up with one sock. No shoes."

Me to 2shirts: "So are you eating cap'n crunch with her right now?"

2shirts: "She had to go, but she chewed on something else before she left. Bada bing!"

Me: "CHEWED!?!"

2shirts: "not literally, just an expression."

Vajeepers!

What to write? Wht to write? Ever had one of those nights that would be better left as a whisper of silence, but you know you need to write it down for posterity anyway?

It started out innocently enough--Edgy and I went to Bossa for dinner--but it all went downhill after dessert. Of course, E and I try not to eat sugar much, but there's just something about a shotglass filled with chocolate mousse that prevents one from saying NO. Post shotglass, I got a nice little sugar high that prompted me to make the phone call to Glinda: "G, it's time to come out. We're picking you up for martinis!"

G was in no mood to party. A nameless institution doesn't know what they're missing by not hiring her, and she is going to find that she is better off without them, but for now, THEY SUCK! So we head for the Red Lion to drink to their demise or at least to be lulled into a stupor by the waitress with a great accent.

More of Glinda's Angels show up to support her. We're drinking. We're drinking. But things are still in control. It's all still ok.

Then TwoShirts shows up with an affable enough girlfriend for the evening, who reveals to us that she has two moms and "is straight but not narrow...sometimes." At this point, I'm cutting an eye over at TS, whose conservatism is sending up red flags that are somehow getting lost in the fireworks of sexual desire. He just looks over at me and says, "Shut up," as the girl on his arm loses more and more inhibition. You could see any inhibition just melting away, peeling off like the layers of an onion.

The drinks ensue, and the thing is that the damn things are really good. They're like candy. Even the beer is like candy because G drank 7 of them. And here is where Cranky's list of obscure references to the evening begins:

• Some toes look better in holes in the table than others, and people from VA don't like toes
  
• $70 dollars worth of liquor sure goes down smoothly
• Accents, so many many accents, one of which was taped for posterity on G's phone, but she can't remember how to retrieve it.
• The movement of the party to Chances. My idea. That's when you know that I've had one too many (or more) martinis.
• $70 worth of beer makes G a straight girl
• another glass makes it home in G's crotch, this time with my asshole's name on it
• a white mask ends up in her ass, which leads me to officially dub her asshole with a name: "The Phantom"
• pre puke
  
• why does every binge drinking session end up at G's house with toys on her bed?
• whelps, role switching, and healing lube (don't read anything into this Two Shirts. Nothing happened. No one was naked. Your fantasy did not come true).
  
• Getting G's shoes off and trying to get her into PJs (oddly enough, lacy pjs) which ended with her yelling, "Get OUUUUUUT. I'm SETTTT". Actually, she sounded a lot like this.
• The doc: "Do you think she'll be ok? I've never smelled someone who smelled like puke before they puke. Do you think she'll choke? Should we leave her? She yelled at us. I don't like getting yelled at, and I mean, she REALLY yelled at us."

Home for me included leftover paella and tons of water. I think I took a shower but it's a little hazy.

This morning, I'm feeling a little post Davenport. Off to the store for CoCola's new Enahgy drank.

New Dance Co

So I joined a new Irish Dance Performing Group. It looks like these are some of the performances I have to look forward to:

St Andrew's in the Heights Celtic Festival

Houston Highland Games

Clear Lake Celtic Music Festival

Startling Stats

I'm doing some research for work (I love working at home) and came across these fast facts:

• 50% the percentage of children under 5 in the US who are racial or ethinic majorities (www.startribune.com)
• 80 million fewer females globally due to selective abortions and infanticide (Parents Magazine); PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis) clients are increasing in the US, btw.
  
• 38% the percentage of 4th graders who scored below basic reading levels in 2005
• 29% the percentage of 8th graders who scored below basic reading levels in 2005 (both stats from USA Today)
• 25,800 the number of cases of whooping cough in children in 2004 (Newsweek)

Thursday List of 4s

Dinner and drinks with Glinda's Angels. Here are the list of 4s:

Namedropping:

1. Svetlana
2. Katrina
   
3. Vajesus
4. Monicanavratalova

General topics of Conversation:

1. Bush
   
2. bush
   
3. religion
4. godwarrior

"off the topic" conversation:

1. mealworms
2. ladybugs
3. big headed babies
4. big boobs on small islands

My drinks for the evening:

1. potato vodka, the name of which I cannot remember (monicanavratalewinsky?)
2. house margarita on the rocks, no salt (I said NO SALT on the margarita!)
3. cappuccino
4. Pellegrino with lime

Jesus in Space

I'm having muppets flashbacks here (remember Pigs in Space?).

Anyway, I'm looking at software for the kids' computer stations, and I come across this one.

This, of course, leads me down a tangential trail into Googleland, where I just start looking up Jesus in Space things because the title is just so damned funny. Findings:

• What is "risible?" I just kept picturing Scooby Doo reading this article.
  
• Probed by Jesus
• Damnit! i would've liked to have read this one.
• Paratheology? huh?
• and a musical

Again, there are some weird folks out there.

The Four Legged Zoo

So four is the magic number of the week, my friends:

4= the number of days a single stapler was placed in my mailbox at work
4= the number of said staplers on the shelf behind my desk, waiting for a home
4= the number of days that 45 at 59 has been blocked from all directions for absolutely no reason whatsoever
4= the mph one has to enter 45 from 59 when the ramp is packed from said blockage
4= the length in inches of the eyeliner pencil also left in my box with the 4th stapler
4= the number of Office Space quotes I rattled off while walking back to my office with the staplers in hand
4= the number of days I've had to figure out what to do about the influx of children this past weekend
4= the number of advil taken every two hours for pain in my back from doing too many jigs at an audition last night
4= the number of hours I will have to be measured this weekend for the costume for my new Irish Dance gig
4= twice the number of hours I've ever danced any sort of Irish dance in my life, yet I still aced the audition--what does this say about the company? I dunno.
4= the number of OJ glasses I've had today. I'm craving it.
64= the number of hours worked last week.
4= the number of glasses of wine I intend to consume with Glinda at the Harp tonight (to kill the pain)

What about Lydia, Priscilla, and Deborah?

This kind of crap just really burns my ass.

Upcoming trips

I'm in desperate need of a vacation due to 7 day work weeks lately, so I've got to map out the ones I plan to take for the rest of the year.

1. Sept 2-3: Twoshirt's 30th. I think we're going to Austin.
2. Sept 16-17: Conference in Fort Worth
3. Oct 16-17: Conference in Austin
4. Oct 21: No trip but that's the 3rd annual Cranky and Edgy Halloween Spooktacular--mark your calendars now
5. Nov 3-6: My birthday--choice of several places; please vote
   
1. Chicago
2. Arizona
3. Colorado
4. DC
   
5. Wawa experience
6. Providence and Boston
7. Ponchatula, LA
8. San Diego
   
9. Las Vegas
10. San Antonio
6. Nov 24-27: not sure but somewhere
7. New Years: one of the 10 places listed under #5.

Then there's no traveling until I go to China in the spring.

The Sunday Six

Today was insane at work. We tripled in attendance for the start of fall, which I was totally unprepared for and am now shellshocked and exhausted. It's a good thing, but I've got to go back to the drawingboard and redesign curriculum/classrooms/staff for 3x as many children. Therefore, I feel the need to blog but cannot come up with anything on my own. That's where memes come in handy. Thanks to Patrick for his idea (as you can see I changed his Sat questions to Sunday and added one because I don't feel like listing 7 things).

1. Would you prefer being a small fish in a large pond or a large fish in a small pond? I don't really like ponds because they are slimy, and I don't like swimming with fish around, in fact it is a deep seated phobia of mine, so I'd prefer to be a human in a nice resort pool somewhere in the south of France.

2. If you could change one thing about the climate where you live right now, what would it be and why? OMG, Texas is freaking hot and dorksidedly humid! OMG, I would cool it off at least 30 degrees.

3. Do you consider yourself more or less normal than those around you? I consider myself a freak surrounded by freakier people than I am.

4. Take the quiz: Are you right or left brained? I am 35% left brained and 65% right brained.

5. Consider the last meal you ate: was the primary course beef, chicken, fish or vegetables? How often is this your primary course? It was fish (salmon with pesto sauce with a side of grilled zucchini, eggplant, peppers, squash, and carrots and an extra side of escarole from Buca di Beppo)--not very often my primary course.

6. Go to your bedroom closet (or the closet in which you keep the majority of your clothes. Take a quick glance: what color do you see the most of? Is this color your favorite color? If not, why do you have more of it than your favorite color? I have an equal number of blue, black and brown clothes. My favorite color is indigo. I don't have any indigo clothes because there's not much indigo out there.

Patsy

To explain my earlier post.

Squeal like a pig

Ha ha ha.

What's with everyone having three names beginning with John

Anyone else think this Karr guy is a patsy?

So Slllleeepy

Somehow I ate something that gave me a bad allergic reaction, so I had to take benedryl. I've never been able to take benedryl bc it knocks me out for 36 hours straight. I tell the doc this (great doc--back at Dr K, btw), and she says, "Oh, well then take children's benedryl. It's half the dose."

So I go to the store, giggling inside, because I get to choose from 3 nummy flavors, bubblegum, cherry, and grape. I opt for the grape because it is the only flavor in chewable tablets instead of liquid and liquid is usually gnarly. I go home and take my 'dryl. I wouldn't even know if I still am all red and swollen from the allergy bc I am knocked out from the 'dryl. I've clocked myself. It has taken me 10 1/2 minutes just to type these two paragraphs.

I mean, who gets knocked out from children's medicine? I'm even more of a freak than I thought.

Whatever happened to Boy George?

Is it just me, or does he just not look as cool without the makeup? Then again, did he really ever look cool, or were we just blinded by the '80s fashion world?

It sure ain't gonna be my pig

Why did we not go to this? Next year, I'm there for some donuts and damn fine coffee.

Random Rant

Clear Lake people don't make any sense. Their kids can have hot dogs, but they can't eat donuts. They can eat icing out of a can, but velveeta is out of the question. They gobble down sausage kolaches with cheese after church but ask if the fries and nachos are trans fat free at the local burger joint. Their kids can go to soccer, dance, baseball, gymnastics, cheerleading, and music class all in one day, but they must be in bed by 8. Their 6 year old kids can get highlights and trips to the tanning salon, but diet soda is too artificial. They don't drink alcohol or coffee but pound red bulls like they are going out of style.

Everything is overdone, too. They don't go on a bike ride. They train for the MS150 (no offense for those who have done the MS150, but you'll see my point in a minute). They don't take a vacation. They bike across America or drive behind someone who bikes across America. They don't go out dancing. They compete in the PBS ballroom competition. They don't take a little motorboat out on the lake. They do a regatta. It's unbelievable. They don't buy a TV. They buy a home theater. They don't buy a sedan. They buy an Escalade. They don't buy a 20 oz. bottle of water at the store. They buy a day's supply in one bottle. It's like Overachievers Anonymous.

On the other hand, they downplay everything. The MS150 is "a little bike ride." Their kids are in " a little play." A woman actually referred to her Ford ranger as cute. Their 7 br houses are "little, you know, a starter home."

And they're uber tall. The women, on average, are 5' 10" with size 9 1/2 shoes. They actually refer to me as a short person. Their kids are almost my height (5'7") in 4th grade and are wearing my shoe size by 3rd. Maybe that's why everything seems so diminutive to them.

I leave there feeling like I took a shot of adrenaline. In fact, right now I've eaten an entire bunch of grapes and half a box of organic "Purely O's." I can't stop shoving health food in my mouth. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

In case you mistakenly thought I was a bottom

Here's what my Mars in Scorpio means:

"The sexual stamina of this position is thought to be the strongest of all the positions of Mars. Sometimes, Mars in Scorpio people are attracted to taboos, and their fantasies may involve blowing the taboos to smithereens! They enjoy scenarios in which the "other" is giving in to them, wants them completely, and will do absolutely anything for them. And, their sexual appeal is strong enough that they generally do get what they want. "

Yeah, that combined with a Venus in Scorpio and a Sun in Scorpio-- Lord help poor Edgy. Tee hee!

So Glinda, how do I nail people to the wall?

To my friends:

Can we try this?

Detox

E and I are going on a cleanse again; this time for 4 1/2 days instead of 15. It's just to jumpstart our bodies again and get out all the ickies brought on by cheating with sausage, red velvet cake, and martinis here and there (read: DAVENPORT!).

Yes, the Devilport makes everyone want to cleanse. TwoShirts even ate some sugar free torte with us the other day and has started eating whole wheat pasta. See, good does come out of the Evil D.

So how did we celebrate our last evening of decadence? Jamba Juice and Taco Bell's 7 layer burrito (sans dairy) my friends! Oh, and we ate 2 Frango mints for dessert. (6 months ago, we would've thought this was dieting, not splurging).

So, no invites out to Dolce Vita or the Evil D until Friday night. Our plans for Fri evening, though, are to head to Mo Mong for the greatest eggplant dish ever created and some Jasmine tea, so join us.

Um...

Check out this post again and the comments. Then go back and click on the kewlio link (fixed now) and look at how many comments were left on his post! Unbelievable.

12 Step

Ok, I admit it.

They don't melt in the hands or the hearts of prison officials

Interesting new talent in the art world.

People need to get out more

You tube is cool, but I'm starting to think that we are raising a generation of social idiots--either that, or the social idots are the only ones who are on you tube. What does that say about me?

BTW, Praxis, doesn't this guy work with you?

Maybe it's the Davenport...

but I think that I'm losing it. Is this video for real?

I didn't buy Co Cola's new energy drink

I'm writing this post after Devilport for a few reasons: 1) because I probably won't be able to focus on the screen tomorrow due to a migraine; 2) because I need to remind my tomorrow self that I am going on a 7 day detox (no cheating) starting tomorrow; and 3) because I just came to terms with my boobs. We are friends now.

Highlights from Devilday in random order: white out martini; almond joy martini; Twoshirts got a chocolate rim twice and two chocolate rods, as well; a piece of pizza for the first time in 4 months minus the cheese which I still can't stomach even the smell of; 2 1/2 veggie tamales mmmmmmm; the doppelganger of Praxis and the doppelgangers of Paris and Nicole; a fake fire on a flat screen that somehow gave off enough heat that we were all sweating; the retelling of old college drunk naked streaking stories; texting lines from Old School back and forth with Praxis; figuring out what tatoo twoshirts needs to get next; edgy playing with himself...er I mean darts with himself.

No boobie showing my friends, but I did pat them in the shower and tell them I loved them. It was a special moment.

Questions about the evening, though:

• Why do I order 1 drink from the devilport, drink it slowly for 30 minutes and then feel I need another which only intoxicates me to an unbelievable degree after one sip. It's like that one extra sip just fucking knocks me on my ass. TwoShirts and Edgy felt the same way.
  
• Why do women dye their hair to look like dirty zebras underbellies or like the mane of a pony that has been pimped out to petting zoos for too many years?
• Why do same women have orange skin? Is it the dye that makes them orange or is it the tanning creme?
• Why did I eat pizza and tamales?
• Why did I go to the Davenport to begin with?
• Why did I look at the woman in the mirror (not me) and think that her mirror image was actually a twin who looked EXACTLY like her, OMG!!!
• Why did TwoShirts and Edgy keep drinking at McElroys after we got blitzed at the D so that Edgy started taking shots of hot sauce and TS leaned back and said in his best Hank Hill, "Yep" over and over?
• Why is Edgy doing YOGA at 12:09 AM?
• Why do I only get the hiccups after the Devilport?

These are the questions. No one has the answers and if they do, I don't want to hear them. Now I must drink 4 glasses of water and do some logic problems before bed. Nighty nite!

God, Help Us

Headed to the Devilport with Twoshirts and Edgy. Pray for us.

Meme for the Morning

here is the exercise…
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog and follow these instructions.
5. Don’t you dare dig for that “cool” or “intellectual” book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

"Are there any feuds going on with people you know? Do you know any other stories that might be based on feuds? What do these feuds seem to have in common?" Shakespeare Set Free, Peggy O'Brien, ed.

Feuds? Yes, my family is in a feud, which has prompted me to try to find a cruise to escape on for Thanksgiving. Glinda's "family" is always in a feud with one another. It's like the Hatfields and McCoys do Houston. ;o) (I actually live for the drama, girls; keep it up!) My feud with PISD has hopefully come to an end now that I got my certificate. What do they have in common? I don't know. Narcissism?

She's Craaaaaazy

So you might all be thinking, "Is she nuts? Why the ferret?" Well, folks, the ferret only takes over when a person is about to kick someone's ass, and in this case it is PISD. "But she quit PISD," you're thinking? Ah, yes, I did, but the power of PISDom will continue because morons with bits of power tend to cause more of a tsunami (and tsunami aftermath) than logical people with power.

You can probably remember the pain in the ass PISD was a year ago. They've gone and done it again. My new insurance co won't pay for any pre-existing conditions for a year unless they get a certificate of continuous coverage. Who would you think you'd call for that? My immediate reaction was that I should call my former insurance co. WRONG! They tell me that, although they have all the records, they don't handle that end of it, PISD does. My heart sank in my chest. As it was plummeting further into my bowels, the woman at the ins co says, "Oh, and I don't have any record of you having ever resigned from PISD. You might want to check with them about that."

So I call PISD and talk to some poor little boy who has no clue which way is up. He hung up before even getting my name and number, and it took 3 calls to him just to give him the information. He was a little hangup happy. By the 3rd call, he said he didn't write certificates and that the ins co needed to do so. I call the ins co back, they say, NO, PISD does that.

At this point, the nightmares are starting to resurface in my head of a year ago. Why is everything circular with everyone that I talk to? So I hang up and call my current ins co. I figure BCBS has more brains than a little two bit ins co for teachers. The woman tells me that she has to have the cert of coverage and that it must be on the letterhead from the ins co. I tell her my situation and ask if she'd be willing to explain that to the ins co, and she paused and said, "um, NO."

Back to the two bit ins co. I tell them the situation, and a very helpful woman goes up 3 levels and gets the same story: PISD wants to handle all of that. So I call BCBS back, and they say, "Whatever, just get the [damn] certificate." So I call PISD back and talk to the woman that the two bit helpful lady told me to talk to. Left a message.

Day 2 goes by, no call. Day 3, no call. I call back and leave message. Day 4, no call. Day 5 no call. I call back and leave message. This cycle continues for 2 weeks. Finally, yesterday, I got the woman, she keeps me on SPEAKER PHONE where I can barely hear her and says, "yeah, I sent that out to you a long time ago." I said, "Well, it would've been nice to have gotten a call about that." Silence. Then I said, "Ok, well I haven't received it." "Well I sent it to [fucking off the wall weirdo address]." Pause. "um, that's not my address." Then she quickly starts quipping, "Ah, well, that's not my problem. yOu have to call HR and correct that. I can't send you anything until you do"

Now understand that the administration bldg is a singular bldg. "HR" and "Benefits" are 2 people who sit in cubicles without walls directly next to each other. I said, "Tiffany, I know that Jerry D sits right next to your [fucking] cubicle, and since you're on speaker phone, he can hear me right now [she picks up the phone] so there's no need for me to call HR. Secondly, all I'm asking you to do is use the tiny bit of energy it takes to pick up a pencil and write my correct address on an envelope, put a stamp on it, and reach to your little mail outbox. [note: fucking was in my head].

At this point my current office manager comes in and hands me a note that says, "FAX." So I say, Ok, how about you fax it to me. she says, Let me check. Ok. fine. So I give her the fax number.

DO I GET A FAX? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Now the office admin is on the case. Let's see if he pulled through.

Get off Blogger, Frida

Pay no attention to the ferret behind the keyboard.

Sometimes she just takes over.

Ferret Antidefamation League

Hi, this is Frida the ferret, the guest author on Cranky's blog today. In case you don't know me, I'm her ferret, obviously, but in case you also didn't know, all humans have an inner ferret. Edgy's is George and Two Shirts houses Floyd. I urge you all to get to know your inner ferrets for they will serve you well in times of trouble.

That said, the FALs are in an uproar over this video. I, Frida, am rallying against all sharks! Ferrets Unite!